Strange Dreams and Souls

Dreams are weirdness. Mine, when I have them, are especially weird.

Last night I dreamt I was being hunted by some military people. The areas ranged from jungle to urban sprawls. I don't dream often, but I do have this type of dream a lot. The 'hunted' type dream. To be quite truthful, I quite enjoy it.
Last night I also dreamt that I had an Ipod Mini, and that had an 'invisible' feature, where it would just shimmer and vanish, sorta like the Predator. I wonder what this means?

I've only had about 3 types of recurring dream in my lifetime so far. The first, the most recent recurring, is about soldiers hunting me, and is quite good fun. I don't remember a lot of specific details about it, but I remember the strange blend of excitement and fear. It's pleasing.

The second type, which I used to have a lot when I was younger, is about me being trapped inside a house I used to live in, and I'm being chased by some invisible ummmm.... 'thing' is the best description. What is most strange about this dream is that it flicks from my perception, to viewing the chase through the eyes of it. I run round the house, turning on the light switches because I know that if I get the lights on, then everything will be ok.
Unfortunately for me, the lights come on, but are incredibly dim, akin to the lowest setting on a dimmer switch. The shadows are softened, but the darkness remains, and there's still something in the house after me. Streetlight floods in through certain windows, but it's not bright enough to help.

While I run the gauntlet through the barely lit house, my vision keeps flicking to that of the thing. It's fast, the edges of it's vision blurred by the speed. It moves swiftly and smoothly, low to the ground, and occasionally I catch glimpses of myself through it's eyes. It's amazing I'm managing to stay ahead for so long.
Eventually, it catches me in the streetlamp lit front room. I'm stood by the windows, and the thing is the other side of the room. I can't see it, but I know it's there, sitting in impenetrable darkness. Suddenly it moves, and I'm seeing through it again. It swoops in a wide fast arc around the edge of the room towards me, and then swooshes right up to my my face. The whole movement takes less than a second, and as I see the look of fear on my face through it's eyes, I wake up.

The last recurring dream I 've had was a few years ago. I only had it a couple of times, but it was kinda creepy nonetheless.
I'm in a library, but in my dream I only see one small section of it. There's a big old wooden table with a couple of lamps on it. Behind the table is an enormous bookcase, maybe 4 metres wide, and it goes from the floor right the way up to the ceiling. At each of the bookcase ends are another bookcase, facing in and creating a 'C' shape around the desk. There are thousands of old thick books on the bookshelves.

There are a couple of children sat at the table, a boy of abot 7 and a girl is around be 4 or 5. They're wearing Victorian style clothes, but this isn't the only thing that isn't right. At first I can't place what the matter with them is. They seem to be turning the pages of books, but aren't actually reading. Apart from the odd rustle of the pages neither child makes a single sound. They seem weary and tired, devoid of all colour and vigor. Page after page they turn, until they get to the end of the book each is reading, at which they close the book, and slowly move towards the bookcase. They replace the book, take another and then move back to the table to repeat the process.

I step closer, into the light shed by the lamps, but neither looks up from the books.
It's only then I notice they're ever so slightly transparent, and somehow, I immediately know what's wrong with them. You may be thinking that they're ghosts, but they're not.

They're soul-less.

I don't know how I know this, I just do. As my dream progresses although neither child says a word, I come to understand that they have been looking for their souls. The souls are hidden in a book, somewhere in the library. With no concept of time or impatience, their empty shells search for the contents to go back inside, one page at a time, a faint glimmer of dissappointment in their once sparkling eyes every time they turn a page and fail to find their souls. They've been there for hundreds of years, and they seem to be no closer to their goal than when they started, but still they quietly trudge on.

The library is huge, and I try to help, but it's useless. I don't really remember how the dream ends, but I always wake up pleased that my 'soul' is in tact.

So those are my three recuring dreams. What do they mean I wonder?

Oh, and completely off topic, I learned today that although it is impossible for man to walk across the surface of water, it is possible for him (or her!) to walk across custard. Providing they don't stop walking, or they'll sink.

Marriage Vs Prostitution

Right, well I know how much fury this will cause in many women especially my new admirer Tam, but what the hey, let's talk about a delicate topic and see what happens.

I was listening to some colleagues at the other day at work. They were discussing their marriages; one was married, the other was getting married. They were discussing cost, mainly.

