Ryaninja

Nuclear Power, Carbon Emissions, And How Most People Believe Whatever The Hell The Media Feeds Them

2011-03-24T22:10:00.004Z

Please read this article. There's probably a great deal of information that you simply were not aware of. This is an article I wrote a couple of years ago regarding the misconception of nuclear power and how the media don’t have a clue to the science behind radiation, and are simply concerned about scaremongering and obtaining more readers/watchers.

I work for an Energy Company, so sent this letter to the Chief Executive after seeing an interview with him in the Daily Telegraph newspaper.

After the terrible tragedy that occurred in Japan, everybody seems to be going crazy over fears of Nuclear Fallout. I thought now would be a good time to publish this article so that you can make your own minds up based upon the facts, rather than the disinformation and panic spread by the media. People seem to under the impression that this could become a global disaster, when actually, the only disaster on a global level would be how far the plans for new Nuclear Reactors have been set back due to the problems in Japan, and how we are going to combat climate change and deliver truly carbon-neutral power without the help of Nuclear Generated Power.

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Dear Energy Company Chief Executive,

After reading an article in the Daily Telegraph reporting on your plans to generate more power from Nuclear to cut down on carbon emissions, I feel compelled to write to you to discuss my views on Nuclear Power, which I consider to be different from the norm. I know you are a strong supporter of Nuclear Power, so I hope I am offering another perspective from a fellow supporter, and not just discussing issues that you are already very aware of. The information I have gathered on the subject has been taken from various sources, such as the award winning BBC Horizon Television program, various other news, nuclear and government websites. I have listed the references at the bottom of this document.

As mentioned in the Telegraph article, the UK is currently generating approximately 30 percent more carbon emissions per head than France, mainly due to France generating 75 percent of their power through Nuclear Energy. In the UK we only obtain about 23 percent of our power generation from Nuclear sources, which helps explain the difference between Carbon Dioxide emissions in our two countries.

Currently the attitude the general public takes on Nuclear power is based up misconceptions regarding many areas of Nuclear power, from the area of danger caused by the power plant itself, right down to the effects of radiation.

I believe that Nuclear Power could be one of the major turning points in the uphill struggle against climate change. However, the stigmas associated with it are afflicting many people from politicians to the general public.

For example, not a lot of people know that despite Chernobyl being an international disaster that jumps to mind whenever anybody mentions Nuclear Power, a total of around 59 people have died as a direct result of this accident (according to a 2005 report by the UN Chernobyl Forum). Approximately 50 of whom were in the clean up crew, and were exposed to massive doses of radiation and died in the next few months following the accident. To date, there have not been noticeable increases of cancers, leukaemias, chromosomal abnormalities or other illnesses commonly associated with radiation according to scientific study.

Another fine example is the team of Russian Scientists who worked within the Sarcophagus of Chernobyl in 1996. Many of them would receive the equivalent to a yearly dose of radiation for a British Nuclear worker, in an hour. But despite these high levels of radiation, 10 years on, and none of them have suffered from radiation related illnesses. Several have died from heart attacks, but this is attributed to the years of high stress levels working within the extremely dangerous conditions of Chernobyl’s Sarcophagus rather than as a result of radiation exposure.

I think that the reason that people are fearful of radiation stems from a number of areas. People think of radiation, and instantly think Hiroshima/Nagasaki/Chernobyl. These three disasters have shaped our view of radiation, leaving us with a potentially distorted view of the facts.

Approximately 67,000 people died instantly when the bombs were dropped on Hiroshima and Nagasaki, with approximately another 35,000 dying in the following four months from extreme radiation poisoning. However, in the 30 years since, only around 400-500 more people died as a direct cause of radiation exposure. These events provided scientists with a studyable source of radiation exposure on humans. It was from this information the LNT model (Linear No Threshold) was created.

Unfortunately for scientists, the radiation studies in Japan were only looking at radiation cases in which people had received a large, one off doses of radiation. It did not look at the effects of prolonged exposure to radiation, nor the effects of smaller amounts of radiation as these conditions were not present. Of the people tested, most had received a does somewhere between 200 and 2500 millisieverts (mSv). For reference, 2500mSv is about equivalent to 25,000 chest x-rays.

