Happy Valentine's Day!

Right, I've gotta go, I have comtempt to spread. :p

Is There A Terrorist Living On Your Street?

Ok, well I'm opening a whole can of worms here, but quite frankly, I'm sick of hearing about current affairs. In actual fact, I didn't open the can of worms, George W Bush did. It's his fault, so if you're annoyed at anything I'm about to write, then please write to Mr Bush with your complaints at:

Mr George W Bush Jr.
The White House
1600 Pennsylvania Avenue NW
Washington, DC 20500

Thanks.

Right, back to the task at hand. Terrorists, Muslims, Extremists, Arabs, call em what you will, they're pissing me off. I know that this may be a socially delicate topic, but fuckit, I'm gonna get straight to the point. Now I'm not a racist, although I am white. Being white in itself would seem like a fine reason for certain extremists to bomb my house. You may think that I'm exaggerating, and I am, in a way, but everything I say is my opinion of the truth.

Now it is a terrible sterotype that Arabs and Muslims are extremists and or terrorists, and I know that for the large part this is untrue. However, you do have to admit that there certainly seem to be a lot more nutters belonging to the Muslim religion than any other. You don't hear about Buddhists or Hindus going mad over the white devil and his antics do you? How often do Rastafarians or Confuscianists declare "Death to France!"???

You may know what I'm talking about now. Yes, it's this.



When I first saw this, I did think it was quite a bad racial slur, and I couldn't believe that this was printed in a Danish newspaper back in September 2005. However, upon reading this article on the BBC News website, I'm beginning to think that the cartoon may be correct after all.

Naturally, the Islamic world is not happy with this cartoon strip. However, instead of just condemming the cartoon and what it represents, in all their sanity and non-fanaticalism, many Muslims protestors have decided to go crazy-eight on everybody, including themselves. Rather than write loads about this, I'll just include quotes from the BBC article, with my own comments beneath. I'll also include a few photos that I have yoinked from the BBC.



The background is that September last year, the picture was released by a Danish Newspaper. Less than a month later, Muslim Ambassadors complain to the Danish Prime Minister. In early January a Norweigian publication printed the picture. Then on January 30th Gunmen raided the EU's offices in Gaza, demanding an apology, which they got from the Danish paper a day later. France, Spain, Germany and Italy print the picture the following day, assumedly as part of news articles relating to the gunmen in Gaza. On February 4th 2006, Syrians in Damascus attack the Danish and Norweigian Embassies. The day before yesterday, more protestors in Beirut ransack and burn the Danish Embassy, completely gutting the building.


Workers of the Embassy rummage and stuff, after it was torched by protestors.

"Two people died when protesters turned on the American airbase at Bagram, even though the US has had no involvement in the cartoons' publication."

- If you ask me, this just says it all really. Kill the White Devil Oppressors. Dirka Dirka.



At least 5 people have been killed in relation to protests so far. There have been some peaceful protests, but as usual many Muslims appear to be lacking somewhat in self control. Many protests saw participants throwing rocks and stones at embassies, and in one in particular a shootout with police left 2 protestors dead, and 6 policemen were injured.

"In Bagram district, a peaceful protest in the morning turned violent when around 300 'bandits and gangsters' tried to enter the US base"

- What exactly does "Bandits and Gangsters" mean? Were they just waiting for an opportunity to storm the US base and get themselves shot? Who verified that this 300 were gangsters and bandits? Where did they all suddenly appear from? Were they definately not protestors that worked themselves into such a crazy that they demanded the blood of the Westerners? And by storming the US base surely this displays the fact that they are not only angry, but stupid also? Whilst you can't blame them for wanting to kill some Americans after everything that's happened over the past few years, but I mean, comeon, if you must storm a US base, you should at the very least suspect that you'll probably get shot, right?

"In the port city of Bosaso, in the autonomous Somali region of Puntland, police shot dead one protester and three more were injured after demonstrators threw stones and barricaded streets outside international aid agency buildings."