Did you know that the average UK wedding costs between twelve to fifteen thousand pounds? This includes everything, from the placemats to the honeymoon. This is a lot of money, in my opinion, just for your woman's 'special day' and a piece of paper. Also bear in mind that this is only the average price, meaning that some people's must be a lot higher as well.

All this got me thinking. Women are expensive creatures to keep.



Even women that have decent paying jobs (or families) can often be just as much a drain on your financial resources as a poor one. The reason for this being that all women like doing stuff. "Let's go for lunch in a pub in town" is a fine example. I have no problems with this, but when you eat out a lot, the cost does mount up. This seems a bit unfair to be making these claims, but I talk from experience. The only time in my life I stopped dipping into my overdraft each month was when I became single.

So I wonder, would it be cheaper, over the course of a lifetime, to have a wife, or pay for prostitute? I'm making my mind up as I go along, as I haven't come to a decision. All the thinking about this is happening ad lib.

A wife has certain requirements. Here is a list of things that cost money, which they ALL seem to do:

• Need a new house. Generally the pattern goes: redecorate the entire house. Then move house. Then redecorate new house. I can name at least 5 colleagues who seem to be in endless circle of DIY, redecorating and moving house, all because of their squishier other.

• Need things. Things for the house, things for the garden. Things that hold no purpose, except to chisel your home into the type of place you only see in magazines at the doctor's surgery or your gran's house. I know one man whose wife suddenly bought some live chickens and a little house for them, completely out of the blue. Just goes to show you never know what they might NEED.

• Want children. I'm gonna write a post some time on how the world's going mad from overpopulation. For now, the relevance for children is that they are bloody expensive, and a hell of a lot of work. You pay for them for over a fifth of their life, and usually more, unless you were an outstanding child like me, and got the fuck out before you were 17

• Desire clothes, shoes, presents, etc. They have birthdays, valentines, and plenty of other consumer whore days. If you have kids, there's more still. I know I've only scratched the surface as far as costs are concerned, but I think this is enough to make my case for my gut reaction of prostitution being cheaper in the long run.

You see if the average marriage costs £12K, and you have children, move house a couple of times, buy a couple of cars, get a family pet, send your kids to uni, pay for their every need, dote on your wife, then there isn't a lot of cash left, unless you become wealthy enough to cover these costs tenfold, in which case, the wife's wants will follow suit, and you'll probably still be skint.



I would estimate that as your married life becomes exponentially more expensive, most of your income would go towards keeping this 2.4 family unit happy. Primarily the wife, because if she isn't happy, then nobody is. For most people I work with, I would say that that is in excess of £20,000 per year. Some of my colleagues in my team earn around the mark of 40K per year, and I know that they don't get as much cash to themselves as I do, and I earn less than they do, an amount nowhere near in proportion when you consider how little money they have to spend compared to me on my lower salary. If I earned what they do, I'd would probably have at least twice as much money, maybe three times the amount at my disposal than they do, due to, in essence, their wives.

Now let's say the average decent quality hooker in the UK costs £60 per shag. For twenty grand a year, you could have sex 333 times. And that's not counting the fact that she'd probably give you a discount for that much business. You could have sex nearly every day for less than it costs to have a family. Now there might be the odd day you don't want sex, and so, you gain more money.


If you found one like this, you would be even better off!

Let's say the average married couple have sex 4 times a week. Now that's generous, and doesn't count the fact that once you stay with someone for a long enough period of time, the sex dries up. Over the course of a married lifetime the average amount of sex per week is probably only about once, and I reckon that's generous, given the number of people who seem to complain they're not getting it enough.
Anyway, for 4 times a week at £60 a go, that's still only £12,400. You're getting more sex than the average married man, and you're more than seven and a half grand richer.

Now if you has a successful career, and you're busy a lot of the week with lots of activities that you enjoy doing, then it might be better off just having a hooker at the weekend and on special occasions. You could have a regular posh and pretty escort girl to accompany you Saturdayurday evening, have a great gettingedrunkdrunk in nightclubs, soaking up the envy of other men, especially the 'happily' married ones, and then back to your swanky batchelor pad for a night of explosive porno sex.

