Tuesday, September 26, 2006

National Yemen Day!

In Yemen of course. Hooray for September 26th.

In celebration, here's a Jewish themed joke:

Did you hear about the blind circumsizer?

He got the sack.



Although it's not as good as another joke someone told me earlier:

Why did the baker have brown hands?

He kneaded a poo.

1 Comments:

Blogger Jeffer McJeff of the clan McJeff said...

I know a moyle who does cirmcumsions for free.

He only takes tips.

September 28, 2006 3:27 am  

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Thursday, September 21, 2006

ActionScript killed John Lennon.

It didn't really, I'm not entirely sure why I wrote that. I think it's because I've had little sleep, and I've been staring at a monitor screen for the majority of my waking hours over the last couple of days.

I'm still trying to do my site, and as per usual, I'm trying to do far too much for my first attempt. I'm currently drowing in actionscript. I do have to admit to you that I'm not really much of coder, instead prefering to dream up great ideas and then sit back do nothing, hoping the idea will just materialise.
Coding kind of makes me wanna remove people's fingers - it never quite works they way you expect it to (to start with at least), and the problem is usually something as basic as a missing semicolon that takes 4 hours to find.

Still, if I wanna make really funkeh websites, then I'll need to learn this, but man, is it a bitch. I wish there was a way to see all the actionscript on all the keyframes at once, cos I'm forever forgetting where I've put stuff.

I also have no idea when to use certain elements for navigation. To start with, I created everything in one big timeline, then as I got more content, I realised I should be creating scenes. So I did that, and came up against limitations, that after more research led me to believe the best way for me to navigate my site is by using seperate movies.

So I set this up, and now nothing quite works, again. I got everything working, so I added some animations for scene/movie transitions, and that broke everything again. So I then spent ages fixing it, and added a preloader. That shafted everything, and now I'm in a whole load of jumble, and I'm kind of lost inside my own flash file.

Arg! Actionscript didn't kill John Lennon, but it might kill me. Although this frigging beanbag isn't helping things either.

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Wednesday, September 20, 2006

Obviously Not A Real Ninja...

Athens(reuters) - A Greek bank robber armed with ninja throwing stars finally ran out of moves on Tuesday when police arrested him after an Athens bank robbery.
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Petros Onen, 49, had held up 11 small suburban bank branches making away with 50,000 euros (33,866 pounds) in recent months, threatening to throw his razor-sharp, palm-size stars -- made famous by the Japanese ninja warriors -- at cashiers, police said.

His luck ran out when undercover policemen at the last bank he robbed followed him home and arrested him with his loot, his throwing stars, a fake gun and a list of other bank branches.

All I can say is that if he was followed home, then he wasn't a real ninja. Unless he was acidentally wearing his LA Gear trainers, with the flashing lights in the heels.

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Monday, September 18, 2006

How to Become a Goverment Hitman

Does anybody know how to achieve this? It's a career path I've been thinking about for a while, only it's difficult getting my foot in the door.

Does anyone know anyone who could give me a job like this? Alternatively if the goverment (doesn't matter which one) needs a new contract killer, but doesn't want to pay premium rates for an experienced hitman, please hire me! I'd happily accept a junior hitman position, and training me up would be much cheaper than getting a guru in, like Leon.

Please contact me if you have any jobs for me. Lord knows I could do with the pay, the travel, and above all, the excitement.

I'm sure you know how to get hold of me.

5 Comments:

Blogger Tora said...

*throws another stabby shuriken*

DAMNIT!

WHY CAN'T I HIT YOU?

September 18, 2006 6:26 pm  
Blogger Tora said...

and, concerning that Hitman affair, I don't know if you are fit for the job you know, you might end up feeling bad and regret stuff and things.

J00 might not be able to handle the truth!

YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH!

September 18, 2006 6:28 pm  
Blogger Ryaninja said...

Muhauhauhauhaaaa! You'll never hit me! I'm far too cunning and elusive.

Curses. I really thought I could handle the truth. Dognammit, I really did!!!!