- Well this is just ridiculous. Why attack the very people who have left their own countries to go and help people? Especially when they are helping your people? You resort to attacking these people because of the colour of their skin, and has nothing to to with the merit of their actions, which makes you no better than the average racist bigot.

"They want to test our feelings," protester Mawli Abdul Qahar Abu Israra told the BBC. "They want to know whether Muslims are extremists or not. Death to them and to their newspapers," he said."

- My point made exactly.

"Demonstrators shouted "death to Denmark" and "death to France", and called for diplomats and soldiers from both countries to be kicked out of Afghanistan."

-Ok, so far, these protestors has displayed violence, stupidity, and now they show how much they really know of the situation they are in the middle of. France has long been a strong supporter of the Arabic countries when it comes to the US and their 'reign of terror', so I won't get into that now. Needless to say, I have even less support for the US, who as Osama Bin Laden put it so well himself, “he moved the tyranny and suppression of freedom to his own country, and they called it the Patriot Act under the disguise of fighting terrorism.” - However that discussion is for another time.



I'd like to apologise to any Muslims and Arabs who may read this, and aren't crazy terrorists. I know obviously that every one of you aren't crazed murderous suicide bombers, but the very people trying to defend themselves against this cartoon, are only seeming to prove the cartoon right. However, in all true honesty, it's not just about Muslims. I am of the strong opinion that a great deal of the world's problems could be dealt with quickly by ridding the world of religion. Look back through history and there seems to be one main link between all of the instances of genocide and war; Religion.



A basic Google search will tell you all about the many instances of religious genocide, all across the world. Barring Buddhism, nearly all religions seem to have gone through a phase of persecuting and killing non-believers, and more than one is still at it! However, that's another story.



In short, my overall point is to these Zealots, not your average Muslim or Arab on the street (unless of course they are one of the aforementioned Zealots). By kicking off everytime you don't like something, you only make yourselves look like murderous fools. I'm not particularly happy with the state of my own Government or it's Allies', but going on a religious rampage of death is just not the answer. You're only giving yourselves, and the less crazy among your religion a terrible name.



And as your your average Muslim over here, stop being so bloody pig headed. We know you're not all terrorists/Extremists/Evil Nazils from the future/whatever, but shoving your religion down our throats is also not the right way to go about things. We don't demand to build Churches in your country (any more) do we? English people in Arab countries don't demand that you build Christian only schools, yet you demand muslim only schools. Surely this just increases the segregation?

You have to realise that you are in our Country, and we have our own religions and traditions. You demand we respect your views and requirements according to your religion (and our spineless politicians in the age of Political-Correctness give it all up, plus more), but at the same time you completely ignore the things that we believe in.


Where the hell are they getting these flags from?!?

If everyone would stop being so suspicious and racist, then we could all get along a lot better. I don't mean to offend people, but the whole situation is stupid.

Goats in Trees!

Well, it's finally arrived. The Day I write about Goats In Trees. I've been procrastinating about this for a number of days now, but not for any reason other than the fact that I am a lazy oik.

The reason I am writing this post, is because I am sick of being branded a filthy liar by the people I know. This all started about a week ago. I was browsing the Intarweb for pictures of funnyness. I found many, and I shall post them in due course.
Anyway, I had found a number of funny pictures, so Laura and Nate, my housemates, were also sat near my PC, looking at the pictures with me. I came across a picture containing a number of goats, in a tree.



"Guffaw" said I, "The best thing about this picture, is that it is real"

"BOLLOCKS!" erupted the reply.

Now, I hadn't mentioned this earlier to my housemates, because quite frankly I didn't expect to see a picture of some goats in a tree, (and hence I found myself unprepared for the whole scenario) but I remember vividly watching a nature documentary when I was much younger that contained a lot of good footage of goats climbing trees, and goats in trees. For this reason I knew that this was true.

