A Stand Up Kind Of Guy

I don't know about you, but I've had like thirty boners today.

It's really annoying, because my legs also ache badly, meaning I need to go up and have a walk around the office. Which I cannot do whilst sporting a great lob-on.

Despite the fact that the back of my legs (by the knees) ache so bad that I feel desperate to walk around, more often than not I find I have to sit for longer than I want, while my incredible willpower forces the unwelcome woody down.

There doesn't seem to be any cause for the bonerisms - I'm not on a bus, there's no hot women showing their underwear (with or without their knowledge), there's no emails lined with Doublé Entrés, no fantastic clevage shots, no naked neighbours, nada. I don't know what to attribute the swelling to, other than a mind of it's own.

Still, I won't be complaining too much when I get home and treat myself to porn.

Ah porn. You're never alone with porn.

Need An Excuse To Get Off Work?

There used to be a guy in my office called Nick. He coached a Rugby team, and lived over hour's drive from the office. I think he hated this place more than I do, and for that, and his fantastic excuses, I salute you, Nick!

Here are Nick's Excuses (compiled by a colleague of his)for not coming in on a Monday Morning:

1. Poison knee.

2. Grommets fell out of sons ears.

3. Wife fell down stairs.

4. Nick fell down stairs.

5. Grommets fitted back in ears.

6. Daughter fell down stairs.

7. Furniture delivery on Monday which was not planned or known about the previous Friday.

8. The roof leaked.

9. The windows leaked.

10. The wall fell down.

11. A murder was committed up the lane over the weekend, and he had to stay at home Monday, in case the Police wanted to interview him.

12. Son fell down the stairs.

13. Lights flickering on dash board.

14. Noticed cat was in the car as he got to the outskirts of Plymouth, so had to turn round and take it home.

15. Exhaust fell off.

16. Swollen knees.

17. Sister in law in a state, due to divorce.

18. Cattle broken out of neighboring field.

19. Next door neighbour got burgled over the weekend.

20. Wife away, have to look after kids.

21. Took son to hospital.

22. Took wife to hospital.

23. Picked son up from hospital.

24. Snowed in. (It’s June, Nick)

25. Car wouldn’t start.

26. Got wife’s car, and that wouldn’t start.

27. Doctors appointment.

28. Car in for service.

29. Rugby player died, had to attend funeral - but didn’t know about the death, until the day of the funeral - on a Monday of course.

30. House flooded.

31. Daughter hurt her back, had to take her to the doctors.

32. Flu.

33. Burst pipe.

34. Icy drive.

35. Delivery of building material.

36. School holiday - couldn’t get a babysitter

37. “I thought I’d booked this day off” (?)

38. Working in Pool (when we had an office there)

39. Mother-in-law in hospital.

40. Funeral - no one in particular.

41. Put out back while ironing. (!!!)

42. “Been away for weekend in Gloucester, and left phone there. Will be late in, as I have to go and pick it up.” 26/11/01. (? No postal service?)

43. Passed out at a sports event on the Sunday (14/7/02), and didn’t feel well enough to drive up on the Monday; so worked from home. (? Without a PC??!) However, left early on the Tuesday to go doctors.

44. 7/1/03 – scaffolding fell through the windscreen of his car, needs day off to sort it out.

Drunken Fun

Jimbo, my old housemate is down from Ipswich at the moment with his girfriend Sarah. We went out last night. I got pretty damn drunk. I think everyone else did too, but I was too drunk to notice. I don't remember leaving, or how I got home, my bedroom carpet is wet, and although my arm has the slightest of marks on it, it hurts like a motherfucker.

I guess I had a good night. Here are the photos.


Nate's on the right, I'm in the middle, and some random dude is on the left. This was taken in the giant mirror in the stairwell of Vodka revolution. They sell Vodka, in something like 30 flavours.


This thing was evil. It cost £35, and didn't have any soft drinks in it at all. I don't even remember what was in it, other than a whole shitload of vodka, and champagne. There was even some champagne left in the bottle, which was devoured fairly swiftly.


See? Apparently, Laura likes Champagne....


...As does Nate.


James and Sarah.


We were drunk....


...Boy, were we drunk....


