The Ninja News at Nine.....

Dear peoples of the Intaweb, rejoice, for I bring you another post. In my customary style of laziness and due to me having about as much motivation as a dead slug, I have not posted for ages, and yet now I bestow upon you a whopper. “Not again” I hear some of you gasp, but I promise that this time I’ll go slow and gentle, and there will be no ripping or screaming.

Ok, maybe a little screaming.

Anyhoo, A lot has happened since I last posted any content relating to me (It’s been about 4 weeks I think), including, Christmas, New Year, January, and various drinking sessions. I won’t post about Christmas or New Year yet, because it’s just too close to the date. I might wait till June or something. Keep you lot on those pink stubbs you call your toes. Only joking, it’s really just because they have a lot of photos, and I’ll have to format and edit them, and it’ll take too long, and this post would be even more huge than it’s already going to be.

Last week I was back in work after a nice four day break, but I only had 2 days leave. Because I was off sick for 2 days prior, it feels like I’ve just had a nice big holiday, not just 2 days plus a weekend. I am happy to say that in this ‘weekend’ I’ve achieved the following:

~ I got more ‘slobbing around’ in than I’ve managed in the previous month I think.
~ I got drunk more times than in the last 2 months combined.
~ I chatted up more women in this weekend than I’ve managed in the past 6 months.
~ I’ve got less sleep than….ummm… I normally do. :p

I went out on Wednesday night to the Quay club, for a spot of Jelly Jazz. I went there with Si and a friend of his called Jess.


Meet Jess. Mmmmm... Sepia.... great, innit? :p

The Quay Club was absolutely dead, you’d have gotten a better reception by offering free aenimas with every entry. However, the three of us pretty much sat at one table all night, and got plastered.


Si, doing his usual Pirate impression.

I myself was shitfaced come the end of the night, which is strange, cos at 1:40am I remember looking at my phone for the time, but lo and behold, 20 minutes I was fecked, with no memory of how I got home or anything!.

Turns out that a friend of Jess’ who works in the Quay Club came and joined our table about the same time I lost my memory. Coincidence? Nope, just the extra effects of Stella Artois: Reassuringly Twatted.


Yarrrrrrrrrrrrr!

It also turns out that I got a taxi back with her, cos she lives not far from my house. I don’t remember this either. Coincidence? Maybe. However I woke up alone, with no signs of a struggle.


Spooky lights. Mind you, the phonecam was in 'negative' mode.

Jess is pretty hot, and plays bass in a band. I remember her saying that she was looking to form a band, and I’m looking to be in one, so I got her number. I’ll call it sometime this week I think.



Laura, my housemate has to get up at some ungodly hour like 5-6am to get to work for her early shift. She said she thought that I had gotten lucky and not returned that night when she passed my bedroom with it’s wide open door. But then she realised that I was somewhere under the scrunched up duvet, and actually that lump was me. All the lights in the house were on and both my housemates feared a horror scene of vomit and destruction in the bathroom (we won’t go into it, but we’ll just say that there has been the odd occasion when Tasmanian Ryan has stormed round the house drunk, accidentally wrecking things, and then puked in the bath, pulled the shower screen off the wall and then gone to bed). They were understandably pleased when they realised that not a speck (lump?) of vomit was waiting for them, anywhere in the house.

When Nate got up a couple of hours later, he said he could hear me snoring in my room. He was mystified about the state of my desk which looked like I was about to eat something, but was too drunk, and so I went to bed instead. More of a mystery was the fact that his chair in our ‘office’ was completely wet. Not just damp, but soaking. I couldn’t figure out why – it wasn’t piss, and it wasn’t milk, of which there was a plastic bottle half full on my desk. What had got Nate’s chair so wet? It remains a mystery to this day.


Rrrraaaaaggghhhhhh! Need I say more?

On Thursday, naturally, I was more than a little hung over. However, I had to get up cos I had a dentist appointment. My teeth are all in good condition (I only have one filling), but I do have the tiniest bit of gum disease on my lower gum, where tartar had build up on my teeth. I’d never flossed a day in my life before then, I thought it was for Americans in films personally. Turns out that it’s good for your teeth, and stuff. So now, I’m flossing, and brushing extra carefully, and I think it’s nearly gone away now.