However, when scientists created the LNT model, they didn’t have any data on the effects of radiation below 200mSv. The LNT model shows that as radiation increases, so does the risk of cancer (about 8% increase in risk at 2000mSv). The two values are proportional to each other, meaning that as the radiation exposure increases, so does the risk of cancer/death. However, as the scientists did not have any information regarding the other end of the scale (exposure levels under 200mSV) they made an educated and conservative guess; they continued the relationship between exposure and illness right the way down to zero. This would indicate that any amount of radiation is harmful. Many scientists now believe this model to be antiquated and in urgent need of an update.

Some of the reasons for citing this fault with the LNT have arisen after prolonged studies on Radiation of various sources. A number of studies have shown that areas in the USA that have the highest levels of background radiation, the lowest cancer rates are found. Airline staff on planes receive yearly doses of around 11mSv, equivalent to around eleven hundred chest x-rays (or about two and a half x-rays a day), with no ill effects, despite numerous in depth studies by the airline operators.

Another example is from the people of Ramsar in Iran. Here the background radiation is in excess of 200mSv a year, yet when scientists tested their blood against blood taken from people in an area of normal background radiation, they found that when exposed to fatal amounts of radiation (around 1.5 sieverts) the blood from the people of Ramsar developed far less chromosomal abnormalities . The world average is 2.5mSv, and for reference, when the Ukraine and Belarus was evacuated in 1986 following the reactor meltdown in Chernobyl, the average evacuee received a dose of between 17mSv and 31mSv.

This evidence would seem to suggest that not only is the LNT and the general view on radiation misguided, but that lower amounts of radiation could actually be good for you!

The point of all this is that my opinion is that for the public to accept Nuclear Power, they should first be educated. When people think of Chernobyl, they think of two headed babies, and thousands of people dying of radiation poisoning. When people think of Nuclear power, they make comparisons between the modern day reactors, and the flawed design of Chernobyl, which is commonly accepted as the cause of the meltdown. They do not realise that due to the design of current reactors, an accident simply could not happen in the same manner that occurred in Chernobyl. Chernobyl was pretty much a worst case scenario – the reactor had a complete meltdown, and large amounts of radioactive iodine gas were released into the ecosystem. Yet despite this, the actual effects on human (and animal and plant) life were minimal.

I know that it is one of the objectives of the company to have every employee watch ‘an Inconvenient Truth’, the climate change documentary by Al Gore, and I would recommend that if our company is to press ahead with Nuclear power, we should educate our staff on this also. The documentary called Nuclear Nightmares by BBC Horizon was very insightful, and I have to admit that after seeing it, I was amazed by how much information I was utterly unaware of. If the general public had this level of knowledge, I am sure that the case for Nuclear Power would be much much stronger.

If you haven’t seen this documentary already, I would strongly recommend a view. If possible, I would highly recommend this to show to employees. This could start the transfer of knowledge that may lead to Nuclear Power becoming more accepted among the general public.

If you cannot get hold of a copy, the following link is a rough transcript of the horizon episode, and contains the majority of topics discussed in the episode:

http://www.chernobyllegacy.com/index.php?cat=3⊂=8&storyid=79

At the end of the day, even if the general view is correct, and Nuclear Power is as dangerous as the media would lead us to believe, what would you say is the worse scenario;

* Running a 2 MWe Nuclear Reactor that generates 50-60 tonnes of spent fuel per year (based upon 25-30 tonnes of spent fuel. or three cubic metres per year of vitrified waste for a 1000 MWe, light water type reactor will produce). This waste would be dealt with in a highly controlled manner, and has no effect on global warming.

* Running a 2 MWe Coal reactor (such as Cottam) that pumps out over 10 million tonnes of carbon dioxide per year into the atmosphere and is more or less completely incontrollable. We would have no control over the waste produced here, short of bottling the 10 million tonnes of gas to keep it under our control and out of the atmosphere.

