It's Not All Sunshine And Sandwiches...

Tonight I had a lot to blog about. Various things at work today seemed very intreiging to think about, and rather than waste the company's time by thinking, I wrote them down on a piece of paper and went back to being the obedient drone.

Unfortunately I left the piece of paper on my desk in work, and now I can't remember any of the thoughts. If it's there tomorrow (those hungry office ferrets might have eaten them by then), I'll probably post those thoughts tomorrow evening.

Unfortunately, all I have for you now is a mildly interesting fact about milk:

As you decrease the fat in milk, the nutrients (protein, calcium, etc) go up.

Funnily enough, I actually know the reason why, but I'm not going to tell you! Ha!

Happy Valentine's Day!

Right, I've gotta go, I have comtempt to spread. :p

Letters to Viz

Letters to the Editor of VIZ but never published, apparently........

Hats off to the England cricketers for their achievements in the Ashes this summer, Which rightly earned Andrew 'Freddie' Flintoff BBC Sports personality of the Year. Winning a two-team tournament against a nation with a much smaller population once in every ten attempts, then never shutting up about it makes me proud to be British.
-Ben Hunt

The government tells us that we are eating too many pies and dying of heart disease, then in the next breath they're telling us we are living too long and there'll be no more pension money left for us. I wish they'd make their minds up.
-John

'Alton Towers - Where the magic never ends', or so the commercial says. Imagine my disappointment when it closed at 7.30pm.
-Colum Hill

I am married to a Taiwanese lady, and people often ask me if she was a mail-order bride. I find this very insensitive. The Royal Mail loose around 2 million letters and parcels each year, and to suggest that I would trust the delivery of my wife to them is insulting in the extreme. She was sent by DHL next day delivery.
-L Palmer, London

The record companies would have us believe that the money made by CD pirates goes to fund the drug industry. But the money rock stars make from legal record sales ends up in exactly the same place. When they stop breaking the law, so will I.
-P Boddington, Ringway

Peter Andre might look smug in all his wedding pictures, but I'd just like to remind him that, as a Playboy reader, I have seen his wife's m!nge, He hasn't seen my wife's, so who's had the last laugh?
-P, Leeds

It really annoys me to see these suicide bombers blowing up people as well as themselves. In my day, suicide was done in a more dignified way, such as slicing your wrists in the bath, or hanging yourself from a door with a belt.
-Paul Mulraney, Belfast

Did anyone else feel that Mel Gibson's remake of the classic Life of Brian wasn't anywhere near as funny as the original?
-Anonymous

On the BBC website, I read with interest that some scientists in Australia have discovered the smallest fish known to exist. They've obviously never been to the Britannia Chippy on the Gloucester Road.
-Alan J., London

Hats off to the American police. They arrive at Michael Jackson's Neverland ranch to arrest him a mere six months after he admits climbing into bed with young boys on worldwide TV. Perhaps they should get some faster cars.
-T Barnham, London

COULD the Home Secretary explain to me how biometric checks on iris patterns and fingerprints are going to help keep tabs on muslim cleric, Abu Hamsa.
-Les Barnsley

HOW come rap artist Dr. Dre can use the 'N' word on his multi-million selling albums and win a MOBO award, yet when I used it at my son's footbal match I was asked to leave the park? Once again, it's one law for the rich and another for the poor.
-Reg Ashcroft, Bradford

Never mind ventriloquists like Keith Harris and Roger DeCourcey. What about Professor Stephen Hawking? I saw him on telly blathering on about galaxies for hours and I never saw his lips move once. Genius.
-Mike Woods, e-mail

With reference to that series "Manhunt" where ex-Special Forces soldiers try to hunt down Andy McNab. Why don't the producers include a couple of Iraqis in the hunting team? They found the tw*t quickly enough the last time he played hide and seek with them.
-Shuggie, Email

Hats off to the witty burglars who stole my entire CD collection with the exception of "There is Nothing Left to Lose" by the Foo Fighters.
I hope that when sentencing, the judge takes into account their splendid sense of humour.
-Chris Scaife, Jesmond