Friday, I still felt hungover from Wednesday night! I got a new game for my PC called The Movies. It’s like The Sims in that you create a movie lot, with various sets, and actors and stuff like that. However the game also has a movie making feature, so that you can make a movie to your own specifications, and even write the script and do the voice overs and post production! However, as you start the game in the 1920s era, you have to play the game before you can make any movies with later technology and props, etc, etc. So… I started to play….

It’s incredibly addictive. I’ve played the game for about 4 days now, and I still haven’t made a movie, cos I can’t stop playing the sims side of it! It’s so incredibly addictive that as I’m writing this, I’m considering abandoning these musings, so I can go and play now, for example! I meant to go out on Friday night, but I was really hung over, and I couldn’t get hold of the people I was supposed to be meeting, so… I played The movies till about 4am. I was up again at 7am. I don’t know what it was that caused me to wake up then, but I just couldn’t get back to sleep, so… I got up, and played The Movies.


Just a random photo to keep you interested....

Roll on Saturday evening, and I simply had to stop playing the cursed game, because I was due to go out, and this time, I knew exactly where everybody was, and there was contact all round, so I had no excuses either. I didn’t really wanna go out (I wanted to stay in and… you guessed it, play some more!) but I kinda had to, as Mike, my ex flatmate and colleague was down from Birmingham to grace us with his presence. And to pick up some stuff he left here when he moved from Plymouth.

So, armed with my LED belt I went out on the beers. As we were shifting pubs I was stood at the entrance talking to my mate, 3 hot women walked past me, and each one gave me the eye. At first I thought there must be someone stood behind me, or I had a kitten on my head or something, so I checked and there was neither. My mate also noticed the girls giving me the eye, so I guess it could have been mass hallucination….

Anyway, they were hawt, and the one I got the biggest smile from was the hottest woman I’ve ever seen. I swear it. She was hotter than all my Ex girlfriends rolled into one. If we hadn’t been leaving the pub and moving to the next, I would have hunted her down like a rabid dog and made her worship me. Yes.

However, please bear in mind, that you have to be gorgeous to be branded ‘hot’ by me. I’m picky hugely above my station. I’m not sure I’ve EVER been out with an ugly girl (as per others, not just me), which is saying something. To be honest, I’d rather go without, and more often than not, I do. So although I’ve run a strictly no monsters policy when it comes to my love life, I also spend long periods of time single. The latest has been almost 4 years now, which is pathetic. Single for four years sounds pathetic, but then I’ve NEVER been with a monster. Can YOU say as much?

So… the beer was flowing freely, and the confidence was on the rise too. Please note, that wasn’t a euphemism. We went to a couple of more pubs, and then headed to a bar called Cuba. I personally wanted to go into Ride (which is next door) because as we arrived, the place was blasting out Vicious Battle Raps by DJ Format. However, Cuba was on the Menu, and that’s where we were going, despite my pleas.

By this point I was shitfaced.


See?

Before I continue, I’d better first explain my drinking habits. Like the throttle on my motorbike there are 2 scenarios; on and off. There is no in between. I’m either accelerating very quickly, or I’m stopping (as quickly as I can!). It’s the same with drinkning – all or nothing. I tend not to drink on a social level.

For example, I don’t drink at home, and I never ever just nip to the pub for ‘a quick pint’. The only time I really drink is when I go out. And then I put in 100% effort. So on the whole, I go from a ‘bit drunk’ to ‘shitfaced’. There’s very rarely a ‘merry’ or ‘quite drunk’ stage. Although there is a ‘completely shitfaced’.

This can occur anywhere between 11pm and 2am, and is usually the last time I will be seen on a night out. This is because when I am ‘Completely Shifaced’, I lose all memory (and control?) of what I’m doing, and my body will then walk itself home, usually via somewhere that sells chicken of some variety.

Sometimes, when I'm getting quite wasted, and having particular fun, my body will want to leave, but I'll still have enough power to make the decisions, so I'll stop it, and we'll stay for more drinks. Often when this happens, body will sit back and wait for the inevitable time when I'm not paying attention, and before I'll know it I'll be halfway home, chomping on a chicken burger.

It can get annoying, but what can I do? It's my defence mechanism! My body just decides it’s had enough toxin ingestion (alcohol is actually a toxin, we’ve just built up an immunity to it), and it takes me home, it’s really quite useful!


Another Random Photo. I don't half go on, don't I?