As a final example of how the hype of the media and the flaws of the LNT model has affected, the Horizon episode shows how the LNT methodology is used to justify keeping 200,000 British sheep - located on hilly land - labelled too radioactive for human consumption as a consequence of the Chernobyl accident 20 years ago. What consumers are not generally told is that if they were to eat chops from these sheep every day for a year their additional annual radiation exposure would be equivalent to half of one dental x-ray.

If we educate our staff, they in turn will help educate their friends and families, and in much the same manner that we’re hoping to spread word on Climate change with an Inconvenient Truth, I believe the Horizon episode would help change the view of the public if given enough exposure.

Sources:

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/money/main.jhtml?xml=/money/2007/05/07/ccprof07.xml

http://www.bbc.co.uk/pressoffice/pressreleases/stories/2006/07_july/11/horizon.shtml

http://www.chernobyllegacy.com/index.php?cat=3⊂=8&storyid=79

http://www.world-nuclear.org

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_countries_by_carbon_dioxide_emissions

http://news.scotsman.com/latest.cfm?id=723862007

http://www.ukqaa.org.uk/PowerStation.html

Audition Day!

2008-08-06T07:44:00.007+01:00

Well, here I am at 7:11am, outside the New Continental Hotel. There's approximately 50 people in front of me, God knows what time they got here!

I'm currently sat on my Camping chair listening to a bunch of drama students debate about who is hotter, Ghandi or Jesus. I think Jesus is hotter, although things would probably be different if big J shaved his luxuriant beard off.

Now I've finished punching in that bit of text, the students are now talking about The Dark Knight. One of them thinks it's overrated. I'm trying not to listen really as I haven't seen it yet. Bloody Students!

Anyway, for those of you that don't know, I'm auditioning for an extras role in the new Tim Burton movie. The rumour is that it's a new adaption of Lewis Carrol's Alice In Wonderland, although the details seems to be a closely guarded secret. Who knows, maybe I'm about to audition for a porno? I hope so, cos that means there's lots of hot student girls auditioning too! That's probably partially down to the fact that it's rumoured Johnny Depp is going to be one of the stars of the movie. Not that I expect any of the extras here will meet him, as he hasn't even been confirmed as being in the film yet, and filming for the extras is scheduled in for a couple of weeks in September, which is only a month away, tops.

While I've been tap tapping away on my mobile, the queue appears to have grown fairly dramatically. It's probably good that I arrived when I did, but I feel so tired now that I think I could sleep here on the street right now! Which would be some feat, as the overly opinionated (and mostly wrong) student beside me is making one hell of a racket! I might have to see if I can lure him out of the queue by throwing 10p out into the road...?

It's only about half past 7. The auditions start at 10, so still at least 2 and a half hours before the doors even open. I kinda need a poo. I hope I can hold out. I don't think everyone else in the queue would appreciate me laying a chocolate egg on the pavement.

EDIT: I've just found out from the BBC reporter that there's about 150 people here at the moment. I'm about 50th, as guessed, which isn't bad at all when you consider that the dude at the front of the queue has been here since 2am this morning! That's determination for ya!

EDIT2: Well, I made it! The first stage anyway! I made it through the initial selection process. We had to fill in forms to register with Mad Dog Casting. Then they took my photo (x3) and my measurements. I'll hear whether I made it by the end of August apparently.

Danger! British Gas!

2008-07-30T20:55:00.004+01:00

I almost got run over today, twice. Let me explain the road structure (see pic – black dots are traffic lights and red arrows are traffic direction, not a jet display team). There is a straight road, with a junction on the left. If you’re approaching from the south, you can go left by driving down a kind of filter lane. If you’re coming from the north, you will be crossing the flow of traffic, so this is controlled by traffic lights. If you’re coming from the left, then there are 2 lanes, one for going left, and one for going right both controlled by traffic lights also.

A hastily drawn sketch with a marker pen or two. As you can tell, I need to work on my drawing skills.