September 19, 2006 1:54 am  
Blogger Jeffer McJeff of the clan McJeff said...

Old high school friend of mine enlisted in the US Marine Corp. Turned out he was a very good shot. Was a riflery instructor and was approached by the government, as they were interested in offering him a sniper position. Have not heard from him since he told me this, so who knows.

September 19, 2006 5:00 pm  
Blogger Ryaninja said...

I know someone who has MOD rifle bullets in a locked cabinet in his house. I also know he used to enter rifle competitions. He never did tell me where he got those bullets from either. And the pack had been half used.....

Still, without becoming cannon fodder, I think becoming a governemt hitman would be quite difficult...

September 20, 2006 11:37 am  

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Monday, September 11, 2006

Today=Stuff.

I've had quite a good day today in terms of stuff.

It's not every day I go to get a cup of tea, and return to my desk One Hundred English Pounds richer, but today I did. If this happened every day, I'd be minted.

I went in town at lunchtime, and took back Prey, and got Test Drive Unlimited. As I said to Foss earlier:

"I’ve played the demo of TDU – you drive around an open ended world, and then challenge other people driving round online. It’s great for checking your testosterone levels, cos when someone goes speeding past you, your body pumps you full of it, and then you go “Right, I’m not having that, I must win!” and then burn off after him. If you then wanna make it official, you can challenge them to a race."

It was a toss up between this game and Dead Rising, but I've heard some bad things about the whole save system on Dead Rising, so I'll probably end up renting it instead.

What else do I have today? Well, I've bought a new Laptop, a Dell M1710. I'll post a full review in a couple of days, once I've done appropriate testing and picture taking. That should be arriving here in work at any moment. Why isn't it here yet, goddammit?

I've also taken delivery of my lapinator plus. It's not nearly as exciting as the laptop, or the xbox 360 game I've bought, but it is still mildly interesting, and will let me use my new laptop on my lap, without searing my balls, which is always a plus.

Tomorrow, I'm hoping to get my new mouse. Since I have a gaming laptop, I figured I probably

should have a gaming mouse too, so I've bought me a green Razer Copperhead. They're freaky sweet mice, apparently.

So I'm feeling a bit skint, but like they say, Money can't buy happiness. Actually, they're kinda right. It can't allow you to buy happiness, but it will allow you to rent it.

Like Clare Boothe Luce says, "Money can't buy happiness, but it can make you awfully comfortable while you're being miserable."

And finally, like I say, "Money Can't buy happiness, but it can buy you things that will make
you happy, like drugs, laptops, hookers and giant bean bags. "

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Thursday, September 07, 2006

The most interesting conversation I've had in work today

Me: Morning all.
All: Morning.
Me: I've got something to get your brain going this morning... name three fish that begin and end with the letter 'K'.
Mark: Ummmmm.....
Me: Got any yet?
Mark: Ummmmm.....
Me: Want me to tell you?
Mark: Alright then.
Me: Ok, number one - Killer Shark.
Mark: Of course. Number two?
Me: Number two - Kwik Save Smoked Haddock.
Mark: Okaaaay.... Number Three?
Me: Number three - Kilmarnock.
Mark: But Kilmarnock's a place...
...damn you.


Hahahaha! Suckers! :D

2 Comments:

Blogger Jeffer McJeff of the clan McJeff said...

Kock Suckerk starts and ends in K

September 08, 2006 2:43 pm  
Blogger Foss said...

I just looked at ryanrocks.co.uk. Although the links aren't there yet, the homepage looks amazing! Please hurry up and finish the site, I would very much like to see it. Yes.

And gief quality pie plx.

September 10, 2006 3:14 pm  

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Monday, September 04, 2006

"E's a whoppa, let's poke 'im with a steek..."



World famous wildlife warrior Steve Irwin has died in a freak accident on the Great Barrier Reef, killed by a stingray barb which pierced his chest.

Friends believe the Crocodile Hunter, 44, may have died instantly when struck by the stingray while filming a sequence for his eight-year-old daughter Bindi's new TV series.

