Crucifixational Fun
Were you bored this Easter? I know I was. I kept thinking to myself that it felt like something was missing from my life. Something that would provide me a way to celebrate the death of Christ, and his rebirth. I just found that all the traditional methods currently employed were rather bland and usually quite boring.
So in an effort to show Father, Son and Holy Spirit just how much I like him (cos it's all one person isn't it?) and aspire to their positions (one day I'll have his Job) I thought I'd try something new.
I call this Extreme Easter, and it's fine family fun that the whole family can in enjoy, whilst rejoicing in Christ dying for our sins. If you ask me, he's well overdue for another visit, as today's world could well use the washing away of the sin in this day and age, but that's neither here nor there. He probably doesn't relish being stabbed in the side too much, and even if Longinus is dead, he's not coming back till someone hides the spear.
Anyway, back to Extreme Easter. I can imagine some Philippinos sitting around trying to decide what to do. They'd had a few bottle of fruit wine, and the afternoon sun was addling their brains.
Philippino 1: Hey, you wanna buy a donkey?
Philippino 2: No, I'm busy right now. I love Jesus, but I miss him. How can we get him back?
Philippino 1: Buying my donkey?
Philippino 2: No, you eediot. By showing him what he's missing!
Philippino 1: A Donkey?
Philippino 2: Noo, no. By having a big party, where we crucify someone.
Philippino 1: What the fuck?!?
Philippino 2: Yeah man, first we'll have some whipping, followed by a short bout of Cross carrying and then maybe some crucifixtion!
Philippino 1: You're fucking loco my friend.
Philippino 2: No, you just need more fruit wine.
[much later]
Philippino 2: Ok, ok, I bet I can be crucified. It's easy, I know it is.
Philippino 1: It's not as easy as you might think...
Philippino 2: Oh yeah? Well I bet that I can be crucified every year for the next 20 years, that's how easy it is!
Philippino 1: Yeah right. I know you, you're way too weak for that.
Philippino 2: Is that right? Ok, how about I use real nails to hammer through my hands and feet?
Philippino 1: Really? Done! Sign this.
[Good Friday rolls around]
Philippino 2: Ow! Ow! Ow! Fuckfuckfuckfuckfuuuuuck! What was I thinking?
Philippino 3: Wow, look how much that guy loves Jesus. I can't have that, I love Jesus much more than him! Give me a crucifix, now!
Philippino 4: Yeah me too!
Philippino 5: What do you mean you're out of crucifixes?
Philippino 1: Hehe. Suckers. I'm gonna make loads of money selling hats and mini crucifixes to the crowd.
I didn't wanna steal too many pictures, truth be told it's better to go to the site.
http://www.pbase.com/clyne/via_crucis
So in an effort to show Father, Son and Holy Spirit just how much I like him (cos it's all one person isn't it?) and aspire to their positions (one day I'll have his Job) I thought I'd try something new.
I call this Extreme Easter, and it's fine family fun that the whole family can in enjoy, whilst rejoicing in Christ dying for our sins. If you ask me, he's well overdue for another visit, as today's world could well use the washing away of the sin in this day and age, but that's neither here nor there. He probably doesn't relish being stabbed in the side too much, and even if Longinus is dead, he's not coming back till someone hides the spear.
Anyway, back to Extreme Easter. I can imagine some Philippinos sitting around trying to decide what to do. They'd had a few bottle of fruit wine, and the afternoon sun was addling their brains.
Philippino 1: Hey, you wanna buy a donkey?
Philippino 2: No, I'm busy right now. I love Jesus, but I miss him. How can we get him back?
Philippino 1: Buying my donkey?
Philippino 2: No, you eediot. By showing him what he's missing!
Philippino 1: A Donkey?
Philippino 2: Noo, no. By having a big party, where we crucify someone.
Philippino 1: What the fuck?!?
Philippino 2: Yeah man, first we'll have some whipping, followed by a short bout of Cross carrying and then maybe some crucifixtion!
Philippino 1: You're fucking loco my friend.
Philippino 2: No, you just need more fruit wine.
[much later]
Philippino 2: Ok, ok, I bet I can be crucified. It's easy, I know it is.
Philippino 1: It's not as easy as you might think...