Anyway, I was heading north, and was crossing the entrance to the filter lane. I looked behind me and there were a bunch of cars heading north, but none of them were slowing or indicating left. So I stepped out to cross the filter lane, and one of the cars turned left into the filter lane without indicating. If I hadn’t stopped dead, I would have walked right out in front of it. It’s lucky I have quick reactions, and the decision making skills of a motorcyclist and a ninja tenfold. So as the car went past I raised my arms in the “What the fúúck do you think you’re doing?” kind of pose.

I looked back again, as I was only one step out on to the filter lane. A British Gas Van was approaching, but wasn’t indicating or slowing down either. So I took another step, and Whoosh, he missed me by a fraction of an inch. This time I was annoyed, so I gave the van the finger as it drove away from me. It screeched to a halt, pulled a U-turn, and then came screaming back up towards the traffic lights. He turned left at the junction, completely ignoring the red light. He winds his passenger window down and shouts “Oi! Did you give me the finger!” to which I indignantly shouted back, “Yeah!” then I added “Learn to indicate you tóssér!”. He looked like he wanted to stop and get out, and couldn’t quite make up his mind, but he was on a main road with nowhere to stop and double yellow lines. So he drove down the road about 30 meters and pulled into the first road on the left. I saw the van stop, and I was preparing myself for a fight, plus what I was gonna say to him – I was angry enough not to care about whether I get beaten up, plus, I thought even if I did, it would be pretty easy to get him fired from his job and I would have been able to claim some compensation from him, which would have been sweet.

However, by the time I passed the road he had pulled into, he must have cooled off a little bit, and realised that if you’re gonna become a victim to road rage, then it’s probably best not to do it in a work vehicle.

I’ve decided I’m gonna carry my keys in my hand for that junction, and the next person who gets within half a foot of running me over, I’ll just extend my arm slightly, and give them a 4 foot keying down the side of their vehicle. When they’re that close, there’ll be no way to prove it wasn’t an accident! Muhauhauaha! Well, unless they read this...

It's nice down here at Jasper's...

2008-06-22T13:42:00.003+01:00

It finally feels like summer!

A Few Life Lessons

2008-06-21T12:01:00.000+01:00

Blogging on my mobile...

2008-06-19T01:11:00.002+01:00

Behold! The mighty power of technology! It's like magic but with less sparkles!

I am currently blogging this on my mobile. I've had the internet since 1999, but I've not hopped on the mobile internet bandwagon until now. Mostly it was cos I'm lazy, but also because the data charges were phenomenal. I've now got an unlimited (which actually means '200mb' per month) amount of data, for no extra money on my existing contract!

This in turn means that when I snap a photo of something I'll be able to upload it and blog about it straight from my mobile, which is ultra useful as I cannot blog from work. This in turn means I should be blogging more often, and when my bluetooth folding keyboard arrives it'll be even easier!

So here's the first picture to be uploaded to blogger directly from my N95!

Beautiful. You know what this means?

It means I'm gonna have a real nice poo later. :)

The Machine Girl!

2008-05-31T11:00:00.004+01:00

I think I need to see this film! Hell, it even has ninjas in it!

Freakin awesome! Cult cinema cracks me up!

Grand Theft Auto 4 Piracy Legal?

2008-04-28T09:03:00.003+01:00

Obviously it's not actually legal, however, I'm sure a lot of people who have illegal copies of Grand Theft Auto IV will read this page, and absolve their guilt about using a pirated/leaked copy. I can see this providing a kind of consent for GTA 4 fans ripping copies of the game and playing them on their modded 360s, and then using this page as justification that they are doing no wrong!

I found this in Grand Theft Auto 4's Internet, whilst playing a copy a mate got early...