The TV star and naturalist's final, fatal confrontation with a wild animal occurred in shallow water at Batt Reef off Port Douglas on Monday morning.

Unconscious, he was pulled aboard his research vessel, Croc One, for a 30-minute dash to Low Isle, where an emergency helicopter had been summoned at about 11am, his Australia Zoo said in a statement.

The crew of the Croc One performed constant CPR during the voyage to Low Isle, but medical staff pronounced Mr Irwin dead about noon.

Mr Irwin's death was only the third known stingray death in Australian waters, said shark and stingray expert Victoria Brims.

Wildlife experts said the normally passive creatures only sting in defence, striking with a bayonet-like barb when they feel threatened or are trodden on.

Those with Mr Irwin say he was swimming in shallow water, snorkelling as his cameraman filmed large bull rays.

"He came over the top of a stingray and the stingray's barb went up and went into his chest and put a hole into his heart," said Mr Irwin's friend and manager John Stainton.

Mr Stainton said he and Mr Irwin were in north Queensland to film a new documentary called Ocean's Deadliest.

"It's likely that he possibly died instantly when the barb hit him, and I don't think that he ... felt any pain.

"He died doing what he loved best."

Mr Irwin's body was flown to a morgue in Cairns, where stunned family and friends were gathering on Monday night.

His American-born wife Terri was told of her husband's death while on a walking tour in Tasmania, and has returned to the Sunshine Coast with her two children, Bindi and three-year-old son Bob.

The death of the larger than life Mr Irwin, best known for his catchcry "Crikey!", caused shockwaves around the world, leading TV bulletins in the United States and Britain.

He was one of Australia's best known personalities internationally and a valuable ambassador for the nation and its wildlife.

Mr Irwin was also a global phenomenon, making almost 50 documentaries which appeared on the cable TV channel Animal Planet, and which generated books, interactive games and even toy action figures.

Prime Minister John Howard, once lauded by Mr Irwin as the world's greatest leader, said: "I am quite shocked and distressed at Steve Irwin's sudden, untimely and freakish death. It's a huge loss to Australia.

"He was a wonderful character. He was a passionate environmentalist. He brought joy and entertainment and excitement to millions of people."

"He was a great Australian," added Tourism Australia chairman Tim Fischer.

Mourners laid flowers at the entrance of Mr Irwin's Australia Zoo, on Queensland's Sunshine Coast.

Mr Stainton said bad weather had stopped filming for their documentary about some of the world's deadliest sea creatures.

Mr Irwin instead decided on a whim to shoot footage for his daughter Bindi's upcoming series.

"He said 'I might just go off and shoot some segments for Bindi's show, just stuff on the reef and little animals," Mr Stainton said.

"I just said fine, anything that would keep him moving and keep his adrenalin going.

"The next thing I heard on the radio was there was a medical emergency, the little dinghy he was in was bringing him back with the crew.

"Everyone tried absolutely tirelessly to revive him to keep him alive, we cut dinghies loose and made it post haste to Low Isle where we knew the chopper would be able to get in, but I think it's possible he probably died at 11am."

Marine documentary maker Ben Cropp said he had spoken to one of Mr Irwin's production crew.

"Steve got probably maybe a bit too close to the ray, and with the cameraman in front, the ray must have felt sort of cornered.

"It went into a defensive mode, stopped, turned around and lashed out with its tail, which has a considerable spike on it.

"Unfortunately Steve was directly in its path and he took a fatal wound."

University of Melbourne expert Bryan Fry said stingrays only sting in defence.

"Stingrays only sting in defence; they're not aggressive animals so the animal must have felt threatened. It didn't sting out of aggression, it stung out of fear," said Dr Fry, deputy director of the Australian Venom Research.

He said the stingray would have been up to 2.5 metres across, with a "formidable" jagged barb up to 20cm long, capable of tearing flesh. But the stingray's venom would not have been a factor.

Mr Irwin was comfortable around animals, no matter how dangerous, and some wildlife experts warned he took too many risks.