I had seen it, with two of my favourite eyes! I told my Housemates this (Laura was the least believing) but they refused to acknowledge that the picture was real, and that I was not winding them up.

"Just look at those tiny branches! You expect me to believe that the branches can hold the weight of a goat? How the hell did it get up there anyway? With just hooves, and no opposable thumbs?"



"Well, despite the fact that these two eyes (gestures) saw a nature program about such goats climbing such trees! They are DEFINITELY real, you loon."

However, no amount of reassurance was about to change her mind. I even found more pictures, which were quickly branded as being fakes. It got to the stage where Laura was so convinced I was winding her up, exasperated, I said, "Look, it's not like I've been going all over the internet, planting pictures of goats in trees, just so I could trick you into thinking it!"

Furious that I could be so readily dismissed as being a blatant liar (or possibly just crazy) I decided to undertake the mission to find further proof. So I went researching, and this is what I found:

In order to find a goat in a tree, you'd be best to travel to somewhere drought ridden like Morocco (I've been there, but I didn't see tree goats) or if you're lucky, certain parts of Spain. All of these pictures contain goats in Argan trees (argania spinosa), otherwise known as Moroccan Ironwood. It is an insidious tree with thorny leaves and a thick tough twisted trunk and branches. The goats climb the trees simply because they're too small to reach the fruits, a yellow flesh fruit like a cross between an olive and a lemon, but more rounded. The fruit is like KFC to the goats; they love it.



When goats eat the fruit, the fleshy part is digested but the nut remains. Later, the nuts are collected by farmers to produce oil.
The production of argan oil, which is still mostly done by traditional methods, is a lengthy process. Each nut has to be cracked open to remove the kernels, and it is said that producing one litre of oil takes 20 hours' work.
The oil is slightly darker than olive oil, with a reddish tinge. It can be used for cooking and is claimed to have various medicinal properties, such as lowering cholesterol levels, stimulating circulation and strengthening the body’s natural defences. It is used also for skincare products, and can also help reduce suffering caused by sunburn. As well as for cosmetic uses, the oil has an apparently delicious flavour, and is used in all manner of cooking, and I can't really be bothered to get into that right now.



Anyhoo, I've strayed from my original topic: Goats Climbing Trees. However, beware, as not every instance is as black and white as it seems. In certain areas of Morocco, you may see goats in trees, but they may not be tree climbing goats. In some areas local children put the goats in the trees so that they can pester the tourists for money once they take a picture of the goats in the tree.

So finally, after finding lots of photos and even a video, I finally convinced my housemates that despite what common sense may tell you, goats really can, and do, climb trees!



Then I made the mistake of mentioning it to the people at work. Ridicule ensued. So, I decided to write this post.

So here you should be able to find irrefutable proof that many a goat has climbed many a tree. If you untrusting buggers still don't believe me, then here is a good quote and a few links for you to follow:

On reflection, though, any mountaineer could tell you how easily a goat can get into and out of situations denied to us graceless bipeds unless we use fathoms of rope and an expensive collection of arcane ironmongery, so what should be so difficult about climbing a tree?

Did these Goats Really Climb Trees?

More Goats in Tress info and pics!

Tree Climbing Goats Crap Old Beauty Trick

Can't get enough of goats in trees

Please note, some of the content in this post has been nicked from some of these sites. Plagerlicious.



If I was a goat I'd go to space. People would call me SpaceGoat. Those that believed, anyway....

An Ode To Chuck Norris

I know that with a bit of help from my loyal readers (all three of you) Ryaninja can become the Number One Chuck 'Freakin Sweet' Norris Resource!

Chuck Norris Facts:

Chuck Norris has delivered many a seminar on stress related problem solving. He once completely cleared Switzerland of all stress, using a single roundhouse kick related technique. This is why Switzerland is a neutral country, as their country’s completed absence of stress means that they don’t get annoyed anymore, not even with America.