I see on the news that Lord Hutton says he is "satisfied that David Kelly took his own life". He may not have liked Dr Kelly that much, but isn't this taking gloating just a little too far?
-Dave Owen, Edinburgh

I was extremely saddened to hear of Richard Whiteley's recent death.
But I was cheered to imagine his life support machine making the famous Countdown "da-da, da-da, da-da-da-da! Booooooo!" sound as he took his final breaths.
-Tripod, email

I never worry about the destination when I'm going on holiday. My dad is Iranian and my mum is Irish, so I spend most of the time in customs.
-Stan

To the person/s who scratched the word "wanker's" into the roof of my car- I would like to point out that the car is infact MINE and not YOURS.
-Anonymous

Is There A Terrorist Living On Your Street?

Ok, well I'm opening a whole can of worms here, but quite frankly, I'm sick of hearing about current affairs. In actual fact, I didn't open the can of worms, George W Bush did. It's his fault, so if you're annoyed at anything I'm about to write, then please write to Mr Bush with your complaints at:

Mr George W Bush Jr.
The White House
1600 Pennsylvania Avenue NW
Washington, DC 20500

Thanks.

Right, back to the task at hand. Terrorists, Muslims, Extremists, Arabs, call em what you will, they're pissing me off. I know that this may be a socially delicate topic, but fuckit, I'm gonna get straight to the point. Now I'm not a racist, although I am white. Being white in itself would seem like a fine reason for certain extremists to bomb my house. You may think that I'm exaggerating, and I am, in a way, but everything I say is my opinion of the truth.

Now it is a terrible sterotype that Arabs and Muslims are extremists and or terrorists, and I know that for the large part this is untrue. However, you do have to admit that there certainly seem to be a lot more nutters belonging to the Muslim religion than any other. You don't hear about Buddhists or Hindus going mad over the white devil and his antics do you? How often do Rastafarians or Confuscianists declare "Death to France!"???

You may know what I'm talking about now. Yes, it's this.



When I first saw this, I did think it was quite a bad racial slur, and I couldn't believe that this was printed in a Danish newspaper back in September 2005. However, upon reading this article on the BBC News website, I'm beginning to think that the cartoon may be correct after all.

Naturally, the Islamic world is not happy with this cartoon strip. However, instead of just condemming the cartoon and what it represents, in all their sanity and non-fanaticalism, many Muslims protestors have decided to go crazy-eight on everybody, including themselves. Rather than write loads about this, I'll just include quotes from the BBC article, with my own comments beneath. I'll also include a few photos that I have yoinked from the BBC.



The background is that September last year, the picture was released by a Danish Newspaper. Less than a month later, Muslim Ambassadors complain to the Danish Prime Minister. In early January a Norweigian publication printed the picture. Then on January 30th Gunmen raided the EU's offices in Gaza, demanding an apology, which they got from the Danish paper a day later. France, Spain, Germany and Italy print the picture the following day, assumedly as part of news articles relating to the gunmen in Gaza. On February 4th 2006, Syrians in Damascus attack the Danish and Norweigian Embassies. The day before yesterday, more protestors in Beirut ransack and burn the Danish Embassy, completely gutting the building.


Workers of the Embassy rummage and stuff, after it was torched by protestors.

"Two people died when protesters turned on the American airbase at Bagram, even though the US has had no involvement in the cartoons' publication."

- If you ask me, this just says it all really. Kill the White Devil Oppressors. Dirka Dirka.



At least 5 people have been killed in relation to protests so far. There have been some peaceful protests, but as usual many Muslims appear to be lacking somewhat in self control. Many protests saw participants throwing rocks and stones at embassies, and in one in particular a shootout with police left 2 protestors dead, and 6 policemen were injured.