So, In Cuba (the bar, not the place, remember?), I’m starting to reach 'completely shitfaced'. It was time for the belt to come out. This thing holds 255 letters per message, and you can have 6. I programmed in a couple of messages. The LEDs on the belt are so bright that in a low light, they almost burn your retinas. Perfect. I got lots of funny looks whilst wearing that belt. Mind you, I did have “WILL ROMANCE FOR HEAD” and “HE LOVES THE COCK --> --> -->” The belt went down a treat, although I’m not sure women liked the messages much, and don’t think the guys I was standing next to liked the latter either...!

Then strangely, someone I was with bumped into someone I used to know when I used to be an ice skating genius, I tell thee (and I tried again last year – I’ve still got it!). Scott knows her through her brother. So I sautered over and joined that conversation! She was called Becky, and Becky was well hot too, and cos I knew her prior, I knew it wasn’t just the beer!

So I chatted to Becky for a while, and we reminisced about all sorts of things. Then I think I must have reached completely shitfaced, cos I then declared that I was going home. She asked why, and I said that all my mates had left. Turns out the bastards were just somewhere else in Cuba, but I didn’t know that, and body was determined it was going home.
So I mumbled something embarrassing about being in there next week and hoping to see her then, and I went home, without passing a chicken establishment.

I got home, and Nate was still up. I chatted loudly at him, as I was having trouble controlling the level of my voice. I think Laura was in bed, but luckily, she sleeps through anything. I don’t remember what Nate was doing, but he might have been playing The Movies too. So I thought it would be a good time to play too. Nate went to bed after a while, and I continued to play. The sun came up, and most of the beer wore off before I noticed the time. 7:40am. Hmmm…. What to do now? It was Sunday morning. I knew that if I went to bed, then I would sleep until at least midday, and then I’d have lost half of my Sunday, and I’d never sleep that night, so being a bit drunk still, I decided to stay up. So I watched Jarhead, the film with the dude from Donnie Darko in it. I was stunned by the film. Despite the fact I was knackered and slightly drunk, I loved the film. I can’t wait till it comes out on DVD, it’ll be a good film on the projector, with DTS sound blasting out at me.

I pretty much sat at my desk until 12:30am Monday morning, when I finally got myself to bed, after 41 hours of continuous awakeness. I worked out earlier, that in approximately 53 hours, I slept for three. “Not bad” I thought, “there’s efficient usage of time for you.”

So now I'm back at work, and having usual grief and disatisfaction, although it is possible things are on the up. I just need to make sure I have lots of drinking buddies to go to Cuba with me!

Any takers?

Goats in Trees!

Well, it's finally arrived. The Day I write about Goats In Trees. I've been procrastinating about this for a number of days now, but not for any reason other than the fact that I am a lazy oik.

The reason I am writing this post, is because I am sick of being branded a filthy liar by the people I know. This all started about a week ago. I was browsing the Intarweb for pictures of funnyness. I found many, and I shall post them in due course.
Anyway, I had found a number of funny pictures, so Laura and Nate, my housemates, were also sat near my PC, looking at the pictures with me. I came across a picture containing a number of goats, in a tree.



"Guffaw" said I, "The best thing about this picture, is that it is real"

"BOLLOCKS!" erupted the reply.

Now, I hadn't mentioned this earlier to my housemates, because quite frankly I didn't expect to see a picture of some goats in a tree, (and hence I found myself unprepared for the whole scenario) but I remember vividly watching a nature documentary when I was much younger that contained a lot of good footage of goats climbing trees, and goats in trees. For this reason I knew that this was true.

I had seen it, with two of my favourite eyes! I told my Housemates this (Laura was the least believing) but they refused to acknowledge that the picture was real, and that I was not winding them up.

"Just look at those tiny branches! You expect me to believe that the branches can hold the weight of a goat? How the hell did it get up there anyway? With just hooves, and no opposable thumbs?"



"Well, despite the fact that these two eyes (gestures) saw a nature program about such goats climbing such trees! They are DEFINITELY real, you loon."

However, no amount of reassurance was about to change her mind. I even found more pictures, which were quickly branded as being fakes. It got to the stage where Laura was so convinced I was winding her up, exasperated, I said, "Look, it's not like I've been going all over the internet, planting pictures of goats in trees, just so I could trick you into thinking it!"

