Marriage Vs Prostitution

Right, well I know how much fury this will cause in many women especially my new admirer Tam, but what the hey, let's talk about a delicate topic and see what happens.

I was listening to some colleagues at the other day at work. They were discussing their marriages; one was married, the other was getting married. They were discussing cost, mainly.

Did you know that the average UK wedding costs between twelve to fifteen thousand pounds? This includes everything, from the placemats to the honeymoon. This is a lot of money, in my opinion, just for your woman's 'special day' and a piece of paper. Also bear in mind that this is only the average price, meaning that some people's must be a lot higher as well.

All this got me thinking. Women are expensive creatures to keep.



Even women that have decent paying jobs (or families) can often be just as much a drain on your financial resources as a poor one. The reason for this being that all women like doing stuff. "Let's go for lunch in a pub in town" is a fine example. I have no problems with this, but when you eat out a lot, the cost does mount up. This seems a bit unfair to be making these claims, but I talk from experience. The only time in my life I stopped dipping into my overdraft each month was when I became single.

So I wonder, would it be cheaper, over the course of a lifetime, to have a wife, or pay for prostitute? I'm making my mind up as I go along, as I haven't come to a decision. All the thinking about this is happening ad lib.

A wife has certain requirements. Here is a list of things that cost money, which they ALL seem to do:

• Need a new house. Generally the pattern goes: redecorate the entire house. Then move house. Then redecorate new house. I can name at least 5 colleagues who seem to be in endless circle of DIY, redecorating and moving house, all because of their squishier other.

• Need things. Things for the house, things for the garden. Things that hold no purpose, except to chisel your home into the type of place you only see in magazines at the doctor's surgery or your gran's house. I know one man whose wife suddenly bought some live chickens and a little house for them, completely out of the blue. Just goes to show you never know what they might NEED.

• Want children. I'm gonna write a post some time on how the world's going mad from overpopulation. For now, the relevance for children is that they are bloody expensive, and a hell of a lot of work. You pay for them for over a fifth of their life, and usually more, unless you were an outstanding child like me, and got the fuck out before you were 17

• Desire clothes, shoes, presents, etc. They have birthdays, valentines, and plenty of other consumer whore days. If you have kids, there's more still. I know I've only scratched the surface as far as costs are concerned, but I think this is enough to make my case for my gut reaction of prostitution being cheaper in the long run.

You see if the average marriage costs £12K, and you have children, move house a couple of times, buy a couple of cars, get a family pet, send your kids to uni, pay for their every need, dote on your wife, then there isn't a lot of cash left, unless you become wealthy enough to cover these costs tenfold, in which case, the wife's wants will follow suit, and you'll probably still be skint.



I would estimate that as your married life becomes exponentially more expensive, most of your income would go towards keeping this 2.4 family unit happy. Primarily the wife, because if she isn't happy, then nobody is. For most people I work with, I would say that that is in excess of £20,000 per year. Some of my colleagues in my team earn around the mark of 40K per year, and I know that they don't get as much cash to themselves as I do, and I earn less than they do, an amount nowhere near in proportion when you consider how little money they have to spend compared to me on my lower salary. If I earned what they do, I'd would probably have at least twice as much money, maybe three times the amount at my disposal than they do, due to, in essence, their wives.

Now let's say the average decent quality hooker in the UK costs £60 per shag. For twenty grand a year, you could have sex 333 times. And that's not counting the fact that she'd probably give you a discount for that much business. You could have sex nearly every day for less than it costs to have a family. Now there might be the odd day you don't want sex, and so, you gain more money.


If you found one like this, you would be even better off!

Let's say the average married couple have sex 4 times a week. Now that's generous, and doesn't count the fact that once you stay with someone for a long enough period of time, the sex dries up. Over the course of a married lifetime the average amount of sex per week is probably only about once, and I reckon that's generous, given the number of people who seem to complain they're not getting it enough.
Anyway, for 4 times a week at £60 a go, that's still only £12,400. You're getting more sex than the average married man, and you're more than seven and a half grand richer.