Philippino 2: Oh yeah? Well I bet that I can be crucified every year for the next 20 years, that's how easy it is!
Philippino 1: Yeah right. I know you, you're way too weak for that.
Philippino 2: Is that right? Ok, how about I use real nails to hammer through my hands and feet?
Philippino 1: Really? Done! Sign this.
[Good Friday rolls around]
Philippino 2: Ow! Ow! Ow! Fuckfuckfuckfuckfuuuuuck! What was I thinking?
Philippino 3: Wow, look how much that guy loves Jesus. I can't have that, I love Jesus much more than him! Give me a crucifix, now!
Philippino 4: Yeah me too!
Philippino 5: What do you mean you're out of crucifixes?
Philippino 1: Hehe. Suckers. I'm gonna make loads of money selling hats and mini crucifixes to the crowd.
I didn't wanna steal too many pictures, truth be told it's better to go to the site.
http://www.pbase.com/clyne/via_crucis
Ryaninja flipped out at 10:20 am
Throw me a Stabby Shuriken - 8 thrown so far!
8 Comments:
I just checked in to see if I had any comments on this yet, and the number of current visits is 006660. Coincidence?
I hope to be able to visit you in Hell.
Thanks Jeff, if the bible is anything to go by, pretty much anyone I've ever met is going there, especially the Christians. You'll find me in the hot springs, with all the filthy harlets that put their nude pics on the intarweb.
Actually, as long as you have sincerely accepted Jesus Christ as your Lord and Savior, pretty much anyone can go to Heaven. Forgiveness of sin covers a lot of territory. I will stop there, as discussing religion or politics is not my bag baby. Ask me about my sex life on the other hand and I will have you to sleep in seconds.
That website is seriously f**king scary!!
I have been on holiday. Now I am back. I found these guys http://www.myspace.com/hardnphirm
They are funny, which is what links it with your blog. Your blog is funny too. Please continue making funny.
Also, please sell me a donkey.
Hey Jeff, hope I didn't insult you too much. While I respect your views, and I'm not gonna get into a big religious discussion that's been done to death, I'm also fairly anti-christian. I like the principle of the whole idea, but unfortunately some of the worst people I've ever met have been so-called-christians (although I have met a couple of good ones!). Most of them are just people that are dissatisfied with the current values of society, and so go to church really with the intention of meeting like-minded people who are also willing to share the same out of date, stale views. Rather than breeding acceptance, forgiveness and joy, they brew hatred and segregation in many occasions, looking down their noses at those who have followed their own path, instead of the easy option presented to them.
I know if you're a christian, you're one of the better ones, bearing in mind I've never heard you chastise someone for their point of view.
However the state of Christianity in the US disturbs me, with many people, right up to the president using the ideals as a means to justify the end. He uses God's name to scare the people into believing that failure to support the President, is akin to disobeying God, and that the blood he spills is to protect those who welcome God (and the US Government into their hearts). The ideals of Christians and Muslims really aren't much different, but their fierce unacceptance for anything different is what really shows you what these people are like. Fanatics.
And don't even get me started on the moneymaking schemes behind the Roman Catholic Church and Evangelism!
However, as per usual I've typed way more than I originally wanted to write, and where I said I didn't want to say much, I did. So, sorry.
Also as per usual, these are just my views and opinions, and really don't count for anything.
I did go to church for many years when I was younger, so I am able to make an informed decision, but even if everything in the bible is actually real (as opposed to simple parables designed to teach people the difference between good and bad) then you have to remember that very few Christians will be getting into heaven, least of all it's leaders.
"It is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle than for someone rich to enter the kingdom of Heaven."
-Hey-Zeus himself said that. So there. I'll see you in Hell, Bush.
No offense was intended to me and non was taken. Just wanted to point out how salvation is achieved if you believe in the Bible, which I do. I too will not ruin a friendship by preaching at you. Bear in mind though that one should go to one's church to commune with one's God, not the other worshippers. I agree with many of your arguments acutally. Thanks for the clarification. I still love you, in a very manly sort of way and will be glad to buy you a beer if ever you get to Texas, or drink your beer if ever I get back to the UK.
Cheers and Adios,
Jeff
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