Hmmmm....
I feel weird this morning, although I don't know why. Maybe it was the two tubs of Ben & Jerry's Ice cream I ate last night, although I don't think so.
I feel almost depressed. It's quite obscure. I'm not an emotional retard, but at the same time I find it very difficult to decide how I'm feeling.
I actually ended up in bed at 10:30pm last night. I had a really good sleep for once, and woke up about 9am dying for a piss. So I went, and then decided I'd had my quota of sleep for last night, and then some. I can't remember the last time I slept for longer than six hours, let alone at least nine!
So anyway, I woke up at 9am. I've been pottering around my PC and cyberspace up until now. I finally broke the habit of procrastination that stopped me from collecting my email for the past week, and bit the bullet and sorted out all the junk mails from the real emails in each of my four mailboxes. I might consider reading some of the non-junk emails soon.
Now I'm finished with that, and I don't know what to do with myself. I'm not particularly reveling the thought of spending the whole weekend on my own, but I will be. I'll indulge myself with the odd splash of human company; I've been invited to a bit of a shindig to celebrate someone I know's birthday. It's gonna be ok, but I don't have particularly high hopes. It's gonna be with a crowd I haven't hung around with for ages. I've kinda outgrown it. They're all into the Rock scene, still, but I'm not really. I could still rock out as I still like to listen to it occasionally, but not in Plymouth, as I've grown to hate the only really Rock Night here.
There are certain people in my life that I used to see a lot of, and now I don't see them much anymore, and I miss them. Certain people you get used to them being around, others you enjoy their company. Whatever, but when you don't see them you miss them. Unfortunately, I don't really see them anymore, and there isn't a great deal I can do about that.
I'm feeling at a loss really. I like my own company, and so the whole situation could really be a lot worse, but I'm still feeling lonely.
Still, there's bugger all I can do about that, so I'll just have to get used to spending a lot of time alone. I'll be moving out of my current flat by July at the latest. I'll be moving into a house or flat on my own. This means that I'll have less money, and even less company.
They say no man is an island, but they're wrong. I am. I always have been, and almost certainly always will be. Over the past couple of months, I've dropped my defensive shield a few times; that bubbly stupid personality and sense of humour. I know why I dropped my shield a bit, but I'm not going to tell you.
But it wont be happening again. I was wrong.
And another thing, it suddenly occurred to me that I've been single for about two and a half years now. I can't understand why really, because I don't dislike the way I look, and considering I'm so fussy about women, you'd think if I was fine with how I look, then I can't be that bad, right? Yet, since I've been single, there's probably been maybe 5 or 6 women I liked, and only one or two that I really liked. The odd one or two has been a complete waste of my time, and the worst thing is I can't ignore it. When I really like someone, they invade my thoughts often. I end up torturing myself, by thinking about the unobtainable, and seeing them and thinking about them doesn't help the situation.
I really should sever all ties, but I'm too weak really.
Wow, this is depressing. For a want of something better to do, I'm off to the gym.
I feel almost depressed. It's quite obscure. I'm not an emotional retard, but at the same time I find it very difficult to decide how I'm feeling.
I actually ended up in bed at 10:30pm last night. I had a really good sleep for once, and woke up about 9am dying for a piss. So I went, and then decided I'd had my quota of sleep for last night, and then some. I can't remember the last time I slept for longer than six hours, let alone at least nine!
So anyway, I woke up at 9am. I've been pottering around my PC and cyberspace up until now. I finally broke the habit of procrastination that stopped me from collecting my email for the past week, and bit the bullet and sorted out all the junk mails from the real emails in each of my four mailboxes. I might consider reading some of the non-junk emails soon.
Now I'm finished with that, and I don't know what to do with myself. I'm not particularly reveling the thought of spending the whole weekend on my own, but I will be. I'll indulge myself with the odd splash of human company; I've been invited to a bit of a shindig to celebrate someone I know's birthday. It's gonna be ok, but I don't have particularly high hopes. It's gonna be with a crowd I haven't hung around with for ages. I've kinda outgrown it. They're all into the Rock scene, still, but I'm not really. I could still rock out as I still like to listen to it occasionally, but not in Plymouth, as I've grown to hate the only really Rock Night here.
There are certain people in my life that I used to see a lot of, and now I don't see them much anymore, and I miss them. Certain people you get used to them being around, others you enjoy their company. Whatever, but when you don't see them you miss them. Unfortunately, I don't really see them anymore, and there isn't a great deal I can do about that.