I have no idea how much a night like this would cost (honest!), but I bet it would be cheaper than the lifetime of debt, marriage and children. Hell if you wanted really high class, you could just do it every other week and on special occasions or work night outs. If you had a regular high class call girl, nobody would need to know she wasn't your other half, except of course your close friends.

Another advantage would be if you became bored with your regular girl, or you weren't really getting along too well, you could just change her. Sure, she may have given you a discount, but she would always cry after sex, and it was really disconcerting. Sorry, ahem, back to topic.

It would seem to me so far at this point that life would be not only cheaper, but easier too, when you consider all the complex emotional stuff that comes with marriage.


Come on Girls, admit it. You'd do this given half the chance wouldn't you?

I feel it important to note that virtually all my comments about women being expensive could just as easily be arranged to say that men are expensive. And you'd probably be right. So ditch your boyfriend or husband, and turn to Gigolos. Incidentally I've just started a new business with competitive rates, and I can provide excellent references.

So that's my thoughts on the matter, cut kinda short as I have to go out, and not quite as controversial as I thought they might turn out to be. However if I think of anything else, I'll post it up.

Keep the fan mail coming.

I'm a Filth Monger!

I checked my blog today for messages, and maybe even the inkling of intention to write something. I found this:

This is Adam's wife speaking, I came onto Adam's PC to look at some houses online and found this disgusting filth, frankly I am appalled and will be banning my husband from going on the internet unsupervised ever again.

I fact I might even ban the internet altogether. Shame on you Ryaninja or whatever your name is.

Adam's Wife, Tam.

Finally!

I consider myself a fairly controversial person. This is because I tend not to censor my words. I pull no punches so to speak. It's mostly that I don't really think before I speak; what I think comes straight out the gob.
Only recently I've been thinking that maybe I haven't been controversial enough. To be honest, I'm afraid that I'll voice all my opinions, someone from work would read it, and I'd somehow get myself into a whole world of pain, due to me being possibly slightly over-opinionated and un-politically correct.

However, even though it was completely unintentional, I've still managed to offend someone! Result! It means that people do actually read this mind constipation, and have an opinion about it! Hooray! People are thinking again!

And it's all thanks to the 'filth'.

So hooray to filth! I have a busy weekend ahead of me, including sleeping in my new crazy hammock tent! in the woods by the moors. Oh it's gonna be fun. Anyway, back to my point, if I get time this weekend, I'll post some more filth. I think the next post will be about...... ummmmm..... Prostitutes. Yes, that's a good topic.

Another thing of mention is that I got pulled over by a police car today. It was expected really, as I did try and pass him at 40mph in a 30. Luckily for me he just given out his last speeding ticket, and so he couldn't book me. Lucky lucky! I'll write about it in more detail on my other blog about the fun dangers of motorcycling.

Oh and my flatmate, who works with me and is moving out tomorrow brought my boss round to my current, incredibly open-plan flat, shortly after I had a blow on the horn of Gondor. D'oh! Ah well, what can ya do?

I Saw Muff Today.

Currently listening to: The Gorillaz: Demon Days.

Today's been a good day. I got a decent amount of sleep last night and woke up feeling good. The weather started off drizzly wet and generally horrible, but cleared up to be a really nice day. I went out at lunchtime, enjoyed the sunshine, and didn't want to return to work afterwards. However, work wasn't too stressful and the day passed pretty quickly. I bumped into pie in the tea room, and spent a while talking to her about alcohol holidays and chicken.

Then I went to the gym. I love the gym. I normally do a weights workout that I vary between sessions of 5x5 sets of heavy weights, 3x10 of normal weights, and 3x20 of light weights. After weights I'll then do a load of cardio work, then a 30 minute stretch down routine that is probably more akin to a light yoga session. Today I did a normal weights workout (3 sets of 10 at 49kgs for most upper and lower body machines) . I hadn't been for nearly a week (apart from yesterday), so I seem to be struggling with my normal weights workout. I'll get back into it. However, I quite enjoy the feeling of barely being able to life your arms above your head, for some reason, so even a difficult workout is enjoyable.
I rarely ache the following day though, which I put down to a good stretch at the end of the workout, and the fact I normally go and sit in the jacuzzi and steam room afterwards.