"(But) nothing would ever scare Steve or would worry him. He didn't have a fear of death at all," Mr Stainton said on Monday.

Mr Irwin's enthusiasm and daring made him famous.

The Melbourne-born father of two's Crocodile Hunter program was first broadcast in 1992 and has been shown around the world on cable network Discovery.

He also starred in movies and helped developed the Australia Zoo wildlife park, north of Brisbane, which was started by his parents Bob and Lyn Irwin.

He grew up near crocodiles, trapping and removing them from populated areas and releasing them in his parents' park, which he took over in 1991.

Bob was involved in a controversial incident in January 2004, when his father held his infant son in one arm as he fed a dead chicken to a crocodile at Australia Zoo.

Child welfare and animal rights groups criticised his actions as irresponsible and tantamount to child abuse.

Mr Irwin said any danger to his son was only a perceived danger and that he was in complete control of the situation.

In June 2004, Mr Irwin came under fire again when it was alleged he came too close to and disturbed some whales, seals and penguins while filming a documentary in Antarctica.

Mr Irwin had close links with Mr Howard and was a guest at The Lodge during a function for US President George W Bush in 2003.

Mr Irwin was also a tourism ambassador and was heavily involved in last year's "G'Day LA" tourism campaign.

Queensland Premier Peter Beattie said Mr Irwin was an "extraordinary man".

"He has made an enormous difference to his state and his country," he said.

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The Latest News In The War On Terror...

UN Security Forces last night monitoring secure Taliban channels intercepted a mass communication broadcast memo from Osama Bin Laden to all active members of the Al Qaeda.

The signal, believed to originate in Jalalabad has spead like wildfire around the world, with News organsations all broadcasting this memo as their top story.

Here is a copy of the memo, translated by American Forces. They believe this memo is a call to arms for the Jihadists.

Please read this memo and decide for yourself.


To: All Al Queda Fighters
From: Bin Laden, Osama
Date: Wed, 22 Jan 2003 22:26:04 +0000 (GMT)
Subject: The Cave

Hi guys.
We've all been putting in long hours recently but we've really come together as a group and I love that! However, while we are fighting al jihad, we can't forget to take care of the cave, and frankly I have a few concerns:

-First of all, while it's good to be concerned about cruise missiles, we should be even more concerned about the dust in our cave. We want to avoid excessive dust inhalation, (a health and safety issue) so we need to sweep the cave daily. I've done my bit on the cleaning rota, have you?
I've posted a sign-up sheet near the cave reception area next to the halal toaster.

-Second, it's not often I make a video address but when I do, I'm trying to scare the sh*t out of most of the world's population, okay? That means that while we're taping, please do not ride your scooter in the background or keep doing the 'Wassup' thing.
Thanks.

-Third: Food. I bought a box of Dairylea recently, clearly wrote "Ossy" on the front, and put it on the top shelf. Today, two of my Dairylea slices were gone. Consideration. That's all I'm saying.

-Fourth: I'm not against team spirit and all that, but we must distance ourselves from the Infidel's bat and ball games. Please do not chant "Ossy, Ossy, Ossy, Oy, Oy, Oy" when I ride past on the donkey. Thanks.

-Five: Graffiti. Whoever wrote "OSAMA F**kS DONKEYS" on the group toilet wall. It's a lie, the donkey backed into me, whilst I was relieving myself at the edge of the mountain.

-Six: The use of chickens is strictly for food. Assam, the old excuse that the 'chicken backed into me, whilst I was relieving myself at the edge of the mountain' will not be accepted in future. (With donkeys, there is a grey area.) Finally, we've heard that there may be Western soldiers in disguise trying to infiltrate our ranks. I want to set up patrols to look for them.
First patrol will be Omar, Muhammad, Abdul, Akbar and Dave.

Love you lots,
Group Hug.
Ossy.

PS - I'm sick of having "Osama's Bed Linen" scribbled on my laundry bag.
Cut it out, it's not funny any more.

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