I'm feeling at a loss really. I like my own company, and so the whole situation could really be a lot worse, but I'm still feeling lonely.
Still, there's bugger all I can do about that, so I'll just have to get used to spending a lot of time alone. I'll be moving out of my current flat by July at the latest. I'll be moving into a house or flat on my own. This means that I'll have less money, and even less company.
They say no man is an island, but they're wrong. I am. I always have been, and almost certainly always will be. Over the past couple of months, I've dropped my defensive shield a few times; that bubbly stupid personality and sense of humour. I know why I dropped my shield a bit, but I'm not going to tell you.
But it wont be happening again. I was wrong.
And another thing, it suddenly occurred to me that I've been single for about two and a half years now. I can't understand why really, because I don't dislike the way I look, and considering I'm so fussy about women, you'd think if I was fine with how I look, then I can't be that bad, right? Yet, since I've been single, there's probably been maybe 5 or 6 women I liked, and only one or two that I really liked. The odd one or two has been a complete waste of my time, and the worst thing is I can't ignore it. When I really like someone, they invade my thoughts often. I end up torturing myself, by thinking about the unobtainable, and seeing them and thinking about them doesn't help the situation.
I really should sever all ties, but I'm too weak really.
Wow, this is depressing. For a want of something better to do, I'm off to the gym.
Ryaninja flipped out at 10:44 am
Throw me a Stabby Shuriken - 3 thrown so far!
3 Comments:
what flavors of ice cream did you have? Introspective Vanilla Bean and Choclate Chip Depression? Sorry that you are depressed, hope you find your own way out. If it lasts, find a professional, depression is not to be toyed with. Bears are to be toyed with. If you find a bear, get a pointy stick and poke him. bears love this.
I had Phish Food and a Strawberry cheesecake one. They were delicious. YumYum.
I spose you could call what I have depression, but it doesn't really count. You see I've felt more or less like this for most of my life, but I don't really pay attention to it.
I put up my shield, and try and forget about my troubles. This is why very very few people will see my vunerable side. I absolutely detest talking about my true feelings with people, it makes me feel incredibly embarrassed and uncomfortable. For instance, if I write something like this on here, and then one of my friends brings it up in conversatioin, I feel deeply uneasy, and I just want to change the subject.
About the only people I ever let in are girlfriends. The slippages mentioned have not been with 'girlfriend' as I don't have one. I kinda found myself looking at someone in a similar way and so I slipped up and lowered the sheild. I've stopped that now, cos it was confusing me, and tricking me into thinking the person I was telling was closer to me than they actually are.
Thinking about it, apart from the slip ups, my sheild has been pretty much perfect for many years. I spent so long keeping up the act, that I guess it's become me. Like a undercover detective in over my head, I've kinda assumed the identity that I was pretending to be.
So I don't need a 'professional' because it's not real depression. Real depression takes over your entire life. Mine doesn't, because I have 2 phases. Sheild up - for when I'm with people; Shield down for when I'm alone. Sure when it's down, I feel weak vunerable, and yeah, a bit depressed, but as soon as I'm in someone's company, that changes, and I forget all about those feelings, and become the witty bubbly person I want to display to people.
As far as I can gather, people actually like me, so it's a strange feeling of being alone but surrounded by people who like me, but also not really having any friends anymore. I'm not slagging off my current friends at all, but I could count them all on one hand, and still have a finger or two free.
It's not really unbearable, so I don't need to toy around with anything else.
I have a few tricks up my sleeve to make everything seem more 'grey' when I'm feeling particularly crappy.
Besides that it makes more sense to poke something living with a stick, like an octopus, or maybe a mongoose.
You should watch "About A Boy" staring the 'hilarious' Hugh Grant. He claims to be an Island and sits around doing nothing all day until a weird strange boy arrives into his life and teaches him stuff.
Before you know it he is embroiled into a game of single-mums attempted shags, imaginary children, suicide attempts and of course a life lesson in "units of time" (which I will elaborate on if you want) before ending up totally in love with one of the best looking women on the planet, none other than Rachael Weiss (of The Mummy fame) - what a lucky bugger!
I bet he gets to bone her, I bet she gives him blowjobs and licks his balls and then lets him fuck her doggy style and then with her on top, then him on top, then some 69 action before spraying his load all over her tits and face and er, um sorry ranting a bit, but it all stems from his idea of being and remaining an Island. It was Ibiza but I feel thats irrelevant considering the amazing woman he gets to fuck.
Watch it man, and see if you can pick up any tips, and who knows you might pull an awesome chick too.
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