The following fact came from The Random Chuck Norris Fact Generator:*

Chuck Norris is the only man to ever win every hand of poker he ever played. After winning 23 straight World Series of Poker main events, he shook the dealers hand, roundhoused kicked him in face and retired with over 35 million dollars.

Chuck Norris Choice Photos


This is what Chuck will do to you if you ever, ever disobey him. Do not go there.


I dread to think what would happen to you in a 'Private Lesson' with Chick Norris in a leotard. No doubt it would probably involve bruising and swelling, with possible ripping. I can't imagine it would be pleasant.


This is Chuck with former sensei, Master Rhsee. This was the last time this man was seen. It is repoted that they fell out minutes after this photo was taken, (something to do with the Master's Tie. You can see Chuck Pointing at it) and flew off across the rooftops to fight to the death. Obviously, Chuck came out victoriousm, and disposed of his Master's body in space. This is all hearsay of course, but trust me, if you know Chuck like I know Chuck, you'd believe every word.


Jesus/Klingon Chuck Norris, of course. On your knees, peasants. Or he'll hit you with one of those big axe things, like Wharf in startrek has. Except about one thousand times harder. Wharf would wet himself and cry like a bitchslapped unpaid Thai girl in the company of the might Chuck Norris. Imagine what would happen to Wharf if Chuck rolled up one of his giant hands into one of his famous omnipotent fists? Huh? Huh?


Genius. The hair and the snarl is enough to make even the most testorone charged silverback gorilla tremble.


Does Chuck fight the Bear? Is it the bear of Death? I hope so, I know Chuck likes a light workout before lunch.


As you may have noticed, this is not Chuck Norris. But wait! It is a photograph from Chuck's upcoming movie, Tiny Fists of Terrible Fury.

The Speil from imdb:

It is 2046. Chuck plays Jenny, a six-year old girl who has been empowered with all the skills of every ninja that ever lived. An Evil Pirate, called Pistachio is trying to overthrow the aging Monarchy with an incredible horse that can turn back time by a couple of seconds. There is nobody who can stop them except Jenny! But can he stop the bad guys before the pumpkin of rage falls into the wrong hands? The Evil Pirate and the Incredible horse's powers form a formidable opponent. Watch Chuck's most deadly fight has to anticipate and block moves, seconds before they happen, whilst simultaneously fight off the Evil Pirate and his incredible horse in the present!

This really isn't Chuck. I found it when looking for Chuck Norris pictures. So one of them could be Chuck, just in disguise. It could be either one. Watch your back.


To be perfectly honest, this scares me. They kinda look like a couple, and it clearly states that "they're ready for action!" Urrrgh. Still, good for the dog, Chuck Norris is a fine catch for any young bitch.


Chuck Norris' attempt at Hitchcock. It's not scary at all until he rips his shirt off and starts running towards you, swinging a grand piano in a menacing fashion.


Chuck Norris. Aha! Tricked! It's a Chuck Norris Celebrity lookalike! Everyone prepare your rocks. Blasphemer!!!! Stone him!



Chuck Norris Haikus (written by me)

Chuck Norris so hard
Flying roundhouse to your face
I so dig his style

You can evolve
Into superhuman man
It is Chuck Norris

Peanut on your head
Chuck can kick it off fast
Like Kicking Cheetah

Even God fears the
Mighty Chuck Norris' fists
Wise if you do too.

Big Fist Bigger Foot
Big hair bigger moustache
Chuck Norris Fuck Yeah

Chuck damaged my spleen
While I pulled at his big tash
I did it for kicks

(By Nate)
Axe Kick to the face
I really hate hospital
Don't stroke Chuck's nice hair

(by Nate)
Fists swift like lightning
The Tash is just so fright'ning
Please come round to tea

This is it for the Ode To Chuck for now. If there is anything that you would like added to this page, please let me know, and I will do it. Doit.

Are There Monkeys in Cuba?