...Which would explain all the blurry shots, and we were using my phone's camera....


...But look at Nate's Head! Weird!


I'm guessing this was right before I got REALLY drunk, cos this is the last photo.

Overall, a fun night. I didn't pull, as per usual, but I did dream about women all last night, which was nice. If I wasn't so hungover I would swear I'm still drunk. I can't type for shit right now anyway.

The Imaginatively Titled, 'I Hate Everything' Post.

I haven't had much of a moan for a while, so it's about time again. There's been too much funny stuff, and as everyone knows, comedians are often the most sad. When was the last time a comedian died of old age?
Anyway, I'm writing this because I'm in a particularly bad mood. I remember when I used to wake up and every day was a brand new day, and I'd feel great. Over the past 2 years though, more and more I've been waking up feeling shitty before the day has even begun.

It's mostly because it's my destiny to never get enough sleep, although it occurred to me this morning that I hate every single aspect of my life. I hate where I live and where I work. I hate my dramatic lack of friends, and the fact my life seems to be comprised of lots of small sections of things I hate, all running concurrently.

I hate being woken up every morning by either my flatmates, neighbours or chirruping birds. The birds and one of of my flatmates gets up at 5am, so that's usually when I first wake up, although if I'm not awake by 7 to 7:30am, my other flatmate wakes me up. Neither my flatmates or the birds mean to wake me up on purpose, but I'm a light sleeper, the walls are thin, and they're not too practiced in being silent.

Other things I hate are my chronic lack of a decent social life, the fact that all the shit stuff in my life drains my motivation to do anything with the time I could make good use out of, and the sorry state of affairs regarding what could very loosely be described as my love life. Come Christmas and I'll have been single for 4 years. It ain't gonna change anytime soon, as I've had all my 'chances'. I hate being reminded of all this by hearing my flatmates having sex in the next room.

I hate the fact despite earning nearly double the average wage for my city, I can't afford to buy a house that isn't a small crap flat or in a shit area. My disposable income (that's not disposable enough to buy a decent home) means that everyone takes me for a ride financially, my 'friends' included, simply because I'm too demotivated to remember properly who owes me what.

I hate myself, my insecurities, the weirdness that causes me to have limitless confidence around people, but zero confidence around women and in myself. I hate that the 'best years' of my twenties should have been spent being promiscuous, but that the number of girlfriends I've ever had, I can count on 2 hands, easily.

I hate being too old now to start a lot of the things I want to do. A lot are fitness related, but my body is now getting too old to start and get good at things like gymnastics, acrobatics and breakdancing. If I practice too much, I injure myself, although I'm careful, and then I have to wait months to heal. I hate that my personal goal of being able to do back handsprings will almost certainly never be achieved.

I hate that I am a perpetually uncomfortable person, and I hate that my body doesn't seem to be designed for sitting or lying down. I can't sit in a chair for more than 5 minutes without being deeply uncomfortable. I have to get up when I wake up usually, as despite having a very comfy bed, I'm still always uncomfortable in it. I hate that I have to sit down all day for my job, meaning that I spend most of my life suffering a mild form of uncomfortable agony. I hate my job, despite the pay.

I hate that I seem to be waiting for my life to pass me by, and that as a kid I had so many dreams and ambitions that have slowly been crushed from me, until all that's left is person plodding through life because he's too stubborn to end it, waiting for it to end itself so he can have another go.

I hate that I feel so crap all the time. I hate that I'm so selfish, constantly thinking about how crap my life is, when I have it easy compared to the millions of starving/war torn/diseased/victimised people all over the world. I hate that I can't get over all the little things that make me so much more lucky than others. I hate that feeling depressed is sort of comforting and familiar to me. I hate that I don't smile as much as I used to.

I hate the fact I hate everything, and I hate even more that I'm too powerless and demotivated to change anything.

Suddenly Everything Becomes Clear

A Letter to my (former) ISP - sorry about the length.

I would like to make an official complaint regarding many aspects of the service provided to me by Virgin.net Internet Service Provider.

Please note, before I start, that I have been a PC support technician for over 7 years, have completed multiple Microsoft and Cisco courses, and would regard myself to know a lot more than the average user (and even the average support tecchie).

