Crucifixational Fun

Were you bored this Easter? I know I was. I kept thinking to myself that it felt like something was missing from my life. Something that would provide me a way to celebrate the death of Christ, and his rebirth. I just found that all the traditional methods currently employed were rather bland and usually quite boring.

So in an effort to show Father, Son and Holy Spirit just how much I like him (cos it's all one person isn't it?) and aspire to their positions (one day I'll have his Job) I thought I'd try something new.

I call this Extreme Easter, and it's fine family fun that the whole family can in enjoy, whilst rejoicing in Christ dying for our sins. If you ask me, he's well overdue for another visit, as today's world could well use the washing away of the sin in this day and age, but that's neither here nor there. He probably doesn't relish being stabbed in the side too much, and even if Longinus is dead, he's not coming back till someone hides the spear.

Anyway, back to Extreme Easter. I can imagine some Philippinos sitting around trying to decide what to do. They'd had a few bottle of fruit wine, and the afternoon sun was addling their brains.

Philippino 1: Hey, you wanna buy a donkey?
Philippino 2: No, I'm busy right now. I love Jesus, but I miss him. How can we get him back?
Philippino 1: Buying my donkey?
Philippino 2: No, you eediot. By showing him what he's missing!
Philippino 1: A Donkey?
Philippino 2: Noo, no. By having a big party, where we crucify someone.
Philippino 1: What the fuck?!?
Philippino 2: Yeah man, first we'll have some whipping, followed by a short bout of Cross carrying and then maybe some crucifixtion!
Philippino 1: You're fucking loco my friend.
Philippino 2: No, you just need more fruit wine.

[much later]
Philippino 2: Ok, ok, I bet I can be crucified. It's easy, I know it is.
Philippino 1: It's not as easy as you might think...
Philippino 2: Oh yeah? Well I bet that I can be crucified every year for the next 20 years, that's how easy it is!
Philippino 1: Yeah right. I know you, you're way too weak for that.
Philippino 2: Is that right? Ok, how about I use real nails to hammer through my hands and feet?
Philippino 1: Really? Done! Sign this.

[Good Friday rolls around]
Philippino 2: Ow! Ow! Ow! Fuckfuckfuckfuckfuuuuuck! What was I thinking?
Philippino 3: Wow, look how much that guy loves Jesus. I can't have that, I love Jesus much more than him! Give me a crucifix, now!
Philippino 4: Yeah me too!
Philippino 5: What do you mean you're out of crucifixes?
Philippino 1: Hehe. Suckers. I'm gonna make loads of money selling hats and mini crucifixes to the crowd.

I didn't wanna steal too many pictures, truth be told it's better to go to the site.



http://www.pbase.com/clyne/via_crucis

DVLA Important News Flash!

In order to assist other motorists in identifying potentially dangerous drivers, it's now compulsory for anyone with a lower than average intelligence and driving ability to display a warning flag.

The flag (consisting of a red cross on a white background) will be attached to the top of at least one door of their vehicle.

For drivers of exceptionally low ability, additional flags are required to be shown. There is no upper limit to the number.

Blocked Internet Sites

I was going to write a post questioning why the work proxy server blocks the National Lottery site, but when I went there to check the link worked, I didn't have any trouble getting there.

Which leaves me topicless for this post. I was initially gonna write something about the lottery being blocked so you can't find out you've won at work, and then tell the company to go swivel, at least that's what I thought it might be.

But now the lottery site is accessible again. I wonder why it was unblocked? Did they have an influx of users complaining that they couldn't fritter away their pounds on a near-impossible dream?

Hmmmmm.... guess I'll never know.

In other news, I've decided life becomes more interesting when you forgo sleep for Oblivion time. God, I'm such a nerker (Geek). :)

Don't expect any more posts from me...

...I bought 'Elder Scrolls IV:Oblivion' at the weekend for my Xbox360. There goes my life then. :)

In other news, last Thursday I broke my nose. I know I broke it, cos before Thursday it didn't move, and now it does.

I've recently started going to my acrobatics evening again. I used to go, but I injured my hip, my shoulder and my knee so I had to quit for a while. During this period of rest, I started to learn Japanese, and even got my work to pay for me to go on a course.

However although the Japanese was good, and my writing skills improved no end, I didn't enjoy going as much as I should have, because most of the time I was there, I was hungry. The course ran from 7-9pm, and couldn't have been at a worse time for me.
I don't normally get hungry in the evening until about 8pm, so I would always get really hungry halfway through, which would affect my concentration. That and the fact that the lessons were a full 2 hours without a break, and by the end of it, my brain would have just given up.

Also, being from 7-9pm was about the worst time possible. If it were earlier I could have gone from work, done it from 5-7, then come home and had tea, and an evening free. If it were later I could have done something else prior (like eat!), and done this later.

The final reason for me quitting was that I wanted to go to the gymnastics/acrobatics, and the times overlapped. As I have been learning Japanese off my own back anyway, I figured I might as well continue my studies at my own pace on my own.