Now if you has a successful career, and you're busy a lot of the week with lots of activities that you enjoy doing, then it might be better off just having a hooker at the weekend and on special occasions. You could have a regular posh and pretty escort girl to accompany you Saturdayurday evening, have a great gettingedrunkdrunk in nightclubs, soaking up the envy of other men, especially the 'happily' married ones, and then back to your swanky batchelor pad for a night of explosive porno sex.

I have no idea how much a night like this would cost (honest!), but I bet it would be cheaper than the lifetime of debt, marriage and children. Hell if you wanted really high class, you could just do it every other week and on special occasions or work night outs. If you had a regular high class call girl, nobody would need to know she wasn't your other half, except of course your close friends.

Another advantage would be if you became bored with your regular girl, or you weren't really getting along too well, you could just change her. Sure, she may have given you a discount, but she would always cry after sex, and it was really disconcerting. Sorry, ahem, back to topic.

It would seem to me so far at this point that life would be not only cheaper, but easier too, when you consider all the complex emotional stuff that comes with marriage.


Come on Girls, admit it. You'd do this given half the chance wouldn't you?

I feel it important to note that virtually all my comments about women being expensive could just as easily be arranged to say that men are expensive. And you'd probably be right. So ditch your boyfriend or husband, and turn to Gigolos. Incidentally I've just started a new business with competitive rates, and I can provide excellent references.

So that's my thoughts on the matter, cut kinda short as I have to go out, and not quite as controversial as I thought they might turn out to be. However if I think of anything else, I'll post it up.

Keep the fan mail coming.

The truth about penguins.

This post is in response to Foss post on his blog about making penguins travel at the speed of light, using only a "Big-ass spring" a penguin sized-tube and a whole lot of lubrication. You can read the post here.

I've always been slightly suspicious of penguins. They have the capacity to be heavier than they look.


This penguin and penglet actually weigh in excess of 7000 tonnes. In reality, the scales would be little more than a flat piece of metal by now.

You see, not many people actually know this, but penguins are the unit of measurement for dark matter. On earth, the only place you'll actually be able to see dark matter is on a penguin.

This is because penguins have evolved slowly from the first ancient angels. God told this race of angels that the only thing they weren't allowed do in the whole of the universe was deep throat the Holy Banana of innocence.
Unfortunately, the penguin angels were sluts, and they couldn't resist deep throating the banana. God then punished them, for now they knew deep throat, and the taste of banana, which was a bit fishy.

So God cast them down to earth, and said unto them, "Thou shall spend the rest of your days sliding on your bellies and eating fish and though shalt collect dark matter, like fluff on your smartest pair of trousers. And there's no lint remover for dark matter. Muhauhauahuahaaaa." although this was not documented very well, and he whole story came out with something to do with a snake, and nothing to do with penguins, or dark matter.


Behold! God was true to his word, and cast penguins down among the humans.

Anyway, Penguins did used to be a brilliant white, that would glow in the darkest of nights, but as they were now tarnished with deep throat techniques and fishy banana, their uncleanness attracted dark matter that stuck to them, and it just wouldn't come off. After a few years the dark matter covered much of the penguin angels, and they became slow walkers, and could no longer fly.


On this Penguin, you can clearly see the speckling of dark matter upon the penguin's chest.

The penguins, on the whole, were outraged. Devastated that they could no longer fly like angels, or like anything else that can fly for that matter. Due to the dark matter they also had trouble moving on land, due to their incredible weight. However, one bright spark, a scientist penguin, discovered that they could slide on their stomachs due to dark matter rendering a surface temporarily frictionless while in contact with it. Here is a picture of the first test run by Gabrielle Heyzeus, the forefather of the penguin's scientific community.


Gabrielle Heyzeus takes the first 'Dark Matter slide' for penguinkind. The water was nearby to slow him down.

Well all the penguins were overjoyed, and they pretty much were satisfied. You see, the masses were stupid. Singularly, each one was a descendant of an angel, and could probably still control their fearsome powers, even if God had bound them somewhat. However in a group, their minds became dull and listless.
Many penguins were slowly going mad, their brains shutting down as the became almost zombie-like in their movements. The constant weariness of weighing several thousand tonnes was slowly but surely getting to them.


