Christmas Schmishmas

It's almost over. Yay! However, to spread the festivities, I've included a number of letters that various children recieved this year instead of presents:

The Ancient Art Of Ninjing.

I feel that the time is right to bring Ninjing to the masses. The following was originally posted on my old website, http://www.ryan.dsl.pipex.com:

Ninjing is the ancient art of getting fuelled with beer, dressing up like a ninja and then partaking in all sorts of ninja activities. Ninjing is best undertaken at night and in a public park or walkthrough, although plenty of fun can be had with the peasants around town. A particular favourite is seeing how close to passers by you can get without being noticed, which when rather drunk can be challenging.

The photos from this particular episode were taken in Launceston, Cornwall (near England) way back in 2002. Possibly earlier. The 3 ninjas picked for this mission were me, Foss and Chris. Just to avoid confusion - the ninja with his rusty sherriff's badge winking is Chris.


This is me. Ready for ninjing.




The true ninja is not afraid of bonding with other ninjas. Only in teamwork can their true potential be achieved.




If you look carefully, you should just be able to see 2 ninjas. Masters of stealth and cunning, the ninja is most at home in the shadows. See the awesome power as the ninjas summon the moon to do their bidding, blinding all enemies with brilliant moonlight.




Again the ninjas hiding amoungst the shadows. So horrendously powerful are these ninjas that the ground here shakes, as the zombies cower and tremor in their graves.




Witness the boldness of these ninjas, for their skills are so great, that they even blend in amoungst the cold tough streets of Launceston. They go unchallenged, unseen and unheard. They are the shadow-walkers.




Again the ninjas summon the power of the moon. A different summoning this time, as the ninja utilises the power of stench.



And thus the end is here. The ninjas put away their masks and return to their normal identities, never revealing their awesome powers during their normal day to day lives.

Woooyaargh!

Are There Monkeys in Cuba?

Well? Are there?

I have lots of interesting things regarding my life to post about, but for the minute, I'm more concerned with the topic at hand. I woke up sweating last night, every inch of my clammy pallid skin crying out for an answer. I was unable to sleep, the question burning a whole in the back of my head, and then ruining my pillows with a gooey questionable brain-like substance.

The cold sweat running down my back as I perch on the edge of my chair, I check out Google but get no results concerning primates in the land of cigars.
I even checked google images, but got no results!

My motto has always been, "If you're surrounded by fuckwits, then just get your sombrero, and leave". Unfortunately this motto wasn't really applicable in this sense, so I quickly pulled in my backup motto, "Imaginary monkeys are better than no monkeys at all" and I decided to use my imagination.

If there are any monkeys in Cuba, I would imagine they would look something like this.











Next up, some non-cuban monkeys, but funny crazy monkeys none the less!











Now that I've gotten my monkey 'fix' for today, and ensured that you lot have too, I think I may be able to sleep easy tonight.

Later, Chimps.

The Pope is Dead.

The Pope, Jean Paul II, or Karol Wojtyla died Yesterday at 21:37 local time. I am sure he will be missed as I have already heard reports of people crying and being sad etc. Especially in Poland, where he is originally from.

I went on the BBC website, and read about his life, through a series of pictures. I will show them to you. His life seemed pleasant, and full of meaning and good deeds. The fact that he acted a lot like a diplomat, traveling to different countries, and according to the BBC, making an impression on the situations of the country, often helping to change circumstances for the country/people involved.

However, for such a holy man, I can't help thinking that God must really hate him. Or at least dislike him.

Granted, he made it to 84, which for a man is quite a good innings, but that could be down to the luxurious lifestyle he's lead for the past 26 years. I mean, since he was 58, he's been The Pope. I mean, can you imagine actually being The Pope? I think it would probably be quite a sweet job. I don't really know a lot about his roles, but judging from the pictures, it wasn't boring, and looked quite fun. Have people wait on you all the time, go traveling, meet new people, go to fancy dinner parties, always travel better than first class ...the list goes on.

Anyway, back to the point at hand, although he's lived to 84, he's not had it easy the past few years. Plagued with Parkinson's, arthritis, Tumors in his intestines, a hip replacement, and he's collapsed once or twice out of the blue as well.

You'd like to think that if anyone's gonna live till they're old and pass away in their sleep one night of old age, it'd be The Pope, huh?

Maybe that's reserved for Buddhist Monks. Anyhoo, here's the pictures.


The Pope is the skinhead on the top right. If I had to guess which religion he would turn to, I'd definitely say Buddhism rather than Christianity. Look at him, he looks like a little Shaolin Monk!



The Pope Bows before his master, The Emperor. Nothing can stand in the way of the Dark Side.



The Pope was delighted when he realised that he could see the Red Hot Chilli Peppers concert from his window, and even put on his favourite hat. He was heard commenting that he preferred their older stuff, and that they were "selling out with lame lyrics and cheesy tunes".



The Pope had a flat tyre in his brand new hired jeep. Typical. Luckily, the locals took a shine to him, and everyone wanted to help change the tyre. Some guy even had a power tool to undo the wheel nuts with! It's outlined in the white circle.



The Pope had to learn how to play poker so that he could impress some American Emissaries visiting the Vatican, so he turned to an old friend from school who had fallen on rough times. However, it turned out that the Pope's friend didn't know how to play poker, but only bridge. The Pope, fearing that he would look like an old lady, declined, forgave his friend, and left.



The Pope really liked his new golf cart, because although it didn't really look the same, he couldn't help feeling a little bit like Dr Who, or maybe Pauly Shore in Biodome. I'll be Ba-aack, Buuuud-dee!



The Pope has revolutionary technology given to him from aliens that allows him to graft any person to his back. Nelson Mandella was said to have begged the Pope for three whole months before The Pope Finally caved and "gave Mandella a surgical piggyback". The two were reportedly said to have snuck into a cinema using only one ticket, claiming that they were "one body, so one ticket would suffice".



The Pope meets Fidel Castro. They are good friends. If you look carefully, you can see Fidel slipping the Pope a marvelously luxurious cigar. "Put it in your diplomatic immunity pouch for the customs" Fidel mutters to Jean Paul under his breath.



The Pope goes to see the SuperMoto finals in Jordan (the place, not the girl). Unfortunately, his plane was delayed due to bad weather (God, maybe?) and his missed it. You can see the Pope, looking at the empty track, tears possibly welling in his eyes.



The Pope, royally hung over from the All Saints backstage party the night before was not in the best of moods. Without realising his microphone was on, he addressed the crowd with "I hate this stupid hat, it chafes real bad, and looks ridiculous". Luckily, he was so groggy, it all came out in a strange mumbled hybrid of Polish, Latin, and Italian. It took CNN 4 months with a team of translators to work that out.

Well, he's dead, and I guess now the world of Catholicism gets a new Holy One. If Heaven exists, I'd imagine he's up there now, with Freddie Mercury and Stalin, playing a game of Mar-jongg and listening to Kiss.

He had a good life, probably way better than mine will ever be. Maybe I should be Pope. I'd like that.