What's more enjoyable about the gym is the pie. There's always at least one nice piece working out for the good of her marvellous body. Today in the gym was suprisingly sparse, but there was the odd one or two, even if they were there with their boyfriends. So afterwards I went to the pool area to relax for a little, and I discovered the pool was simply crawling with luxury pie. As I sat in the Jacuzzi, and was joined by 3 lovely ladiees of varying quality, but nevertheless all definitely qualified for the title of luxury pie. One in particular was wearing a seethrough yellow bikini. I don't think it was supposed to be seethrough, but it was, and it was delicious. As she got into the jacuzzi I got a fine shot of her muff. It was most pleasing. I had to stay an extra 5 minutes in the jacuzzi than I wanted though. Even though I was hot and really thirsty, I just couldn't get out with my shorts in their current situation.
The whole scenario wasn't helped by her two gorgeous friends, one who's breasts were bouncing in a most pleasant way due to the jacuzzi bubbles, and the other who kept getting out of the jacuzzi and adjusting her key pin clippy thing on her pink bikini bottoms. And she had truly fantastic breasts as well. I could barely keep my eyes off them, and normally I'm a bit shy about staring at random mostly naked gorgeous women.

Brilliant.

So then I went and had a wank. Kidding! I went to the steam room and almost fell asleep, then looking like a lobster I cooled down in the pool by swimming a few lengths, and then I left.

So now I'm about to go out to Jelly Jazz with my flatmate Mike, as he's moving out on Saturday, and I'm hoping I'll be able to see more muff! It's been ages since I've seen muff, but stranger things have happened than me seeing 2 different muffs in the same day. Hell, I'd settle for the muff I saw earlier, and even then I wouldn't be settling!

I've been single for too long. Does it show?

Finally lost the plot.

I've always been accused of being crazy or even slightly insane. It's my brain. It makes me say all sorts of weird things. Anyway, I think it's finally given up, and I've gone mad. The other day I spent all day thinking I had left my wallet at home. I had to tailgate behind someone to get in my work building, then scrounge someone's card to get food (we 'charge' our work ID cards up, so none of the vending machines or the staff canteen takes cash). Then I was going round a friend's house, but I owed them some money, so I went home to get my wallet. I spent ages looking for my wallet, and in the end gave up. It was only when I put my motorbike jacket back on that I realised it was in one of the pockets. D'oh!

I have a sort of a system going on when it comes to the placement of essential items like my keys, my wallet, my phone, and my PDA. I say a 'sort of a system' because it doesn't always work out the way it should. My wallet absolutely should not have been there, and because I didn't expect it to be there, I just hadn't looked. I mean, I NEVER put it there.

Well anyway, today's been one of those days. This is what it currently looks like:


Nice. If you're a duck. Stoopid ducks.

I woke up, and it was sunny. Then it went cloudy and started to rain. I needed to go in town to BUY STUFF! I like stuff. Anyway, I couldn't find my wallet. Again. I looked everywhere, and it wasn't anywhere it should have been. Not being caught out twice, I checked all the places that it shouldn't be. It wasn't there either. So I went to work to look there. But first I had to persuade the new security guard that I really did work there and wasn't some crazed terrorist from Dirkistan. I didn't have my card, cos it was in my wallet. So I investigated my desk under the watchful eye of the security guard with all the power. Nada. No wallet.

So I went home again, and checked there. Nada. I thought I might have left it round a friend's house, so I phoned them, and they checked, but nothing. Then I thought, maybe I hadn't checked at work thoroughly enough. I could have left the wallet in my work trousers (which stay in work unless they need a wash - I wear my leathers to work on my bike).

So not wanting to be foiled by the ever vigilant security guard at work, I went to leave for Laura and Nate's to pick up Laura's card (so that I could sneak in ninja style, unnoticed. Muhauhauahuahaaaa!). Unfortunately, my bike alarm blooper now wasn't working. I stood in the rain for a few minutes, then went back inside. It took me a little while to find my spare blooper. Grrrrr.

I eventually got back to work, and checked all the places it could be. Still no wallet. Exasperated, I decided to remove everything from my back pack. I opened it up, removed the breakables, then turned it upside down and shook. No wallet. So I reached in, and felt around, and low and behold, there it was! My black leather wallet had wedged itself into the corner of the bottom of my bag. It was exactly the same colour as the inside of the bag , so it was perfectly camouflaged, and looking in, even when empty, it was very hard to see. What a muppet. I probably rode 15 miles on my bike trying to find this thing, and I had it all along. It's like losing your sunglasses on the top of your head, but on a my larger scale.