I have recently moved house, and I signed up for DSL max with Virgin. Since it's inception, I have had nothing but trouble, from slow speeds to constant disconnections. Initially thought this was because of the first 10 days of the service, when BT tries to 'optimise' your service in order to get the best possible speeds. However, the speeds were very slow, and I noticed that the internet connection to the modem router itself was constantly timing out. Please note that this wasn't the connection from the router to the PC, but the actual connection from the telephone line to the Modem Router.

I waited a couple of days, tried a different router, rebuilt one of my PCs and tried different options for connecting to my modem router, but nothing made a difference. So I called the technical support line, at a cost to myself, despite the fact that the problem was not at my end. The technical support representative was rude and patronising, suggesting that my problem was caused by me somehow, and when I informed him of all the tests I had done, showing that it was neither the settings or my setup, he suggested that it was because I was still in the first ten days, and this was to be expected.

So I waited until the end of the ten days. I was still getting problems, and nothing I could do at my end would change this. Web pages would often take two or three attempts before loading, and speeds were very slow. The modem would show a connection of nearly 5000kbps, but download speeds would be lower than speeds expected from a 2mb connection. I spoke to customer services again, and was advised to reboot my modem router a couple of times a day.
This made zero difference.

I thought I would leave the connection for a couple of weeks to see how it got on. It does have to be said that things got faster, but I would still lose connection at the modem on a regular basis. I went through things again with a tech support guy, and confirmed that my settings were 100% correct, and everything at my end was double checked. Again, the help offered to me was poor, with the technician not knowing what to suggest other than rebooting my modem.

So, I finally became sick of having an internet connection that was so much trouble it really wasn't worth it. I signed up for Telewest, and since it was installed, I haven't looked back since.

My main complaints aren't really about the ISP or the level of service, it's also about support and cancellation policies that you run.
For example, whilst most companies offer a 30 day period with which you can cancel if you are unhappy. I personally thought this was demanded by trading standards, but I will be finding out for definite. However, when I came to cancel my service after only 25 days, I was told that this period was only 7 days.

Why is this only seven days, when it takes ten days to optimise your service if you are on DSL max? No user would ever be able to cancel in time, because the support representatives just tell you that your problems are down to the first ten days of service where optimisations are made.

Another complaint I'd like to make is the complete lack of accessibility if you're having problems. When I tried to sign up for virgin, I was getting a few problems with signing up (turned out to be a browser problem - I was on a Mac). I couldn't physically sign up, and I was unable to find any contact details for non-customers. Even the email contacts were for customers only, and required account names and numbers be entered. When I was finally a customer and couldn't get properly connected, I had no number to call other than the premium rate number, and obviously I couldn't use the internet to contact Virgin, because I was having problems with my connection.

I know it's all money in your pocket, but in under a month, I've had more problems than I've ever had from any other ISP in the last seven years, and far, far less helpful support. Now, as punishment for having a crap service, I have to pay an extra month's cost for broadband, and a £50 cancellation fee.

I feel this is wrong, and money grabbing. I understand that it's possible that the quality of my telephone line may have been a contributer to the terrible internet service I have suffered, but I am also deeply unhappy with the personal service I have received, and as far as I am concerned I am being punished because you cannot offer me a decent service.

I would like for the £75 to be returned to me please. It's unreasonable to offer a service that won't work properly for 10 days, but only a 7 day cancellation policy. That and the fact that if I had received reasonable service I wouldn't be canceling it.

I am deeply considering writing to Ofcom to complain as I feel cheated. However when I phoned to cancel, I asked for the address for your Governing body ( I believe it's Ofcom), I was told to write to a different Virgin office. I explained that I didn't want the address of a Virgin office, I wanted the Organisation that legislates the ISPs. I was informed that you do not keep details of this. This in itself is unacceptablele. I work for a utility company, and so I know how the process of complaining to the governing body works, and I know that you should not keep these details from customers.

I would appreciate it if someone could contact me confirming the receipt of my complaint, and if I can get the £75 back, I will be very happy.

Many Thanks

Ryaninja (I didn't sign it like this, obviously).