Christmas Schmishmas

It's almost over. Yay! However, to spread the festivities, I've included a number of letters that various children recieved this year instead of presents:

Festive Bike Thieves

Morning Everyone.

I'm feeling pretty tired this morning. I think someone tried to steal my motorbike last night. The alarm on it went off at some point last night, and as it's right outside my window it woke me up. I looked out of the window, but I couldn't see anything out of the ordinary, so I went back to bed.

Shortly after I got up, my alarm went off again. This was unusual, cos normally it doesn't go off at all, let alone twice. So I looked out of the window again, and was surprised to see the thing lying on it's right hand side, with a small part sticking out into the road. I instantly came to the conclusion that someone had tried to have my monster away. This is because I park the bike right up against a wall and the pavement slopes towards the wall, meaning that if it's gonna fall anywhere, it will be on it's left hand side, into the wall.
I believe someone tried to nick it, the alarm went off, and it scared them off. Then out of spite came back later to knock it over as they weren't good skilled enough to get away with the beast.

I chucked on some clothes that were near to hand, and went outside to pick the bike up. Unfortunately I had filled it with petrol yesterday, so it was more than a little bit heavy.

Still, I'm hardcore, and even a lump of metal that weights five times as much as I do is no match for me. Chuck would be proud.

So I went back inside and got ready for work. I got my bike leathers on, and left the house. But the bloody bike wouldn't start. I don't know why, but it's not seeming good. Upon clicking the 'start' button, nothing happens. Nada. Zip. Not a thing stirred, not even a mouse.

I spent about 20 minutes checking the bike over, checking the plugs, looking for loose/cut wires, or any other obvious problems, but I couldn't find any. I checked for obvious problems, but could find none. Eventually, I came realise that I had absolutely no idea why the bike wasn't starting, and further procrastination would make me late for work.

I noticed that the clutch seemed odd, almost like it wasn't disengaging properly. But there was nothing I could really do about that either. I played with the adjustment on the clutch cable, and it seemed a bit better. But the thing sill wouldn't start. The starter motor doesn't even try. So I bump started the beast, and lo and behold, it started, and rode fine all the way to work.

However, once I got here, I tested, and the thing still won't start, so when work finishes, I'll have to bump start it again.

Grrr. It's annoying. It's only 2 days till Christmas, and I wanted to get some shopping done. Damn those festive thieves.

The real reason I'm so annoyed is that if they're gonna have a go at stealing it, the least they could do is actually steal it! What's the world coming to? Bloody retarded bike thieves. Can't even nick a motorcycle properly. If they'd done their job, I could have had a new motorbike within a couple of weeks!

Things I've Learned In Work Today...

That Jeremy Beadle really does like playstation.




That David "Huge in Germany" HassleHoff can swim faster than the average fish.






Now if you'll excuse me, I have baby seals to club.

My Name Is Earl - Consise Review

Some of you are no doubtedly already watching this fine piece of comedy hilarity.

I am going to keep my writing as concise as I can, as you shouldn't be reading this, you should be watching the show, dognammit!

Jason Lee stars as Earl J Hickey, and produces the show.


Poor Earl. In every photograph, he always seems to blink at exactly the wrong moment. :)


From left to right, the main characters in the show: Catalina (Nadine Velazquez), Earl (Jason Lee), Randy (Ethan Suplee), Joy (Jaime Pressly), Darnell aka Crabman (Eddie Steeples).

Earl is a hapless criminal who has an epiphany after he wins a lottery scratchcard, is hit by a car immediately afterwards, and loses his ticket. While doped up on morphine in hospital he sees Carson Daley on TV talking about Karma and how his life is good because he (Carson) does good things for others.


Keep that morphine comin'.

So Earl decides to write a list containing all of the bad things he's ever done, and one by one he's going to set about fixing those wrongs.


Some of the things on Earl's list. They're not all on here, cos there's over 260 so far!


Randy follows his brother Earl about and although Randy's pretty dim, he helps Earl out of a number of scrapes along the way.


It's only a one camera production, but the show is very well shot.

Here are a few more screenshots that I've taken. It's taken a while to compile them, and so right now I can't be bothered to to comment on them. I might do it later.

Enjoy!

Important New Chuck Norris News!

Well, as you all know, Chuck "Eyeballs of Strife" Norris has many amazing powers. Russ kindly made this animation to demonstrate a small part of Chuck's fearsome skills.


Behold! The Awesome Powers of Chuck Norris' Stare!

Thanks Russ. :)

I'm Not Too Good At Poetry (part ii)

I wrote a poem back in my schooldays to relect the changes in modern society and the tribulations of horticulture in the modern age. The poem came up in conversation in work today, so I thought I'd share it with you.

Mary had a little lamb,
It's fleece was rather red.
The reason for this colour change,
Was a pickaxe to the head.

Beautiful.