I have to move flat soon, and I saw a really really nice place in the paper for let so I went to see the agency that lets it. It's a little out of my price range, but I was planning on getting someone to share with, and that would be a perfect price. So I parked my motorbike on the pavement round the corner from the letting agents office, and walked round and went inside. I started asking a friendly middle aged woman about the house for let, and as she was telling me about it, she got called away as her car was blocking someone in. Her replacement, some guy told me that the house had been withdrawn from the market only yesterday, because the house had had nobody looking, he owner decided to live there after all. Dammit!

So I left my details, and was stepping out of the door when I almost bumped into the woman who had first served me, so to speak. She held up a set of keys, and said, "are these yours?". They were. Amazing. What a pickpocket, I never even saw her come near me. Turns out, as she was on her way back from moving her car, she had come across someone who'd found my keys near my motorbike. She said that she'd just seen someone with one (me), so she'd taken them from the person and bought them to me. She commented to me as I took the keys from her in amazement that "someone must be looking out for me up there". I thought about my wallet incident and doubted this very much, but I agreed, as she knew nothing of the wallet incident, and would probably be confused if I mentioned it in passing.

What was even more bizarre though, was the fact that the keys that the woman had, weren't my motorbike keys, but my house keys, which should have been firmly in my jacket pocket! I have 2 sets of keys. One is the house keys, and I have a set for my bike too. I keep them separate so that if I go out without my bike, then I don't have to lug a big lump of keys about. But strangely, my housekeys had come out and been traced back to me!

There is some more stuff to tell about, but I'll visit it another time, as I'm supposed to be in the pub now. Running late....

I'll just say I got kidnapped by a giant walrus, bent on the destruction of the earth. And me, evidently. Everyone thinks I'm crazy anyway; it seems like the perfect excuse!

Chilli Competition.....

This is the story of a Chilli Judge. He was the #3 Judge, and was an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting from Springfield, IL.

"Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off.
The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be
standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the Coors Light
truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native
Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I
could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted".


Here are the scorecard notes from the event:



CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI...

Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.

Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy Sh!t, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.


CHILI # 2 - AUSTIN'S AFTERBURNER CHILI...

Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.

Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.


CHILI # 3 - FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI...

Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.

Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.

Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting Sh!t-faced from all of the beer.

CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC...

Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.

Judge # 3 -- Ifelt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-LB woman is starting to look HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?

CHILI # 5 LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER...

Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.

Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.


CHILI # 6 - VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY...

Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.

Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.

Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I Shit on myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone.


CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI..

Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. "I should take note that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably."

Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing.
I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway If I need air, I'll just suck it in through
the 4-inch hole in my stomach.


CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI...

Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough
to declare its existence.

Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see
that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. poor feller, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili?

Judge # 3 -
No Report

A Make You Famous Extravaganza!!!!

Hello again my online chums. It would appear that I've been slack again. The fingers of apathy have dug their claws into me more than usual recently. Although this means everything is sort of gray and fuzzy (this is a good thing!), it also means I've been slack. No wait, make that very slack.

As it's been a while since I've blogged about anything about me, I'll tell you what I've been up to, then I'll get to the topic of the day, and make some people famous!

I've been to Ninjutsu for the past 3 weeks, and it's been fun. I've learnt all sorts of evil wrist and arm locks as well as breakfalls, rolling falls (all directions), and I discovered that I'm more flexible than anyone there, with possibly the exception of the Sensei, although it's close. I really should flip out on someone sometime to test my skills...

Also fitness related, I've started a new diet - I'm eating every three hours. This isn't really a diet, but more of a nutrition lifestyle. The difference is that a diet implies that you're going to end it at some point, whereas this is a plan that is for the long term, possibly forever if I get used to not eating junk!

I'm hardly fat (last measure was 14% BF - Body Fat), but I'm aiming for uberbuffness. I go to the gym a lot, and I don't eat properly, so I figured that if I eat right, then results will come much quicker. Really all I need to achieve is a proper 6 pack (getting there), but bringing my body fat down will accelerate the time it takes to achieve uberbuffness.


I'm not getting fanatical about this fitness and nutrition shite, but I am making sure that I don end up looking like this. Look at you man, you're a disgrace to the human race. Heh. That rhymes.