"In Bagram district, a peaceful protest in the morning turned violent when around 300 'bandits and gangsters' tried to enter the US base"

- What exactly does "Bandits and Gangsters" mean? Were they just waiting for an opportunity to storm the US base and get themselves shot? Who verified that this 300 were gangsters and bandits? Where did they all suddenly appear from? Were they definately not protestors that worked themselves into such a crazy that they demanded the blood of the Westerners? And by storming the US base surely this displays the fact that they are not only angry, but stupid also? Whilst you can't blame them for wanting to kill some Americans after everything that's happened over the past few years, but I mean, comeon, if you must storm a US base, you should at the very least suspect that you'll probably get shot, right?

"In the port city of Bosaso, in the autonomous Somali region of Puntland, police shot dead one protester and three more were injured after demonstrators threw stones and barricaded streets outside international aid agency buildings."

- Well this is just ridiculous. Why attack the very people who have left their own countries to go and help people? Especially when they are helping your people? You resort to attacking these people because of the colour of their skin, and has nothing to to with the merit of their actions, which makes you no better than the average racist bigot.

"They want to test our feelings," protester Mawli Abdul Qahar Abu Israra told the BBC. "They want to know whether Muslims are extremists or not. Death to them and to their newspapers," he said."

- My point made exactly.

"Demonstrators shouted "death to Denmark" and "death to France", and called for diplomats and soldiers from both countries to be kicked out of Afghanistan."

-Ok, so far, these protestors has displayed violence, stupidity, and now they show how much they really know of the situation they are in the middle of. France has long been a strong supporter of the Arabic countries when it comes to the US and their 'reign of terror', so I won't get into that now. Needless to say, I have even less support for the US, who as Osama Bin Laden put it so well himself, “he moved the tyranny and suppression of freedom to his own country, and they called it the Patriot Act under the disguise of fighting terrorism.” - However that discussion is for another time.



I'd like to apologise to any Muslims and Arabs who may read this, and aren't crazy terrorists. I know obviously that every one of you aren't crazed murderous suicide bombers, but the very people trying to defend themselves against this cartoon, are only seeming to prove the cartoon right. However, in all true honesty, it's not just about Muslims. I am of the strong opinion that a great deal of the world's problems could be dealt with quickly by ridding the world of religion. Look back through history and there seems to be one main link between all of the instances of genocide and war; Religion.



A basic Google search will tell you all about the many instances of religious genocide, all across the world. Barring Buddhism, nearly all religions seem to have gone through a phase of persecuting and killing non-believers, and more than one is still at it! However, that's another story.



In short, my overall point is to these Zealots, not your average Muslim or Arab on the street (unless of course they are one of the aforementioned Zealots). By kicking off everytime you don't like something, you only make yourselves look like murderous fools. I'm not particularly happy with the state of my own Government or it's Allies', but going on a religious rampage of death is just not the answer. You're only giving yourselves, and the less crazy among your religion a terrible name.



And as your your average Muslim over here, stop being so bloody pig headed. We know you're not all terrorists/Extremists/Evil Nazils from the future/whatever, but shoving your religion down our throats is also not the right way to go about things. We don't demand to build Churches in your country (any more) do we? English people in Arab countries don't demand that you build Christian only schools, yet you demand muslim only schools. Surely this just increases the segregation?

You have to realise that you are in our Country, and we have our own religions and traditions. You demand we respect your views and requirements according to your religion (and our spineless politicians in the age of Political-Correctness give it all up, plus more), but at the same time you completely ignore the things that we believe in.


Where the hell are they getting these flags from?!?

If everyone would stop being so suspicious and racist, then we could all get along a lot better. I don't mean to offend people, but the whole situation is stupid.

The Ninja News at Nine.....

Dear peoples of the Intaweb, rejoice, for I bring you another post. In my customary style of laziness and due to me having about as much motivation as a dead slug, I have not posted for ages, and yet now I bestow upon you a whopper. “Not again” I hear some of you gasp, but I promise that this time I’ll go slow and gentle, and there will be no ripping or screaming.

Ok, maybe a little screaming.

