The truth about penguins.

This post is in response to Foss post on his blog about making penguins travel at the speed of light, using only a "Big-ass spring" a penguin sized-tube and a whole lot of lubrication. You can read the post here.

I've always been slightly suspicious of penguins. They have the capacity to be heavier than they look.


This penguin and penglet actually weigh in excess of 7000 tonnes. In reality, the scales would be little more than a flat piece of metal by now.

You see, not many people actually know this, but penguins are the unit of measurement for dark matter. On earth, the only place you'll actually be able to see dark matter is on a penguin.

This is because penguins have evolved slowly from the first ancient angels. God told this race of angels that the only thing they weren't allowed do in the whole of the universe was deep throat the Holy Banana of innocence.
Unfortunately, the penguin angels were sluts, and they couldn't resist deep throating the banana. God then punished them, for now they knew deep throat, and the taste of banana, which was a bit fishy.

So God cast them down to earth, and said unto them, "Thou shall spend the rest of your days sliding on your bellies and eating fish and though shalt collect dark matter, like fluff on your smartest pair of trousers. And there's no lint remover for dark matter. Muhauhauahuahaaaa." although this was not documented very well, and he whole story came out with something to do with a snake, and nothing to do with penguins, or dark matter.


Behold! God was true to his word, and cast penguins down among the humans.

Anyway, Penguins did used to be a brilliant white, that would glow in the darkest of nights, but as they were now tarnished with deep throat techniques and fishy banana, their uncleanness attracted dark matter that stuck to them, and it just wouldn't come off. After a few years the dark matter covered much of the penguin angels, and they became slow walkers, and could no longer fly.


On this Penguin, you can clearly see the speckling of dark matter upon the penguin's chest.

The penguins, on the whole, were outraged. Devastated that they could no longer fly like angels, or like anything else that can fly for that matter. Due to the dark matter they also had trouble moving on land, due to their incredible weight. However, one bright spark, a scientist penguin, discovered that they could slide on their stomachs due to dark matter rendering a surface temporarily frictionless while in contact with it. Here is a picture of the first test run by Gabrielle Heyzeus, the forefather of the penguin's scientific community.


Gabrielle Heyzeus takes the first 'Dark Matter slide' for penguinkind. The water was nearby to slow him down.

Well all the penguins were overjoyed, and they pretty much were satisfied. You see, the masses were stupid. Singularly, each one was a descendant of an angel, and could probably still control their fearsome powers, even if God had bound them somewhat. However in a group, their minds became dull and listless.
Many penguins were slowly going mad, their brains shutting down as the became almost zombie-like in their movements. The constant weariness of weighing several thousand tonnes was slowly but surely getting to them.


This Penguin only nipped out for some fish. 124 hours later, no sleep, and only 9 metres travelled, this penguin realises it is completely lost.

However, the more, shall we say, militant end of the penguin social scale were not standing around and zoning out. They were training themselves to be killers, and damn good ones at that. For reasons unknown, the soldier penguins were affected differently to the other penguins. Maybe it was because the soldiers knew the mental anguish of having to deal with life and death situations and knew how to adapt, maybe it was the fact that with their toned muscular bodies, they weren't affected so much with the complete demoralisation of being unable to move quickly or fly. Their greater stamina meant the weariness did not take hold in the same way.

Their training concentrated on death, from learning the universal nerve centres, to psychoanalytical mind tricks, the warrior penguins became fearsome indeed. They painted their faces, and practiced dark rituals. Over time the dark matter tainted their souls, and they became truly evil.


The leader of the evil penguin overlords clan (EPOC), Krawwb. He welcomed me as a stranger into his tribe, and took an incredible shine to me as an outsider. I later discovered he planned to murder me in my sleep. Being a ninja, I managed to escape with my life. Barely.

I wanted to travel to see this secretive tribe, and with many favours and careful planning for a number of months, I finally got to travel to one of the most remote places on the globe to meet these creatures.

I witnessed many things on my journey, many of which I had to sign a confidentiality agreement with the tribe so that I wouldn't disclose any of their true 'secrets'.
I was however allowed to take photos.


The mating ritual involves the female ripping out the male's throat, and then copulating with the corpse's twitching body. It's not pleasant. Naturally soldiers aren't allowed to copulate until 20 years minimum has been completed in 'The Service'. This also ensures that the fittest survive to procreate, even if they do die in the process.


Are these things evil or what?!? Even their school portraits look menacing.


This penguin threatened to kill me, using only a small pebble. I believed he had the capacity to do so, too.


This penguin delivered his 'Death Death Stabby Soliloquy' with beautiful finesse and eloquence.

However, they weren't all bad, and I did come across the odd friendly penguin in the tribe.


I got quite lost at one stage, luckily this friendly chap pointed me in the right direction.


Self proclaimed 'anime penguin' didn't get many chicks, as the fashion was to have it a lot shorter. It was unfortunate really, as he was a really nice guy.

So there you have it, a whole lot of history and explanation to confirm that yes, you could get a penguin to go to lightspeed, although for reasons Foss and Jeff hadn't realised.