One of the premises behind eating every 3 hours is that your body will digest a meal in 2 - 2.5 hours. By eating every 3 hours your metabolism keeps burning, and your body burns all the calories without storing them. You also introduce a small calorie deficit, which I mention below. When you 'diet' and starve yourself of food and or calories, your body will enter a kind of starvation mode. Your metabolism slow and will continue to get slower the longer you starve yourself. It can slow down by as much as 45%! This explains how people can survive for weeks and months on water alone, and how people can survive for a very long time on very little food.

What happens is that your body starts to eat upon the metabolically active tissue (muscles) first, rather than your fat reserves. This is because your body is cunning, like a fox in an invisibility suit. If your body sacrifices muscle, it can slow the metabolism further, and keep hold of it's precious anti-starvation supplies. Calories. Muscle will burn about 50 calories a day for every lb of muscle you have. 10lbs of muscle? Bam. 500 calories used per day, doing nothing. By contrast fat burns no energy, it just sits there. So by breaking down your muscle for food, your body now requires less calories just to keep ticking over.
Another reason it consumes muscle first is that each lb of fat is worth 3500 Calories. Once your muscles have been broken down as much as possible as fuel for the body, your metabolism will be drastically slowed. Then your body starts to eat upon the fat it has stored. This provides quite a long period of time of survival, as a woman requiring 1000 calories a day in starvation mode and with 10lbs of fat could survive up to 35 days without food! In the right conditions, I assume.


Being fat does have it's advantages though. Apparently the power of Telekenisis is one of them.

So people who 'diet' and starve themselves whether per day or over a number of days end up slowing their metabolism and they will lose muscle as a consequence. Sure they lose fat too, but more of it is muscle. Diets as we know them cannot be kept up indefinitely, as they are just quick fixes and we all know they are no good for you. So when the 'dietee' goes back to their normal eating habits, they find they put on weight. This is because now that they have less muscle, they actually require less calories, but they are eating the same as they did before the diet, which is giving them a calorie excess.

This only works however, if you eat proper clean food in limited portions (for me about 400-500 Calories), with complex carbohydrates such as brown rice or potatoes, protein - lean meats such as chicken or turkey breast, and polyunsaturated fats, such as egg yolks or fish.

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Do you eat too much and don't exercise? Then you're probably full of this. Horrific, isn't it?

Another necessity is that you actually stick to the plan. After about 3-4 hours, when certain amino acids and proteins gained from eating will no longer be in your system, your body will start to cannibalise your muscles. Muscles are important to getting less fat, as I explain below.

Junk food isn't really allowed, although it doesn't hurt to eat the occasional bad meal.

So now to the calorie deficit. If you reduce your calories by about 200 below your required level, but you are eating decent food every 3 hours, your body will not go into starvation mode, unless you are well below your calorie level. Providing you are working hard at the gym, it's ok. The secret behind this nutrition plan is that you are not actually losing the fat, but burning it with exercise and a higher metabolism caused by a eating habits and a higher muscle percentage. Some people find exercise alone will help, but for most people really good results such as body fat percentage in single figures can only come with a decent eating and exercise plan. The ironic thing is that the lower the percentage of bodyfat you have (ie more muscle in contrast) the better your body will be at burning off fat.


Says it all really, doesn't it?

Wow. I talked about that a lot. It's because I'm so impressed by the book. It's by a guy called Tom Venuto. He's a natural bodybuilder (NEVER taken drugs to improve his physique) and a Personal Trainer. His website has had nearly 2.5 million hits, and all the reviews I've read on his work have said that his book is one of the best nutrition guides out there. He writes simply, and doesn't fill the book with biochemistry, but also tells you the reason why you should and shouldn't do everything he mentions in the book.

His book is available at www.burnthefat.com It's 347 pages of A4 paper long, but is thoroughly worth the purchase! It's amazing what you didn't know about your own body!

Phew. I'm sure I had loads of other things to write about, but I can't really remember them, and this post is getting a bit out of hand now, so I better get back on track...!

A Make You Famous Extravaganza!!!! (finally!)

Candidate #1

First up is Adz. You may remember him from such posts such as Gonna Make You Famous Baby part II !

