When you're single, valentine's day and your birthday within the space of 3 weeks can be a lot to handle. Especially if like me, you're feeling a bit lost anyway. What's most annoying is there is someone who I wish would return my feelings, but she's smitten with someone else. Ahh, love triangles.
See my problem is that I'm really picky. Massively so, much more than I can really afford to be. I hate stupidy, I don't suffer it well, and it annoys the living hell out of me. I'm sorry, but thick people just get on my tits. I value intelligent conversation, and not feeling like you have to be making some form of small talk. I like to be able to have fun with the female of choice, and be able to relax around her and just be myself. Someone with a questionable sense of humour would suit me perfect. This isn't my only stipulation though. I have to actually fancy the girl too, would you believe?!? I'm not the sort of person who will just go and sleep with someone for the sake of it, or as someone once said to me, "Until someone better comes along".
It really gets me down. I want to be shallow. I want to enforce the motto that 'any hole's a goal', but I just can't. I've done it once or twice, but I hated pretending that I fancied them, when I didn't. It's weird, because put me in trouble and I'd try an lie my way out all the way, but with an emotional situation it's totally different. I didn't have the best of upbringings, and it's left me a little bit broken. Not too much, and it's not really noticable, but I know it's there. I'm emotionally weak, and I don't have a lot of spirit there.
I'll explain. When I'm with a group of people, I'm fine. I'll often be the loudest, most outgoing one in the group. I'm on prime form, and my wit couldn't be sharper. I might get talking to one of the ladies, and try and woo her with my charms. However, the problems come when I have to try and pull a woman when I'm out with just one or two other mates, usually male.
Now the rules are that if I don't fancy the girl, I won't make any effort to try and pull her, because I won't want to get with her. It's sad, but I'd rather go without. However, if I do like the girl, then I become incredibly shy, and quite often I'll avoid eye contact completely. I'm positive that I give off signals that I'm blatently not interested, cos I never pull women I've never met before. This isn't too bad, cos although this possibly means I'm ugly, it also means that I probably have a nice personality that makes people like me.
Now the problem arises, as usual (only joking!), all because of a female! We'll call her Leane. It might be her name, it might not. From the moment I met Leane, I was amazed by her. My first impressions was that she was B-E-A-Utiful. Petite, tanned skin, dark brown hair that complemented her greenish grey eyes. And yes, I did notice all this the first time, she's not the sort of person you forget meeting! I met her when I was living at my old place, and she came round to look at the flat I was living in. The best thing was that she was new in the town, and knew absolutely nobody! Unfortunately, she didn't move in, cos my ugly female flatmate (one of 3 and the other one was on holiday) vito'd my decision to let her move in. Not suprising really, as Leane made her look like an inflatable picasso artpiece.
So anyway, I phone this 'Leane' girl, and tell her that I'm sorry, but she can't move in. Then I hang up. Then five minutes later, I phone her back up, and ask her for drinks. She hesitates, then agrees. Joy! Now let me get this straight - I never do stuff like this normally. I'm just way too scared of rejection. The only thing that made a difference this time was a voice in my head saying "Hey, but she doesn't know ANYBODY, who cares if you make a fool of yourself over the phone?". And it paid off. Sorta.
We started going out for beers and stuff, being gym buddies, going ice-skating at the rink they put up outdoors in the city centre over Christmas, taking her out for lunch to country pubs on the back of my motorcycle, and stuff like that. Getting along really well, or so I thought. I seemed to be charming her sufficiently, and I was pleased, because not only was she gorgeous, she was fun to talk to, she made me feel at ease, and I actually enjoyed spending time with her, which was the most important thing, and unusual. I don't meet many women, and ones I get along well with are even rarer. When I'd think about her, I wouldn't think about how she looked, just how she was. It was really strange. But every time I'd see her, my heart would kinda skip a beat, and I'd be genuinely suprised by her beauty. And such pretty eyes...
Well, the long and short of it is that somehow I lost her. She told me that she had just gotten out of a relationship which ended because she'd moved to my town, away from hers, and she wasn't ready for another one. Although she'd tell me this, we'd still cuddle when we watched films, and I'd occasionally give her a backrub, and it would seem like we were more than friends. She was honest, and did say that we wouldn't get together, but I was still hopeful.
I find out though that there was someone she wanted though, and I guess that's why I didn't get a look in. But it is so hard because it seems like we were ment to be together. The amount of coincidence around us is a bit weird. Amoung ather things are:
-If she had moved in, she would have replace someone with the same name as her.
-My name is not a massively common name, but her ex boyfriend has the same name as me.
-Her new boyfriend has the same name as my middle name.
I'm probably grasping at straws with this, but it seems like coincidence to me! However, she's so great, and I'm so smitten, it really pains me that I can't be with her. I know, if I'm honest with myself, that I'm not good good enough for her anyway, and I come to the realisation that maybe I was wrong about my personality after all. Maybe I'm not a fun person to be around, and if I haven't got that, then I'm only left with my looks, and they don't seem to have ever helped much.
The worst thing about the whole situation is that I seem to love torturing myself about it. I want to be in her company, but every time it reminds me of what is just out of my reach; someone like her. And then I start thinking about it, and it makes me a bit sad, and I tend to be a bit quiet and subdued after that, which isn't how ou want to be when you're trying to get people to like you.
Most of this is written in past tense, because although I still see her, the times in between are becoming longer. She's becoming more involved with her other half (who, ironically, lives in the same town as her ex, who she split up with because she moved here), and I'm losing/lost her. I've distanced her a bit from me recently too. I used to tell her things, things that I wouldn't have told anyone (until I set this up!). This made me feel a lot closer to her than I actually was, because I don't even tell my close friends a lot of things. I'm a bottler. I bottle up the emotions, everything, and hide it away. Instead, I display a bubbly outgoing witty guy without a care in the world. It's my defence mechanism. Let nobody close, and no harm can come. It had been crumbling when I was around her, and I was fooling myself.
I don't know why she wanted to hang around with me, I cannot understand what she got from the equation. Even more so with the other guy lurking in the background that whole time. The only reason I can think of is that she felt sorry for me. I dont think it was that though, as although I told her things, I wasn't as frank as I'm being now. Oh, and for the Americans, my name is not Frank.
Anyway, it's my birtday in less than an hour, and recently I've been feeling so despondent that I've really not been in the mood to think or talk about my birthday. So I haven't told anyone, and nobody's remembered, so I'm gonna go about my business and treat it as a normal day. Which means I should probably go to bed, as I've gotta go to work tomorrow.
I hope you're all having a better year than I am.
An 18-year-old US student is today behind bars after police uncovered his plot to raise a zombie army and attack his high school. The wannabe Papa Doc Duvalier's chilling plan was uncovered after the youth's grandparents discovered his written proposal for the outrage in Winchester, Kentucky, lex18.com reports. 
3 Comments:
I think the Yamaha looks sexier, oh yes. But they look pretty similar to my untrained eye.
So you had a good time in the land of the bullslayers? Yes? Excellent.
I like the Yamaha too. Also, as the first 3 digits of my personal number plate are R666, I think that that is a good plate for a Yamaha R6...
And yes, there was much funstuffs to be had in the land of the bullslayers. I got hold of the photos today, so I'll write the post over the weekend...
Hi, what's up! This is Carlos! Glad to hear your holidays ended up well.
I like the site. It's pretty cool.
Well, I've gotta go now. Say Hello to Craig and take care guys.
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