Grand Theft Auto 4 Review

2008-04-27T10:12:00.006+01:00

So, I get my disc through the door and after a quick install I’m into the game, off on the first mission collecting a package from a local dealer. Obviously the LCPD are on my case, especially with such an item on my back seat. I’m racing through the city streets, quickly dipping down back lanes to reach my final destination. I park behind my targets house and start to make my way round to the front of the house, as I do so I notice a discarded packet blowing in the wind, the label clearly reads in 1080p glory “salted peanuts” I chuckle to myself as I continue toward the stairwell, then something, I’m not sure what, makes me turn around, I twist the analogue sticks and spin round to locate the packet caught in some railings.

I punch the left stick to crouch and peer into the packet, and I can’t believe my eyes, these peanuts are dry roasted, I check the packet again to ensure I haven’t gone mental, but no, it doesn’t state this anywhere on the packet. I flick through the manual, maybe it’s a known bug? Nothing!! I quickly log onto the web to check the message boards, but they are empty too, it can’t just be me that’s spotted this?

I try to return to my mission, but I can’t shake this failing, the realism had ceased, the walls come tumbling down and I’m left with no option but the eject the disc and put it back on the shelf, it’s over man. Grand Theft? Yes… Auto? No…. What’s been stolen is potentially the worlds greatest game, ruined by the most glaring error, don’t they employ testers?

Then, I’m bolt upright, dripping in sweat, I realise I was dreaming, none of this is true, in fact it’s not even out until next week. Quickly I flick my laptop on and post this review on amazon, so no-one else has to suffer as I have.

FINAL SCORE: 0 / 5

Bizarro Dreamage!

2008-04-14T18:05:00.003+01:00

I had the weirdest dream last night. I dreamt my alarm went off in the morning and I woke up. I felt quite tired, but not unbelievably so. I started to get up and ready for work, when at some point I realised that it was still dark. I was very confused, because I could have sworn it was light when I got up. I looked out of my window to see a busy road (that's not my regular view) and it was definately night time. Despite the time being somewhere around 8am when I woke up, I looked at my mobile phone, and the time was now somwehere between 3 and 4am.

Even though I was dreaming, this confused the hell out of me. The confusion in itself was strange, because normally totally random things happen in my dreams, and I accept it without question. This time though, it was different, and I knew that something was wrong.

I knew the road shouldn't be out of my window, and I knew it shouldn't be dark. I was very confused, so eventually I went back to bed, I think. I'm not entirely sure, because the end of the dream gets a bit hazy and I don't really remember that bit.

The whole thing felt like I was awake. Maybe I was, but that wouldn't explain why I thought it was light, and then suddenly (without my noticing the transition) it was dark. However, if I was awake, it would explain why I feel amazingly tired today.

RaceFit Super SlashCut Exhaust.

2008-04-01T17:15:00.002+01:00

Here's a video of my bike after I've fitted my new exhaust pipe. It's a bit loud. Video says it all really. My Brother's the one who's riding, I'm the cameraman.

Any Questions, follow the link for the description I typed on youtube...

More, Even More Awesome Videos!

2008-04-01T17:00:00.001+01:00

Awareness Test:

Awesome Ventriloquist:

- The first time I saw this, I actually thought the singing was coming from a soundtrack, but it wasn't. Check out the other videos of this guy in action - he's amazing!

Another Ventriloquist - this guy does something very weird...

I can honestly say that I nearly cried with laughter when I saw this...

I may be getting ever closer to thirty, but this stuff is still funny to me! :)

Some awesome videos...

2008-03-31T16:00:00.002+01:00

I spent rather a long time browsing youtube last night, and watching people on talent shows. Here are a few of the best videos I found!

A Freaky Contortionist...

Magic and a Chainsaw...

If only all women could get ready this quickly!

Evil Baby!

ZOMG!!! Akira is Coming!

2008-03-12T20:52:00.001Z

Lessons I've learned

2008-03-08T01:33:00.006Z

You can be invited out by a gorgeous girl and spend the evening with her funny and beautiful friends, and yet you'll still be further away from pulling than a leper with halitosis. A Leper who's clutching a sword menacingly and sharpening it with a maniacal look on his face would have better luck than I am. The problem is that I am actually socially retarded, and even £200 worth of new clothes won't change that.