Well? Are there?

I have lots of interesting things regarding my life to post about, but for the minute, I'm more concerned with the topic at hand. I woke up sweating last night, every inch of my clammy pallid skin crying out for an answer. I was unable to sleep, the question burning a whole in the back of my head, and then ruining my pillows with a gooey questionable brain-like substance.

The cold sweat running down my back as I perch on the edge of my chair, I check out Google but get no results concerning primates in the land of cigars.
I even checked google images, but got no results!

My motto has always been, "If you're surrounded by fuckwits, then just get your sombrero, and leave". Unfortunately this motto wasn't really applicable in this sense, so I quickly pulled in my backup motto, "Imaginary monkeys are better than no monkeys at all" and I decided to use my imagination.

If there are any monkeys in Cuba, I would imagine they would look something like this.











Next up, some non-cuban monkeys, but funny crazy monkeys none the less!











Now that I've gotten my monkey 'fix' for today, and ensured that you lot have too, I think I may be able to sleep easy tonight.

Later, Chimps.

Marriage Vs Prostitution

Right, well I know how much fury this will cause in many women especially my new admirer Tam, but what the hey, let's talk about a delicate topic and see what happens.

I was listening to some colleagues at the other day at work. They were discussing their marriages; one was married, the other was getting married. They were discussing cost, mainly.

Did you know that the average UK wedding costs between twelve to fifteen thousand pounds? This includes everything, from the placemats to the honeymoon. This is a lot of money, in my opinion, just for your woman's 'special day' and a piece of paper. Also bear in mind that this is only the average price, meaning that some people's must be a lot higher as well.

All this got me thinking. Women are expensive creatures to keep.



Even women that have decent paying jobs (or families) can often be just as much a drain on your financial resources as a poor one. The reason for this being that all women like doing stuff. "Let's go for lunch in a pub in town" is a fine example. I have no problems with this, but when you eat out a lot, the cost does mount up. This seems a bit unfair to be making these claims, but I talk from experience. The only time in my life I stopped dipping into my overdraft each month was when I became single.

So I wonder, would it be cheaper, over the course of a lifetime, to have a wife, or pay for prostitute? I'm making my mind up as I go along, as I haven't come to a decision. All the thinking about this is happening ad lib.

A wife has certain requirements. Here is a list of things that cost money, which they ALL seem to do:

• Need a new house. Generally the pattern goes: redecorate the entire house. Then move house. Then redecorate new house. I can name at least 5 colleagues who seem to be in endless circle of DIY, redecorating and moving house, all because of their squishier other.

• Need things. Things for the house, things for the garden. Things that hold no purpose, except to chisel your home into the type of place you only see in magazines at the doctor's surgery or your gran's house. I know one man whose wife suddenly bought some live chickens and a little house for them, completely out of the blue. Just goes to show you never know what they might NEED.

• Want children. I'm gonna write a post some time on how the world's going mad from overpopulation. For now, the relevance for children is that they are bloody expensive, and a hell of a lot of work. You pay for them for over a fifth of their life, and usually more, unless you were an outstanding child like me, and got the fuck out before you were 17

• Desire clothes, shoes, presents, etc. They have birthdays, valentines, and plenty of other consumer whore days. If you have kids, there's more still. I know I've only scratched the surface as far as costs are concerned, but I think this is enough to make my case for my gut reaction of prostitution being cheaper in the long run.

You see if the average marriage costs £12K, and you have children, move house a couple of times, buy a couple of cars, get a family pet, send your kids to uni, pay for their every need, dote on your wife, then there isn't a lot of cash left, unless you become wealthy enough to cover these costs tenfold, in which case, the wife's wants will follow suit, and you'll probably still be skint.