This Penguin only nipped out for some fish. 124 hours later, no sleep, and only 9 metres travelled, this penguin realises it is completely lost.

However, the more, shall we say, militant end of the penguin social scale were not standing around and zoning out. They were training themselves to be killers, and damn good ones at that. For reasons unknown, the soldier penguins were affected differently to the other penguins. Maybe it was because the soldiers knew the mental anguish of having to deal with life and death situations and knew how to adapt, maybe it was the fact that with their toned muscular bodies, they weren't affected so much with the complete demoralisation of being unable to move quickly or fly. Their greater stamina meant the weariness did not take hold in the same way.

Their training concentrated on death, from learning the universal nerve centres, to psychoanalytical mind tricks, the warrior penguins became fearsome indeed. They painted their faces, and practiced dark rituals. Over time the dark matter tainted their souls, and they became truly evil.


The leader of the evil penguin overlords clan (EPOC), Krawwb. He welcomed me as a stranger into his tribe, and took an incredible shine to me as an outsider. I later discovered he planned to murder me in my sleep. Being a ninja, I managed to escape with my life. Barely.

I wanted to travel to see this secretive tribe, and with many favours and careful planning for a number of months, I finally got to travel to one of the most remote places on the globe to meet these creatures.

I witnessed many things on my journey, many of which I had to sign a confidentiality agreement with the tribe so that I wouldn't disclose any of their true 'secrets'.
I was however allowed to take photos.


The mating ritual involves the female ripping out the male's throat, and then copulating with the corpse's twitching body. It's not pleasant. Naturally soldiers aren't allowed to copulate until 20 years minimum has been completed in 'The Service'. This also ensures that the fittest survive to procreate, even if they do die in the process.


Are these things evil or what?!? Even their school portraits look menacing.


This penguin threatened to kill me, using only a small pebble. I believed he had the capacity to do so, too.


This penguin delivered his 'Death Death Stabby Soliloquy' with beautiful finesse and eloquence.

However, they weren't all bad, and I did come across the odd friendly penguin in the tribe.


I got quite lost at one stage, luckily this friendly chap pointed me in the right direction.


Self proclaimed 'anime penguin' didn't get many chicks, as the fashion was to have it a lot shorter. It was unfortunate really, as he was a really nice guy.

So there you have it, a whole lot of history and explanation to confirm that yes, you could get a penguin to go to lightspeed, although for reasons Foss and Jeff hadn't realised.

Especially for Jeff

Jeff asked:

"can you use photoshop to enhance certain areas of the shot of your female friend at the pub? that would be nicey nice nice."

Well Jeff, her name is Laura, and yes, I can do that for you, it would be my pleasure.

Here you go:


"I will eat your soul!"

If you have a contribution of your own, send it to me, and I will put it up with the existing one. I'm rubbish at photoshop, someone must be able to better this...

Sorry Laura. :)

The Pope is Dead.

The Pope, Jean Paul II, or Karol Wojtyla died Yesterday at 21:37 local time. I am sure he will be missed as I have already heard reports of people crying and being sad etc. Especially in Poland, where he is originally from.

I went on the BBC website, and read about his life, through a series of pictures. I will show them to you. His life seemed pleasant, and full of meaning and good deeds. The fact that he acted a lot like a diplomat, traveling to different countries, and according to the BBC, making an impression on the situations of the country, often helping to change circumstances for the country/people involved.

However, for such a holy man, I can't help thinking that God must really hate him. Or at least dislike him.

Granted, he made it to 84, which for a man is quite a good innings, but that could be down to the luxurious lifestyle he's lead for the past 26 years. I mean, since he was 58, he's been The Pope. I mean, can you imagine actually being The Pope? I think it would probably be quite a sweet job. I don't really know a lot about his roles, but judging from the pictures, it wasn't boring, and looked quite fun. Have people wait on you all the time, go traveling, meet new people, go to fancy dinner parties, always travel better than first class ...the list goes on.