Furious that I could be so readily dismissed as being a blatant liar (or possibly just crazy) I decided to undertake the mission to find further proof. So I went researching, and this is what I found:

In order to find a goat in a tree, you'd be best to travel to somewhere drought ridden like Morocco (I've been there, but I didn't see tree goats) or if you're lucky, certain parts of Spain. All of these pictures contain goats in Argan trees (argania spinosa), otherwise known as Moroccan Ironwood. It is an insidious tree with thorny leaves and a thick tough twisted trunk and branches. The goats climb the trees simply because they're too small to reach the fruits, a yellow flesh fruit like a cross between an olive and a lemon, but more rounded. The fruit is like KFC to the goats; they love it.



When goats eat the fruit, the fleshy part is digested but the nut remains. Later, the nuts are collected by farmers to produce oil.
The production of argan oil, which is still mostly done by traditional methods, is a lengthy process. Each nut has to be cracked open to remove the kernels, and it is said that producing one litre of oil takes 20 hours' work.
The oil is slightly darker than olive oil, with a reddish tinge. It can be used for cooking and is claimed to have various medicinal properties, such as lowering cholesterol levels, stimulating circulation and strengthening the body’s natural defences. It is used also for skincare products, and can also help reduce suffering caused by sunburn. As well as for cosmetic uses, the oil has an apparently delicious flavour, and is used in all manner of cooking, and I can't really be bothered to get into that right now.



Anyhoo, I've strayed from my original topic: Goats Climbing Trees. However, beware, as not every instance is as black and white as it seems. In certain areas of Morocco, you may see goats in trees, but they may not be tree climbing goats. In some areas local children put the goats in the trees so that they can pester the tourists for money once they take a picture of the goats in the tree.

So finally, after finding lots of photos and even a video, I finally convinced my housemates that despite what common sense may tell you, goats really can, and do, climb trees!



Then I made the mistake of mentioning it to the people at work. Ridicule ensued. So, I decided to write this post.

So here you should be able to find irrefutable proof that many a goat has climbed many a tree. If you untrusting buggers still don't believe me, then here is a good quote and a few links for you to follow:

On reflection, though, any mountaineer could tell you how easily a goat can get into and out of situations denied to us graceless bipeds unless we use fathoms of rope and an expensive collection of arcane ironmongery, so what should be so difficult about climbing a tree?

Did these Goats Really Climb Trees?

More Goats in Tress info and pics!

Tree Climbing Goats Crap Old Beauty Trick

Can't get enough of goats in trees

Please note, some of the content in this post has been nicked from some of these sites. Plagerlicious.



If I was a goat I'd go to space. People would call me SpaceGoat. Those that believed, anyway....

The Ancient Art Of Ninjing.

I feel that the time is right to bring Ninjing to the masses. The following was originally posted on my old website, http://www.ryan.dsl.pipex.com:

Ninjing is the ancient art of getting fuelled with beer, dressing up like a ninja and then partaking in all sorts of ninja activities. Ninjing is best undertaken at night and in a public park or walkthrough, although plenty of fun can be had with the peasants around town. A particular favourite is seeing how close to passers by you can get without being noticed, which when rather drunk can be challenging.

The photos from this particular episode were taken in Launceston, Cornwall (near England) way back in 2002. Possibly earlier. The 3 ninjas picked for this mission were me, Foss and Chris. Just to avoid confusion - the ninja with his rusty sherriff's badge winking is Chris.


This is me. Ready for ninjing.




The true ninja is not afraid of bonding with other ninjas. Only in teamwork can their true potential be achieved.




If you look carefully, you should just be able to see 2 ninjas. Masters of stealth and cunning, the ninja is most at home in the shadows. See the awesome power as the ninjas summon the moon to do their bidding, blinding all enemies with brilliant moonlight.




Again the ninjas hiding amoungst the shadows. So horrendously powerful are these ninjas that the ground here shakes, as the zombies cower and tremor in their graves.




Witness the boldness of these ninjas, for their skills are so great, that they even blend in amoungst the cold tough streets of Launceston. They go unchallenged, unseen and unheard. They are the shadow-walkers.




Again the ninjas summon the power of the moon. A different summoning this time, as the ninja utilises the power of stench.



And thus the end is here. The ninjas put away their masks and return to their normal identities, never revealing their awesome powers during their normal day to day lives.

Woooyaargh!