And in case you missed it, here's the other, more sensitive poem I wrote more recently and posted.

An Ode To Chuck Norris

I know that with a bit of help from my loyal readers (all three of you) Ryaninja can become the Number One Chuck 'Freakin Sweet' Norris Resource!

Chuck Norris Facts:

Chuck Norris has delivered many a seminar on stress related problem solving. He once completely cleared Switzerland of all stress, using a single roundhouse kick related technique. This is why Switzerland is a neutral country, as their country’s completed absence of stress means that they don’t get annoyed anymore, not even with America.

The following fact came from The Random Chuck Norris Fact Generator:*

Chuck Norris is the only man to ever win every hand of poker he ever played. After winning 23 straight World Series of Poker main events, he shook the dealers hand, roundhoused kicked him in face and retired with over 35 million dollars.

Chuck Norris Choice Photos


This is what Chuck will do to you if you ever, ever disobey him. Do not go there.


I dread to think what would happen to you in a 'Private Lesson' with Chick Norris in a leotard. No doubt it would probably involve bruising and swelling, with possible ripping. I can't imagine it would be pleasant.


This is Chuck with former sensei, Master Rhsee. This was the last time this man was seen. It is repoted that they fell out minutes after this photo was taken, (something to do with the Master's Tie. You can see Chuck Pointing at it) and flew off across the rooftops to fight to the death. Obviously, Chuck came out victoriousm, and disposed of his Master's body in space. This is all hearsay of course, but trust me, if you know Chuck like I know Chuck, you'd believe every word.


Jesus/Klingon Chuck Norris, of course. On your knees, peasants. Or he'll hit you with one of those big axe things, like Wharf in startrek has. Except about one thousand times harder. Wharf would wet himself and cry like a bitchslapped unpaid Thai girl in the company of the might Chuck Norris. Imagine what would happen to Wharf if Chuck rolled up one of his giant hands into one of his famous omnipotent fists? Huh? Huh?


Genius. The hair and the snarl is enough to make even the most testorone charged silverback gorilla tremble.


Does Chuck fight the Bear? Is it the bear of Death? I hope so, I know Chuck likes a light workout before lunch.


As you may have noticed, this is not Chuck Norris. But wait! It is a photograph from Chuck's upcoming movie, Tiny Fists of Terrible Fury.

The Speil from imdb:

It is 2046. Chuck plays Jenny, a six-year old girl who has been empowered with all the skills of every ninja that ever lived. An Evil Pirate, called Pistachio is trying to overthrow the aging Monarchy with an incredible horse that can turn back time by a couple of seconds. There is nobody who can stop them except Jenny! But can he stop the bad guys before the pumpkin of rage falls into the wrong hands? The Evil Pirate and the Incredible horse's powers form a formidable opponent. Watch Chuck's most deadly fight has to anticipate and block moves, seconds before they happen, whilst simultaneously fight off the Evil Pirate and his incredible horse in the present!

This really isn't Chuck. I found it when looking for Chuck Norris pictures. So one of them could be Chuck, just in disguise. It could be either one. Watch your back.


To be perfectly honest, this scares me. They kinda look like a couple, and it clearly states that "they're ready for action!" Urrrgh. Still, good for the dog, Chuck Norris is a fine catch for any young bitch.


Chuck Norris' attempt at Hitchcock. It's not scary at all until he rips his shirt off and starts running towards you, swinging a grand piano in a menacing fashion.


Chuck Norris. Aha! Tricked! It's a Chuck Norris Celebrity lookalike! Everyone prepare your rocks. Blasphemer!!!! Stone him!



Chuck Norris Haikus (written by me)

Chuck Norris so hard
Flying roundhouse to your face
I so dig his style

You can evolve
Into superhuman man
It is Chuck Norris

Peanut on your head
Chuck can kick it off fast
Like Kicking Cheetah

Even God fears the
Mighty Chuck Norris' fists
Wise if you do too.

Big Fist Bigger Foot
Big hair bigger moustache
Chuck Norris Fuck Yeah

Chuck damaged my spleen
While I pulled at his big tash
I did it for kicks

(By Nate)
Axe Kick to the face
I really hate hospital
Don't stroke Chuck's nice hair

(by Nate)
Fists swift like lightning
The Tash is just so fright'ning
Please come round to tea

This is it for the Ode To Chuck for now. If there is anything that you would like added to this page, please let me know, and I will do it. Doit.

Today Was Good

Despite work, Today was a good day.

This is primarily for three reasons:

1) I found out that I work with a guy called Bob Sleigh. Genius! He normally signs his name Rob, and I didn't actually know his surname, so I'd never made the connection before. Some of you may argue that Rob is not necessarily Bob, but I'd just argue that you are gay, and what do you know anyway? But today he signed off as Bob which foils your argument completely. Ha! Still, to your credit, Robsleigh is still pretty good.