Anyway, back to the point at hand, although he's lived to 84, he's not had it easy the past few years. Plagued with Parkinson's, arthritis, Tumors in his intestines, a hip replacement, and he's collapsed once or twice out of the blue as well.

You'd like to think that if anyone's gonna live till they're old and pass away in their sleep one night of old age, it'd be The Pope, huh?

Maybe that's reserved for Buddhist Monks. Anyhoo, here's the pictures.


The Pope is the skinhead on the top right. If I had to guess which religion he would turn to, I'd definitely say Buddhism rather than Christianity. Look at him, he looks like a little Shaolin Monk!



The Pope Bows before his master, The Emperor. Nothing can stand in the way of the Dark Side.



The Pope was delighted when he realised that he could see the Red Hot Chilli Peppers concert from his window, and even put on his favourite hat. He was heard commenting that he preferred their older stuff, and that they were "selling out with lame lyrics and cheesy tunes".



The Pope had a flat tyre in his brand new hired jeep. Typical. Luckily, the locals took a shine to him, and everyone wanted to help change the tyre. Some guy even had a power tool to undo the wheel nuts with! It's outlined in the white circle.



The Pope had to learn how to play poker so that he could impress some American Emissaries visiting the Vatican, so he turned to an old friend from school who had fallen on rough times. However, it turned out that the Pope's friend didn't know how to play poker, but only bridge. The Pope, fearing that he would look like an old lady, declined, forgave his friend, and left.



The Pope really liked his new golf cart, because although it didn't really look the same, he couldn't help feeling a little bit like Dr Who, or maybe Pauly Shore in Biodome. I'll be Ba-aack, Buuuud-dee!



The Pope has revolutionary technology given to him from aliens that allows him to graft any person to his back. Nelson Mandella was said to have begged the Pope for three whole months before The Pope Finally caved and "gave Mandella a surgical piggyback". The two were reportedly said to have snuck into a cinema using only one ticket, claiming that they were "one body, so one ticket would suffice".



The Pope meets Fidel Castro. They are good friends. If you look carefully, you can see Fidel slipping the Pope a marvelously luxurious cigar. "Put it in your diplomatic immunity pouch for the customs" Fidel mutters to Jean Paul under his breath.



The Pope goes to see the SuperMoto finals in Jordan (the place, not the girl). Unfortunately, his plane was delayed due to bad weather (God, maybe?) and his missed it. You can see the Pope, looking at the empty track, tears possibly welling in his eyes.



The Pope, royally hung over from the All Saints backstage party the night before was not in the best of moods. Without realising his microphone was on, he addressed the crowd with "I hate this stupid hat, it chafes real bad, and looks ridiculous". Luckily, he was so groggy, it all came out in a strange mumbled hybrid of Polish, Latin, and Italian. It took CNN 4 months with a team of translators to work that out.

Well, he's dead, and I guess now the world of Catholicism gets a new Holy One. If Heaven exists, I'd imagine he's up there now, with Freddie Mercury and Stalin, playing a game of Mar-jongg and listening to Kiss.

He had a good life, probably way better than mine will ever be. Maybe I should be Pope. I'd like that.

The Crazy Life of a Matador...

As I'm going to Spain this tonight for about a week, I thought I'd make some jokes about all Spanish people looking like Matadors, their fancy outfits and stuff like that, because, well, I thought it would be funny.

So I went to Google to see what I could find, and maybe present you with a couple of the gayest costumes out there. But behold, the pictures were much better than I had expected! I will share with you some of the better pictures I found by doing a quick search for Matadors:


"are they all there?"


Ouch. Serves him right for wearing pink though.


Hehehe.


Look at him, with his girlie suit, his bloody face and his stabby sword. He looks pleased.


Not so pleasing now though, eh?!?


This cat must be called Matador, and I think he hates you. Given paws with opposable digits, I am positive he would wave a cloak at you and stab you with a sword. That's just the kind of cat he is.

Anyway, I gotta go pack, and then I'm gone for a week, I'll issue a full report when I get back, but until then, go beat one off or something, or read the previous posts. ;P

Byeeeee!