DJ Format, D-Sisive, Abdominal & Jurassic 5!

Hip Hop Bonanaza! Bonnn Nannn Zaaaaaaaa!

It's running a little late I know, but here it is. I promised I would add some videos of the Jurassic 5 Concert at some point, and I might well do it in this post. At least that's the intention anyway; hence the title of this post. I feel I should warn you though, this could be a long post as I've a lot to show you, so I might get fed up with posting before I get round to that!

About a week and a half ago, 2 days after I had seen Jurassic 5 in London, I had the pleasure of seeing DJ Format, Abdominal and D-Sisive at Jelly Jazz@The Quay Club here in Plymouth.




DJ Format.

"Ten years later, still a hip-hop slave. A prehistoric b-boy makin’ beats in my cave"

Format reinvents the old school with samples and beats from more sources than you can shake a b-boy at. He appears with Abdominal and D-Sisive a lot - both feature heavily in his new album - If You Can't Join Em.... Beat Em

MC Abdominal.

"Girls are hostile, cos my eyes are smaller than my nostrils..."

Incredible dexterity in his lyrics, he raps quick and clean. His lyrics are interesting and funny. A fine example is 'Ugly Brothers' on DJ Format's new album.

MC D-Sisive.

Smooth Flowing Rhymes. Apparently has been compared to Eminem, and although I can see (or should I say hear!) it, if he is mimicking Emimem, he's doing it better...!




So now you've met the Trio, I'll show you the photos (and maybe videos!) of them teaming up and perfoming!

Although that said, I'll include photos of the entire night. Some of these photos were taken by me, most were taken by my mate Si. You'll recognise him from the photos, he's the crazy guy who looks like (in my opinion) a Pirate. It's the beard. It always is. Yarrrr!!!


Yarr! Nuff said. :)


Si's sister (right) and friend.


What am I doing?


Boobs. That's my hand there. Nice.


...and it begins...


D-Sisive on the left, Abdominal on the right. Along with DJ Format (on the decks behind D-Sisive) an explosive combination.


As you can see, it was a bit hot in here, due the the Quay Club's atrocious air conditioning. Sometimes I cannot stay in Jelly Jazz for longer than an hour due to the heat. This night, I wore shorts!


DJ Format, working his magic beats.


Abdominal, rapping that yes, he could fit a whole baby in his mouth, see?


Not the best shot of Abdominal, but I wanted to put it online anyway. If he sees this - Sorry Man!


This'll be the famous 'human pickaxe' that abdominal mentions in the song Ugly Brothers, the noses of Abdominal and Format, back to back. Pity about that retard with her hands in the air.








"Brains. Braaaiiinnnsss!"


I'm not gonna bother commenting on all of these pics, I'll just leave you to appreciate them. Besides that, it was a rockin hip hop bonanza, what more do you want me to say?!?








It was REALLY hot. :)














Nice one Si. He at least had the clarity to get a photo taken. I was pretty drunk by the end of the evening, and quite knackered from dancing like a crazy man. I talked to all three after their set at one point or another, but I think mostly I talked shite. Mind you, I did buy 3 CDs off them, which would explain where that extra £15 had gone. Still, I've listened to them now, and I have to say, they were a bargain!

Right, well, what with procrastination/distraction/creation, editing and finally formation/of this blog, it guess I'll tell you how it really was, In the Quay Club the crowd was jumpin like a hopper bug/abdominal/ phenominal, an animal, his lyrics all around/spinnin up and then come crashin down/D-Sisive, devisive/consisive/delightive, the brain's like a sieve, too much beer swilling round in here, bouncing around with no idea, you-never-even-ever-try-conside- to-regulate, you-never-even-know-till-it-hits-and-then-it's-way-too-late, all of the lyrics have passed right through, your memory's gone it's all down to you, and beer.

- a small crappy rap about my views on the evening. Actually, it wasn't that bad. I do have a reasonable memory of the night, but not quite as good as I would liked to have had!

Right, that's it for now. It's taken me ages to get this done, so I'll post the Jurassic 5 clips and the Format ones together during the week.

Full sized versions of these photos can be found here.

Peace out. Thanks to Si for a copy of his photos, thanks to the Quay Club (well Pete Isaac really) for getting good people in, and most of all, thank you DJ Format, Abdominal and D-Sisive, for a wicked night!