Anyhoo, A lot has happened since I last posted any content relating to me (It’s been about 4 weeks I think), including, Christmas, New Year, January, and various drinking sessions. I won’t post about Christmas or New Year yet, because it’s just too close to the date. I might wait till June or something. Keep you lot on those pink stubbs you call your toes. Only joking, it’s really just because they have a lot of photos, and I’ll have to format and edit them, and it’ll take too long, and this post would be even more huge than it’s already going to be.

Last week I was back in work after a nice four day break, but I only had 2 days leave. Because I was off sick for 2 days prior, it feels like I’ve just had a nice big holiday, not just 2 days plus a weekend. I am happy to say that in this ‘weekend’ I’ve achieved the following:

~ I got more ‘slobbing around’ in than I’ve managed in the previous month I think.
~ I got drunk more times than in the last 2 months combined.
~ I chatted up more women in this weekend than I’ve managed in the past 6 months.
~ I’ve got less sleep than….ummm… I normally do. :p

I went out on Wednesday night to the Quay club, for a spot of Jelly Jazz. I went there with Si and a friend of his called Jess.


Meet Jess. Mmmmm... Sepia.... great, innit? :p

The Quay Club was absolutely dead, you’d have gotten a better reception by offering free aenimas with every entry. However, the three of us pretty much sat at one table all night, and got plastered.


Si, doing his usual Pirate impression.

I myself was shitfaced come the end of the night, which is strange, cos at 1:40am I remember looking at my phone for the time, but lo and behold, 20 minutes I was fecked, with no memory of how I got home or anything!.

Turns out that a friend of Jess’ who works in the Quay Club came and joined our table about the same time I lost my memory. Coincidence? Nope, just the extra effects of Stella Artois: Reassuringly Twatted.


Yarrrrrrrrrrrrr!

It also turns out that I got a taxi back with her, cos she lives not far from my house. I don’t remember this either. Coincidence? Maybe. However I woke up alone, with no signs of a struggle.


Spooky lights. Mind you, the phonecam was in 'negative' mode.

Jess is pretty hot, and plays bass in a band. I remember her saying that she was looking to form a band, and I’m looking to be in one, so I got her number. I’ll call it sometime this week I think.



Laura, my housemate has to get up at some ungodly hour like 5-6am to get to work for her early shift. She said she thought that I had gotten lucky and not returned that night when she passed my bedroom with it’s wide open door. But then she realised that I was somewhere under the scrunched up duvet, and actually that lump was me. All the lights in the house were on and both my housemates feared a horror scene of vomit and destruction in the bathroom (we won’t go into it, but we’ll just say that there has been the odd occasion when Tasmanian Ryan has stormed round the house drunk, accidentally wrecking things, and then puked in the bath, pulled the shower screen off the wall and then gone to bed). They were understandably pleased when they realised that not a speck (lump?) of vomit was waiting for them, anywhere in the house.

When Nate got up a couple of hours later, he said he could hear me snoring in my room. He was mystified about the state of my desk which looked like I was about to eat something, but was too drunk, and so I went to bed instead. More of a mystery was the fact that his chair in our ‘office’ was completely wet. Not just damp, but soaking. I couldn’t figure out why – it wasn’t piss, and it wasn’t milk, of which there was a plastic bottle half full on my desk. What had got Nate’s chair so wet? It remains a mystery to this day.


Rrrraaaaaggghhhhhh! Need I say more?

On Thursday, naturally, I was more than a little hung over. However, I had to get up cos I had a dentist appointment. My teeth are all in good condition (I only have one filling), but I do have the tiniest bit of gum disease on my lower gum, where tartar had build up on my teeth. I’d never flossed a day in my life before then, I thought it was for Americans in films personally. Turns out that it’s good for your teeth, and stuff. So now, I’m flossing, and brushing extra carefully, and I think it’s nearly gone away now.