He has been hogging the spotlight a little, but this time it's his penis who takes the credit. Mrs Adz recently endured physical pain akin to a coconut being shoved up you arse. Dry. She gave birth to a baby boy! Yes that's right, it wasn't a full-grown man! I mean what is the phrase 'a baby boy' supposed to imply? That the mother was so big everyone had suspected the baby might be a fully grown human? Or better still, a Yeti?


Proud Daddy Adz, with Harrison. Small. The next baby will be called Chewie.


Babies always seem to remind me of old people; pink, mostly bold, angry looking, and they piss themselves. This baby will be old soon, and before you know it he'll be waving his stick at the pesky kids on hoverscooters. Unless he becomes cryogenically frozen in stasis, to be woken up in a million years, in which case he may never get old! Human beings will probably have either turned into blemanche, kinda like giant squishy brains, or possibly are living in what was the internet, with green hats on their bodies, which will most likely be mushy pink brain bodies. Which means that humans ARE going to turn in to giant squishy brains. I knew it. I hope they don't ooze too much. Well regardless, the humans of the future are going to be far more advanced, and technology such as toasters that can't burn your toast will come out. But this baby is special. Revere him, for he will live among the brains!

Ahem.

Congrats Adz, and your penis of life. :)


Candidate #2

Next up is Jimbo!



Previously my Flatmate, and now 400 miles away in Ipswich, James is a Graphic Designer. He moved back to his home town because he missed his mum. Ha! Not really! Or is it? Actually he started his own business doing graphic design work. So if you need any flyers or promo work or anything like that, he's your man!

I have some of his artwork, and it's very cool indeed. You can see some of it James' Website:

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Some of the pics are a touch on the small side, but it's to stop people from stealing it. They are far more impressive in normal size.

Here's a picture of James and I together, to prove that I haven't just made him up. Although saying that, I'm in disguise in this photo as I no longer have a beard, or long hair!


Yarr!


Candidate #3

Finally today, we have Jeff. Jeff has been waiting very patiently for me to make him famous, so he should be remembered for that alone. However Jeff has many other interesting skills. Perhaps you will glimpse an insight into them in the following pictures provided by Jeff Himself.


Jeff is the guy second from the left. If you can see him behind that grinning madman who seems to be hogging the frame. I take it the point was to get the buildings in the background? For some reason the first thing I noticed about this picture was that crazy guy. Everything else might as well have been in black and white. Luckily he didn't show up in any of the other pictures, or maybe he'd already been cropped out.


Jeff and the family unit. The Elephants behind him look sinister, and one also appears to be eating from the arse of another.


I love this shot. I wonder what happens next...?


Jeff and his bendy wood. Hehe. Jeff is about to launch himself, catapult style from these trees, so that he may flying headbutt arch backpacker nemesis Simon Quinlab, who is over a mile away, eating sandwiches on some nice rocks by a stream.


That's it for today! Again apologies for the drought in posts, and if you've made it through all that, thanks for reading my blog!

I'll post again on Wednesday, or Maybe Thursday. Wouldn't want to overwhelm you all after such a quiet spell would I?

Radio Ga-Ga

I just got a new radio for my car. It's really really cool. It's only just come out, and is very high-tech. It has the very latest in voice recognition software built into it. All I have to do to get it to change stations is say what kind of music I'd like to hear. For instance, if I say "rock", it plays a rock station. If I say "rap" it plays a rap station. If I say "oldies" it goes to an oldies station. Last night, I was on my way home, and 3 kids ran out in front of my car. I yelled "Fucking kids!", and it started playing Michael Jackson music.

The truth about penguins.

This post is in response to Foss post on his blog about making penguins travel at the speed of light, using only a "Big-ass spring" a penguin sized-tube and a whole lot of lubrication. You can read the post here.

I've always been slightly suspicious of penguins. They have the capacity to be heavier than they look.


This penguin and penglet actually weigh in excess of 7000 tonnes. In reality, the scales would be little more than a flat piece of metal by now.

You see, not many people actually know this, but penguins are the unit of measurement for dark matter. On earth, the only place you'll actually be able to see dark matter is on a penguin.

This is because penguins have evolved slowly from the first ancient angels. God told this race of angels that the only thing they weren't allowed do in the whole of the universe was deep throat the Holy Banana of innocence.
Unfortunately, the penguin angels were sluts, and they couldn't resist deep throating the banana. God then punished them, for now they knew deep throat, and the taste of banana, which was a bit fishy.