I would estimate that as your married life becomes exponentially more expensive, most of your income would go towards keeping this 2.4 family unit happy. Primarily the wife, because if she isn't happy, then nobody is. For most people I work with, I would say that that is in excess of £20,000 per year. Some of my colleagues in my team earn around the mark of 40K per year, and I know that they don't get as much cash to themselves as I do, and I earn less than they do, an amount nowhere near in proportion when you consider how little money they have to spend compared to me on my lower salary. If I earned what they do, I'd would probably have at least twice as much money, maybe three times the amount at my disposal than they do, due to, in essence, their wives.

Now let's say the average decent quality hooker in the UK costs £60 per shag. For twenty grand a year, you could have sex 333 times. And that's not counting the fact that she'd probably give you a discount for that much business. You could have sex nearly every day for less than it costs to have a family. Now there might be the odd day you don't want sex, and so, you gain more money.


If you found one like this, you would be even better off!

Let's say the average married couple have sex 4 times a week. Now that's generous, and doesn't count the fact that once you stay with someone for a long enough period of time, the sex dries up. Over the course of a married lifetime the average amount of sex per week is probably only about once, and I reckon that's generous, given the number of people who seem to complain they're not getting it enough.
Anyway, for 4 times a week at £60 a go, that's still only £12,400. You're getting more sex than the average married man, and you're more than seven and a half grand richer.

Now if you has a successful career, and you're busy a lot of the week with lots of activities that you enjoy doing, then it might be better off just having a hooker at the weekend and on special occasions. You could have a regular posh and pretty escort girl to accompany you Saturdayurday evening, have a great gettingedrunkdrunk in nightclubs, soaking up the envy of other men, especially the 'happily' married ones, and then back to your swanky batchelor pad for a night of explosive porno sex.

I have no idea how much a night like this would cost (honest!), but I bet it would be cheaper than the lifetime of debt, marriage and children. Hell if you wanted really high class, you could just do it every other week and on special occasions or work night outs. If you had a regular high class call girl, nobody would need to know she wasn't your other half, except of course your close friends.

Another advantage would be if you became bored with your regular girl, or you weren't really getting along too well, you could just change her. Sure, she may have given you a discount, but she would always cry after sex, and it was really disconcerting. Sorry, ahem, back to topic.

It would seem to me so far at this point that life would be not only cheaper, but easier too, when you consider all the complex emotional stuff that comes with marriage.


Come on Girls, admit it. You'd do this given half the chance wouldn't you?

I feel it important to note that virtually all my comments about women being expensive could just as easily be arranged to say that men are expensive. And you'd probably be right. So ditch your boyfriend or husband, and turn to Gigolos. Incidentally I've just started a new business with competitive rates, and I can provide excellent references.

So that's my thoughts on the matter, cut kinda short as I have to go out, and not quite as controversial as I thought they might turn out to be. However if I think of anything else, I'll post it up.

Keep the fan mail coming.

The truth about penguins.

This post is in response to Foss post on his blog about making penguins travel at the speed of light, using only a "Big-ass spring" a penguin sized-tube and a whole lot of lubrication. You can read the post here.

I've always been slightly suspicious of penguins. They have the capacity to be heavier than they look.


This penguin and penglet actually weigh in excess of 7000 tonnes. In reality, the scales would be little more than a flat piece of metal by now.

You see, not many people actually know this, but penguins are the unit of measurement for dark matter. On earth, the only place you'll actually be able to see dark matter is on a penguin.

This is because penguins have evolved slowly from the first ancient angels. God told this race of angels that the only thing they weren't allowed do in the whole of the universe was deep throat the Holy Banana of innocence.
Unfortunately, the penguin angels were sluts, and they couldn't resist deep throating the banana. God then punished them, for now they knew deep throat, and the taste of banana, which was a bit fishy.

So God cast them down to earth, and said unto them, "Thou shall spend the rest of your days sliding on your bellies and eating fish and though shalt collect dark matter, like fluff on your smartest pair of trousers. And there's no lint remover for dark matter. Muhauhauahuahaaaa." although this was not documented very well, and he whole story came out with something to do with a snake, and nothing to do with penguins, or dark matter.