Friday, I still felt hungover from Wednesday night! I got a new game for my PC called The Movies. It’s like The Sims in that you create a movie lot, with various sets, and actors and stuff like that. However the game also has a movie making feature, so that you can make a movie to your own specifications, and even write the script and do the voice overs and post production! However, as you start the game in the 1920s era, you have to play the game before you can make any movies with later technology and props, etc, etc. So… I started to play….

It’s incredibly addictive. I’ve played the game for about 4 days now, and I still haven’t made a movie, cos I can’t stop playing the sims side of it! It’s so incredibly addictive that as I’m writing this, I’m considering abandoning these musings, so I can go and play now, for example! I meant to go out on Friday night, but I was really hung over, and I couldn’t get hold of the people I was supposed to be meeting, so… I played The movies till about 4am. I was up again at 7am. I don’t know what it was that caused me to wake up then, but I just couldn’t get back to sleep, so… I got up, and played The Movies.


Just a random photo to keep you interested....

Roll on Saturday evening, and I simply had to stop playing the cursed game, because I was due to go out, and this time, I knew exactly where everybody was, and there was contact all round, so I had no excuses either. I didn’t really wanna go out (I wanted to stay in and… you guessed it, play some more!) but I kinda had to, as Mike, my ex flatmate and colleague was down from Birmingham to grace us with his presence. And to pick up some stuff he left here when he moved from Plymouth.

So, armed with my LED belt I went out on the beers. As we were shifting pubs I was stood at the entrance talking to my mate, 3 hot women walked past me, and each one gave me the eye. At first I thought there must be someone stood behind me, or I had a kitten on my head or something, so I checked and there was neither. My mate also noticed the girls giving me the eye, so I guess it could have been mass hallucination….

Anyway, they were hawt, and the one I got the biggest smile from was the hottest woman I’ve ever seen. I swear it. She was hotter than all my Ex girlfriends rolled into one. If we hadn’t been leaving the pub and moving to the next, I would have hunted her down like a rabid dog and made her worship me. Yes.

However, please bear in mind, that you have to be gorgeous to be branded ‘hot’ by me. I’m picky hugely above my station. I’m not sure I’ve EVER been out with an ugly girl (as per others, not just me), which is saying something. To be honest, I’d rather go without, and more often than not, I do. So although I’ve run a strictly no monsters policy when it comes to my love life, I also spend long periods of time single. The latest has been almost 4 years now, which is pathetic. Single for four years sounds pathetic, but then I’ve NEVER been with a monster. Can YOU say as much?

So… the beer was flowing freely, and the confidence was on the rise too. Please note, that wasn’t a euphemism. We went to a couple of more pubs, and then headed to a bar called Cuba. I personally wanted to go into Ride (which is next door) because as we arrived, the place was blasting out Vicious Battle Raps by DJ Format. However, Cuba was on the Menu, and that’s where we were going, despite my pleas.

By this point I was shitfaced.


See?

Before I continue, I’d better first explain my drinking habits. Like the throttle on my motorbike there are 2 scenarios; on and off. There is no in between. I’m either accelerating very quickly, or I’m stopping (as quickly as I can!). It’s the same with drinkning – all or nothing. I tend not to drink on a social level.

For example, I don’t drink at home, and I never ever just nip to the pub for ‘a quick pint’. The only time I really drink is when I go out. And then I put in 100% effort. So on the whole, I go from a ‘bit drunk’ to ‘shitfaced’. There’s very rarely a ‘merry’ or ‘quite drunk’ stage. Although there is a ‘completely shitfaced’.

This can occur anywhere between 11pm and 2am, and is usually the last time I will be seen on a night out. This is because when I am ‘Completely Shifaced’, I lose all memory (and control?) of what I’m doing, and my body will then walk itself home, usually via somewhere that sells chicken of some variety.

Sometimes, when I'm getting quite wasted, and having particular fun, my body will want to leave, but I'll still have enough power to make the decisions, so I'll stop it, and we'll stay for more drinks. Often when this happens, body will sit back and wait for the inevitable time when I'm not paying attention, and before I'll know it I'll be halfway home, chomping on a chicken burger.