2) I found out that a manager at my place is in hospital, with a torn sphinchter! Hahahahahha! It couldn't have happened to a more deserving bloke! I really don't like him. Quite frankly, he's an incompetant cunt. He usually swans round the office like he owns it, despite the fact he rose to his position by being clicky with the right crowd and smoking cock, I'd imagine. Quite how he's ripped his largest exit is currently a favourite topic of mine. My first guess was "Inserting Fruit" then I decided it was probably more likely a Manager's meeting that did it to him, or maybe a golf weekend with his boss, who is also an arrogant twat. It might have been a shit capable of being a danger to shipping, like a giant brown iceberg, but personally I wouldn't like to give him the credit.

Still, that really made my day. I might send him an email congratulating him on his latest promotion, obviously an event with a direct relation to his freshly reamed rusty sheriff's badge.

Ah Joy. Still, I have two more questions regarding this - firstly - Why oh why did he tell anyone about this? I don't know about the average bloke, but if I'd somehow torn my arsehole (ain't ever gonna happen) I'd tell people I had to have a mutant baby removed from my back or leprosy or something, anything but a torn anus. Secondly, my boss told my team. I can't believe he can get away with that personally! Surely some things (like a perforated starfish) are private and confidential?

3) And finally, I managed to fit a random fact about Chuck Norris into a legitimate email about work today. I forgot to forward the mail home, and I can't remember what I wrote. It may not have been very funny, but it made me laugh, and that's what counts.
I'll post it tomorrow.

In other news. I watched the video to 'The JCB song' today. I'd never heard the song before, someone told me about it. The song is strangely compelling, and I simply love the video. I would host it myself, but I don't know the legalities, plus it's 15mb, so that would eat at my bandwidth pretty quick!

Instead go to www.jcbsong.co.uk

It's by a band called Nizlopi from Leamington, England. Enjoy, or I'll get Chuck "Crazy Toes" Norris to roundhouse kick you in the neck.

Punk ass biatch motherfucker

God damn blogger. I wrote an enormous post, and I published it, but when I checked for comments this morning it was gone! Robbing bastards!

As I wrote it without really thinking about what I was writing (as per usual), I can't actually remember what I wrote!

I find it hard enough to find the time to post, let alone spend a couple of hours on writing, only to have to do it all again.

So... fuck you, blogger imp! Give me back my posts, or I'll shove this here keyboard up your arse.

Thanks.

The Ancient Art Of Ninjing.

I feel that the time is right to bring Ninjing to the masses. The following was originally posted on my old website, http://www.ryan.dsl.pipex.com:

Ninjing is the ancient art of getting fuelled with beer, dressing up like a ninja and then partaking in all sorts of ninja activities. Ninjing is best undertaken at night and in a public park or walkthrough, although plenty of fun can be had with the peasants around town. A particular favourite is seeing how close to passers by you can get without being noticed, which when rather drunk can be challenging.

The photos from this particular episode were taken in Launceston, Cornwall (near England) way back in 2002. Possibly earlier. The 3 ninjas picked for this mission were me, Foss and Chris. Just to avoid confusion - the ninja with his rusty sherriff's badge winking is Chris.


This is me. Ready for ninjing.




The true ninja is not afraid of bonding with other ninjas. Only in teamwork can their true potential be achieved.




If you look carefully, you should just be able to see 2 ninjas. Masters of stealth and cunning, the ninja is most at home in the shadows. See the awesome power as the ninjas summon the moon to do their bidding, blinding all enemies with brilliant moonlight.




Again the ninjas hiding amoungst the shadows. So horrendously powerful are these ninjas that the ground here shakes, as the zombies cower and tremor in their graves.




Witness the boldness of these ninjas, for their skills are so great, that they even blend in amoungst the cold tough streets of Launceston. They go unchallenged, unseen and unheard. They are the shadow-walkers.




Again the ninjas summon the power of the moon. A different summoning this time, as the ninja utilises the power of stench.



And thus the end is here. The ninjas put away their masks and return to their normal identities, never revealing their awesome powers during their normal day to day lives.

Woooyaargh!

World Aids Day!

As it's World Aids Day I thought I'd post a couple of songs. Consider it my contribution to the celebrations.

Song 1

Song 2

Enjoy.

Domain Name Humour...

Maybe these companies should have thought a little more laterally about their domain names:

Firstly there is "Who Represents", a database for agencies to the rich and famous: www.whorepresents.com

Second is the "Experts Exchange", a knowledge base where programmers can exchange advice and views: www.expertsexchange.com

Looking for a pen? Look no further than "Pen Island": http://www.blogger.com/www.penisland.net

Need a therapist? Try "Therapist Finder": www.therapistfinder.com

And there is the "PowerGen Italy" website: http://www.blogger.com/www.powergenitalia.com

Finally we have the "Mole Station Native Nursery", based in New South Wales: www.molestationnursery.com

Got any more? Send em my way!