Behold! God was true to his word, and cast penguins down among the humans.

Anyway, Penguins did used to be a brilliant white, that would glow in the darkest of nights, but as they were now tarnished with deep throat techniques and fishy banana, their uncleanness attracted dark matter that stuck to them, and it just wouldn't come off. After a few years the dark matter covered much of the penguin angels, and they became slow walkers, and could no longer fly.


On this Penguin, you can clearly see the speckling of dark matter upon the penguin's chest.

The penguins, on the whole, were outraged. Devastated that they could no longer fly like angels, or like anything else that can fly for that matter. Due to the dark matter they also had trouble moving on land, due to their incredible weight. However, one bright spark, a scientist penguin, discovered that they could slide on their stomachs due to dark matter rendering a surface temporarily frictionless while in contact with it. Here is a picture of the first test run by Gabrielle Heyzeus, the forefather of the penguin's scientific community.


Gabrielle Heyzeus takes the first 'Dark Matter slide' for penguinkind. The water was nearby to slow him down.

Well all the penguins were overjoyed, and they pretty much were satisfied. You see, the masses were stupid. Singularly, each one was a descendant of an angel, and could probably still control their fearsome powers, even if God had bound them somewhat. However in a group, their minds became dull and listless.
Many penguins were slowly going mad, their brains shutting down as the became almost zombie-like in their movements. The constant weariness of weighing several thousand tonnes was slowly but surely getting to them.


This Penguin only nipped out for some fish. 124 hours later, no sleep, and only 9 metres travelled, this penguin realises it is completely lost.

However, the more, shall we say, militant end of the penguin social scale were not standing around and zoning out. They were training themselves to be killers, and damn good ones at that. For reasons unknown, the soldier penguins were affected differently to the other penguins. Maybe it was because the soldiers knew the mental anguish of having to deal with life and death situations and knew how to adapt, maybe it was the fact that with their toned muscular bodies, they weren't affected so much with the complete demoralisation of being unable to move quickly or fly. Their greater stamina meant the weariness did not take hold in the same way.

Their training concentrated on death, from learning the universal nerve centres, to psychoanalytical mind tricks, the warrior penguins became fearsome indeed. They painted their faces, and practiced dark rituals. Over time the dark matter tainted their souls, and they became truly evil.


The leader of the evil penguin overlords clan (EPOC), Krawwb. He welcomed me as a stranger into his tribe, and took an incredible shine to me as an outsider. I later discovered he planned to murder me in my sleep. Being a ninja, I managed to escape with my life. Barely.

I wanted to travel to see this secretive tribe, and with many favours and careful planning for a number of months, I finally got to travel to one of the most remote places on the globe to meet these creatures.

I witnessed many things on my journey, many of which I had to sign a confidentiality agreement with the tribe so that I wouldn't disclose any of their true 'secrets'.
I was however allowed to take photos.


The mating ritual involves the female ripping out the male's throat, and then copulating with the corpse's twitching body. It's not pleasant. Naturally soldiers aren't allowed to copulate until 20 years minimum has been completed in 'The Service'. This also ensures that the fittest survive to procreate, even if they do die in the process.


Are these things evil or what?!? Even their school portraits look menacing.


This penguin threatened to kill me, using only a small pebble. I believed he had the capacity to do so, too.


This penguin delivered his 'Death Death Stabby Soliloquy' with beautiful finesse and eloquence.

However, they weren't all bad, and I did come across the odd friendly penguin in the tribe.


I got quite lost at one stage, luckily this friendly chap pointed me in the right direction.


Self proclaimed 'anime penguin' didn't get many chicks, as the fashion was to have it a lot shorter. It was unfortunate really, as he was a really nice guy.

So there you have it, a whole lot of history and explanation to confirm that yes, you could get a penguin to go to lightspeed, although for reasons Foss and Jeff hadn't realised.