It can get annoying, but what can I do? It's my defence mechanism! My body just decides it’s had enough toxin ingestion (alcohol is actually a toxin, we’ve just built up an immunity to it), and it takes me home, it’s really quite useful!


Another Random Photo. I don't half go on, don't I?

So, In Cuba (the bar, not the place, remember?), I’m starting to reach 'completely shitfaced'. It was time for the belt to come out. This thing holds 255 letters per message, and you can have 6. I programmed in a couple of messages. The LEDs on the belt are so bright that in a low light, they almost burn your retinas. Perfect. I got lots of funny looks whilst wearing that belt. Mind you, I did have “WILL ROMANCE FOR HEAD” and “HE LOVES THE COCK --> --> -->” The belt went down a treat, although I’m not sure women liked the messages much, and don’t think the guys I was standing next to liked the latter either...!

Then strangely, someone I was with bumped into someone I used to know when I used to be an ice skating genius, I tell thee (and I tried again last year – I’ve still got it!). Scott knows her through her brother. So I sautered over and joined that conversation! She was called Becky, and Becky was well hot too, and cos I knew her prior, I knew it wasn’t just the beer!

So I chatted to Becky for a while, and we reminisced about all sorts of things. Then I think I must have reached completely shitfaced, cos I then declared that I was going home. She asked why, and I said that all my mates had left. Turns out the bastards were just somewhere else in Cuba, but I didn’t know that, and body was determined it was going home.
So I mumbled something embarrassing about being in there next week and hoping to see her then, and I went home, without passing a chicken establishment.

I got home, and Nate was still up. I chatted loudly at him, as I was having trouble controlling the level of my voice. I think Laura was in bed, but luckily, she sleeps through anything. I don’t remember what Nate was doing, but he might have been playing The Movies too. So I thought it would be a good time to play too. Nate went to bed after a while, and I continued to play. The sun came up, and most of the beer wore off before I noticed the time. 7:40am. Hmmm…. What to do now? It was Sunday morning. I knew that if I went to bed, then I would sleep until at least midday, and then I’d have lost half of my Sunday, and I’d never sleep that night, so being a bit drunk still, I decided to stay up. So I watched Jarhead, the film with the dude from Donnie Darko in it. I was stunned by the film. Despite the fact I was knackered and slightly drunk, I loved the film. I can’t wait till it comes out on DVD, it’ll be a good film on the projector, with DTS sound blasting out at me.

I pretty much sat at my desk until 12:30am Monday morning, when I finally got myself to bed, after 41 hours of continuous awakeness. I worked out earlier, that in approximately 53 hours, I slept for three. “Not bad” I thought, “there’s efficient usage of time for you.”

So now I'm back at work, and having usual grief and disatisfaction, although it is possible things are on the up. I just need to make sure I have lots of drinking buddies to go to Cuba with me!

Any takers?

Football - The Offside Rule Explained For Ladies

Or 'Soccer' to our American cousins...


You're in a shoe shop, second in the queue for the till. Behind the shop assistant on the till is a pair of shoes which you have seen and which you must have.

The female shopper in front of you has seen them also and is eyeing them with desire.

Both of you have forgotten your purses.

It would be totally rude to push in front of the first woman if you had no money to pay for the shoes.

The shop assistant remains at the till waiting.

Your friend is trying on another pair of shoes at the back of the shop and sees your dilemma. She prepares to throw her purse to you.

If she does so, you can catch the purse, then walk round the other shopper and buy the shoes.

At a pinch she could throw the purse ahead of the other shopper and, whilst it is in flight you could nip around the other shopper, catch the purse and buy the shoes, always remembering that until the purse had actually been thrown it would be just plain wrong to push in front of the other shopper.

Understand it now?


PS - Sorry for the complete lack of updates as of late, life has had it's ups and downs, and more 'downs' have meant the motivation has been lacking somewhat. You could say a dead sloth would have got more done, and you'd be right.
Still, it's almost the weekend, and I have a monster sized post to deliver, with lots of news.