Soulmates Lost (part 2)

This was originally intended to be a reply to Lisa, who very kindly replied to my last post. However as is the way whenever I say or write anything, I waffled on for too long, and things got out of hand. Therefore, I'm gonna post my reply as a new post. Although, before any of my other readers get any further, I would advise just skipping this post, and go to something more amusing like the post I wrote about the Pope. This isn't very interesting, funny, or infomative. I should have called this site RyanWhinga.


Lisa, thanks for your kind words. It does make me cringe somewhat knowing that someone has actually read this, thus proving your statements that I'm uncomfortable with a certain level of intimacy. However, I'm not sure this is really the point I'm making.

I think that you get the impression that I cannot talk or open up to people full stop, whereas this isn't actually the case. Put me in a room of strangers, and I'm fine. I'll talk to any of them, about almost anything. Put me in a room full of hot women, and I'd be the same, albeit probably a little bit more polite, and probably a bit more shy.
Sit me down with a group of people I know, plus a hot woman, and I will talk to her without problem. If she looks deep into my eyes I might still look away mind you.

My emotions often make me feel uncomfortable, especially in public. It's not the other person that necessarily makes me nervous (it doesn't help, but it's not the main thing), it's the people around me. Therefore I automatically developed a defensive mechanism. It's much the same as many other peoples', it's to be the centre of attention, the joker, some might say.

I only really do this because then people don't actually know how I'm feeling. I call it my sheild. Very few people in this world believe that they have insulted me, because I appear to have a very thick skin and a good sense of humour. However the thick skin is an illusion created by my sheild, and I know that many a true word is spoken in jest. I might be deeply hurt, but while I took it to heart, you would probably never know.

This sheild does come down when I'm in a relationship though. It's about the only time it will come down mind you, because I don't let my friends in, as a rule. This post, and particularly this reply, breaks almost every rule I have about the display of my thoughts and feelings, and the very thought of people reading it makes me uneasy, so if I appear to waffle, it's because I'm trying to write something that won't leave me too open, but at the same time accurately convey how I'm feeling.

However put me in a nightclub, where I have to initiate contact, or display the correct body language to attract women, and I won't even come close. My body language goes into stealth mode, and the more I like the person I'm looking at from across the club, the less likely I am to go and talk to her. In fact the only women I've ever met whilst out on the beers were people I was introduced to. I've never got together with someone I didn't already know.

I may be similar in many ways to other former foster kids, but I tend to consider myself different. I was in foster care from when I was about 5/6 years old, and ever since I can remember, the lack of anything (love, attention, material possesions, family, social bonding) simply made me more determined to manage for myself. I didn't feel the need to flip out, it just fuelled my resolve.
I am a fiercely independent person anyway, and having the hand in my back pushing me away just made me move faster, rather than resist and push back against it. I know it's not right, but I've always considered those in similar situations to me to be weak minded, and prone to the sort of stuff associated with foster kids anyway.

I didn't live in a home like an ophenarium, but I did live with many truly horrible people, the sort who shouldn't have kids of their own, let alone get paid to look after other people's. They weren't all like that mind you, but most were. Still, my issues with the inadequate Social Services is not the topic at hand.

I appear to have gone a little off tangent, but the long and short of it isn't that I cannot form bonds, or keep them, but that I just don't get the opportunity any more.
I've been in long relationships before, and although they didn't work out, I'm not bitter about them. However, I have now been single for around four and a half years now.
I'm against Marriage and Children to a degree, but probably not for the reasons I should. It is partly because of my upbringing that I'm very wary of serious commitment like marriage or kids, simply because I would never put another human being through what I had to go through as a kid. However, my real reasons are social. I'm against Marriage because I feel it is conditioning. You're born, you grow up, you get a job, get a girlfriend, buy a house, get married, have kids. Not necessarily in that order, but it's all social conditioning. In a way, I'm lucky to be detached from that somewhat. I never had family values instilled into me, and so my immediate thought upon maturing was not to obtain a wife a house and kids. I'm mainly against children because I believe the world is overpopulated, and more people for the sake of social conditioning isn't a good enough reason to have kids. I also think people should have a licence to have children. You may claim that it's a breach of human rights, but what about the rights of the children these people are going to bring up?

Although I don't believe in fate or God, I do believe that someone is shitting on me from a great height. I feel like I'm waiting for something to happen, or for my life to end, so that I can get on with the good stuff.

My fierce motivation has been overtaken by vague apathy as I realise that none of my childhood dreams will ever come true, and that contrary to my beliefs, adulthood isn't actually any better than childhood, except that it's a lot more stressful, and I'm the only one putting me down.

All this has eventually led me back to and reminded me of my original point: I really do think that I was given maybe 5 magic tickets to be happy, and I spent a couple, and wasted or lost the rest. People think that my life is great, because I earn a fair amount of money. However, what they don't realise, is that is all I have. I don't really have anything else to make me happy, although I do like 'stuff' and so the money helps. Pity I hate my job really.

I would claim that I'm not a manic depressant/bi polar whatever you wanna call it nowadays, but I probably am, I'm just too got damn stubborn to admit it. Although this post makes things sound really bad, please don't think I'm about to top myself, cos I'm not. I'm not that type of person.

I did just need a damn good whine about everything though, and although I've probably only covered a tenth of the things I wanted to talk about, it's all good.

Incidentally, how did you come across my blog?

Oh, and if any of this doesn't make sense, check back tomorrow. This was such a long post, I couldn't really be bothered to check through it.