So anyway, I'm at the gym. It has all the equipment you'd expect from a gymnastics gymnasium - foam pits, trampolines, sprung floors, crashmats, etc etc. Someone had set up a springboard by the foam pit, so I thought I'd try a double somersault into the foam pit. The first time I didn't quite make it round the second rotation, and I landed on the bottom of my back. Close, but not quite there, as Roy Walker would say.

I tried again. This time the spin and the height were there. I completed the 2 full spins, and landed on my heels/backside. Unfortunately, I'd forgotten the one golden rule of somersaults - keep your legs apart while tucking, to avoid hitting your head on your knees if things go wrong. Things, unfortunately, went rather wrong. I'm pleased to tell you that I landed the double somersault. However the amount of rotation I had generated was impressive, and unluckily for me the momentum carried over was enough to force my face and my knee into meeting, at high speed.

I hit my forehead so hard on my kneebone that I actually broke the skin, and my face smashed into my contracted (and therefore tensed and rock solid) thigh muscle.
So feeling slightly woozy, I climbed out of the foam pit, held my hand out under my nose, and wondered why it wasn't bleeding. I've only ever had a nosebleed once before, at school, and it was because I'd run into the back of a newly opened door but that was barely a tap compared to the knock I had just taken in the gym.



I looked at the palm of my hand for a couple more seconds, wondering where the blood was. Then it came. I was suprised more than anything, because the last and only other nose bleed I had, was barely a trickle. This looked like someone had just opened a sluice gate to a canal full of my blood. The blood literally fell out of my nose, like my head was a giant blood filled jug. The skull was full of blood, and my nose was the pourer. So after the initial shock (which wasn't long, as I had to figure out quickly what to do with all my 'excess' blood) I tilted my head back and proceeded to drink the blood. I didn't really wanna get it all over the gym, so I sat down, tilted my head back, and tried not to choke on my own blood as I let the blood flow down the back of my throat, whilst I tried to get the occasional breath in.

About 10-15 minutes later the blood stopped, and I was able to go in hunt of a tissue. Suprisingly though, I didn't get a drop of blood anywhere. For all I could see, there was no blood in the foam pit, or on the floor, or even on me! I mean I had some on my hands and face, but I managed to avoid getting any on my clothes too! Considering I must have bled a good 2 pints (I'm really not kidding, it bled like a muthafucka), I thought I did quite well.



So, I ended up with a broken nose. After the bleeding stopped, I went in search of an ice pack, and while that was being dug out, I 'clicked' my nose back into place. It seems mostly straight, I think. The worst damage I've done to myself in my opinion, is to my teeth. Where I smashed my face into my thigh, I think I've actually displaced one of my teeth, the right hand front one (from my perspective). It did used to stick out a little bit, but it sticks out more now. As if I needed any more help with looking ugly! The weirdest thing though, is that when I press on the side of my nose, I can feel what I can only describe as 'pressure' on my tooth, the one that got 'displaced'.

Anyone know if dentists can sort out teeth without using braces? :)

I've now got a couple of fine black eyes, my nose is throbbing with pain, and my tooth is not only out of place, but it hurts when I touch my nose.



The ironic thing is that these photos really don't show the magnificent range of colours my face is currently displaying. I've accused of being at the front of a glam punk revival a couple of times today already. I told a few people that I was rescuing cute puppies from a burning building, and I told a few others that I had started my own Fight Club.

Hehehe.

Joe Le Taxi

Does anyone remember Vanessa Paradis and her song 'Joe Le Taxi'? You know, that gappy toothed cheese eating surrender monkey from the 1990s?

I'm gonna assume it's a yes, because if nobody remembers her, this is kinda pointless. Well anyway, I was thinking about the song, and remembering that it was all in French, so the only bit I remember was "Joe la Taxi", and that I didn't know any of the other lyrics, probably because they're in French.

Well my French is poor at best, so in the interests of curiosity, I entered the lyrics into a Babelfish Translator, and this is what I got back:

Joe the Y taxi does not go everywhere Y does not walk to soda His yellow sax Connaît by heart all the streets All the p' tits bars All the black corners And the Seine And its bridges which shine In its case the music with Joe It is the rumba the old rock'n'roll with the mambo Joe the taxi It is his life rum with the mambo Embouteillage Li is as that Joe - Joe - Joe In his case the music with Joe resounds It is the rumba the old rock'n'roll with the mambo can Go ahead Joe Go ahead Joe Go ahead sinks In the night towards the Amazon Joe the taxi And Xavier cugat Joe the taxi And yma sumac Joe It is its life rum with the mambo Embouteillage Joe the taxi And the mariachis Joe the taxi And the cha-cha-chi Joe the taxi And the cha-cha-chi Go ahead Joe Go ahead sinks In the night towards the Amazon

Was she on fucking drugs or what?!?