So God cast them down to earth, and said unto them, "Thou shall spend the rest of your days sliding on your bellies and eating fish and though shalt collect dark matter, like fluff on your smartest pair of trousers. And there's no lint remover for dark matter. Muhauhauahuahaaaa." although this was not documented very well, and he whole story came out with something to do with a snake, and nothing to do with penguins, or dark matter.


Behold! God was true to his word, and cast penguins down among the humans.

Anyway, Penguins did used to be a brilliant white, that would glow in the darkest of nights, but as they were now tarnished with deep throat techniques and fishy banana, their uncleanness attracted dark matter that stuck to them, and it just wouldn't come off. After a few years the dark matter covered much of the penguin angels, and they became slow walkers, and could no longer fly.


On this Penguin, you can clearly see the speckling of dark matter upon the penguin's chest.

The penguins, on the whole, were outraged. Devastated that they could no longer fly like angels, or like anything else that can fly for that matter. Due to the dark matter they also had trouble moving on land, due to their incredible weight. However, one bright spark, a scientist penguin, discovered that they could slide on their stomachs due to dark matter rendering a surface temporarily frictionless while in contact with it. Here is a picture of the first test run by Gabrielle Heyzeus, the forefather of the penguin's scientific community.


Gabrielle Heyzeus takes the first 'Dark Matter slide' for penguinkind. The water was nearby to slow him down.

Well all the penguins were overjoyed, and they pretty much were satisfied. You see, the masses were stupid. Singularly, each one was a descendant of an angel, and could probably still control their fearsome powers, even if God had bound them somewhat. However in a group, their minds became dull and listless.
Many penguins were slowly going mad, their brains shutting down as the became almost zombie-like in their movements. The constant weariness of weighing several thousand tonnes was slowly but surely getting to them.


This Penguin only nipped out for some fish. 124 hours later, no sleep, and only 9 metres travelled, this penguin realises it is completely lost.

However, the more, shall we say, militant end of the penguin social scale were not standing around and zoning out. They were training themselves to be killers, and damn good ones at that. For reasons unknown, the soldier penguins were affected differently to the other penguins. Maybe it was because the soldiers knew the mental anguish of having to deal with life and death situations and knew how to adapt, maybe it was the fact that with their toned muscular bodies, they weren't affected so much with the complete demoralisation of being unable to move quickly or fly. Their greater stamina meant the weariness did not take hold in the same way.

Their training concentrated on death, from learning the universal nerve centres, to psychoanalytical mind tricks, the warrior penguins became fearsome indeed. They painted their faces, and practiced dark rituals. Over time the dark matter tainted their souls, and they became truly evil.


The leader of the evil penguin overlords clan (EPOC), Krawwb. He welcomed me as a stranger into his tribe, and took an incredible shine to me as an outsider. I later discovered he planned to murder me in my sleep. Being a ninja, I managed to escape with my life. Barely.

I wanted to travel to see this secretive tribe, and with many favours and careful planning for a number of months, I finally got to travel to one of the most remote places on the globe to meet these creatures.

I witnessed many things on my journey, many of which I had to sign a confidentiality agreement with the tribe so that I wouldn't disclose any of their true 'secrets'.
I was however allowed to take photos.


The mating ritual involves the female ripping out the male's throat, and then copulating with the corpse's twitching body. It's not pleasant. Naturally soldiers aren't allowed to copulate until 20 years minimum has been completed in 'The Service'. This also ensures that the fittest survive to procreate, even if they do die in the process.


Are these things evil or what?!? Even their school portraits look menacing.


This penguin threatened to kill me, using only a small pebble. I believed he had the capacity to do so, too.


This penguin delivered his 'Death Death Stabby Soliloquy' with beautiful finesse and eloquence.

However, they weren't all bad, and I did come across the odd friendly penguin in the tribe.


I got quite lost at one stage, luckily this friendly chap pointed me in the right direction.


Self proclaimed 'anime penguin' didn't get many chicks, as the fashion was to have it a lot shorter. It was unfortunate really, as he was a really nice guy.

So there you have it, a whole lot of history and explanation to confirm that yes, you could get a penguin to go to lightspeed, although for reasons Foss and Jeff hadn't realised.