Oh, and it was my birthday. Happy Fucking birthday Ryan. Enjoy being single forever.

Leap Year 2008 - Stay Back Ladies!

2008-02-29T09:29:00.003Z

I know it’s a leap year day, but no proposing to me today ok?

I think you’re a nice person and all that, I’m just not ready for the commitment.

Cheers. :)

Stupid Baby, I Hope He Harpoons His Own Wings.

2008-02-14T12:57:00.003Z

I’ve been in a really shit mood all day today. I woke up feeling crap, wandered into work, and felt pissed off and depressed before I’d even got to my desk.

At lunchtime I realised why. There are people in the supermarket buying roses and chocolates.

This suddenly made everything clear, although to be honest, up until this point, I didn’t realise my subconcious brain was aware of the date.

Still, it’ll all be over tomorrow, and all you gullible suckers who went out and wasted inordinate amounts on money on flowers that will be dead soon and chocolates that will make your other half fat, will be back to life as per normal, except now you’ll have less money.

If I see Cupid today (unlikely – I’ve never seen him before in my life), I’m gonna pull off his wings and stuff em in his mouth, along with his arrows and his fractured bow. I hope he chokes on em.

What Do You Mean That's Not The Answer?

2008-02-12T21:37:00.000Z

My Mensa Daily Desktop Puzzle doesn't normally make me laugh as soon as I see it, but it did this time.

I was quite suprised when I turned the page over to find the answer, but then I realised that I really should read the criteria of the questions before I jump the gun and answer them.

I would have posted this earlier, but I've been without the internet as I've just moved house. The cable guy(s) turned up earlier with drills and hammers, and BEHOLD! the internet is here!

Jeremy Beadle Dead!

2008-01-31T13:28:00.000Z

Well, Jeremy Beadle is dead. I didn't realise he was so ill, and it would seem fate dealt him a bad hand. I personally am hit quite hard by his death. Sure, celebrities seem to be dropping like flies at the moment, but now it's truly hit home that the TV studios won't ever bring back Beadle's About.

By God I loved this show, and it made me laugh so hard it hurt on many occasions. I distinctly remember one episode where Beadle (in disguise) had just reversed a truck, smashing into a van and knocking the van into the sea (the van was parked on a sort of pier), just as the owner was returning to it. Of course it wasn't actually the owner's van, Beadle and team had swapped it with another that looked just like it. By God did the man go nuts! I honestly thought Beadle was gonna get the crap beaten out of him, a theme that reoccurred for many of his pranks.

But now it's all over, and I know for sure that Beadle's about will not grace our screens with a new series. :(

It took me many years to notice that Beadle had what I affectionately like to call a 'gammy hand'. It never changed my opinion of him though, it just amazed me that with cunning hand placement, even when both hands were clearly visible, he'd managed to hide his gammy hand from me for many years.

As it is sad when someone dies, and I feel for his family, let's end this post with some laughter. Sure the jokes are about Beadle himself, but the man left a legacy of pure comedy behind, so I'm sure he would be pleased with getting more laughs, even from beyond the grave.

So, here are a couple of Jeremy Beadle Jokes for you:

Jeremy Beadle Has died at the age of 59. As a mark of respect, lets all give him a big hand.

Some say Beadle had a huge cock, on the other hand, it's quite small.

Jeremy Beadle has been found dead next to a single glove. Detectives don't know the cause of death, but suspect the small glove had a hand in it.

And finally... I got sent this one by text message. I didn't find it that funny, but maybe you will.

Jeremy Beadle died at 12pm, right as the big hand was touching the little hand. ITV will be showing the cremation ceremony You've Been Flamed.

Selk'Bag Review

2008-01-29T12:08:00.000Z

The following is a review I sent to I Want One Of Those.com

It is a review of the Lippi Selk'Bag, a sleeping bag rompa suit. As it's one of the best things I've ever bought, plus I was in with a chance of winning £50, I decided to write a review on my favourite gadget website, www.iwoot.com

You can read the full review and see a picture of me wearing it in work at the bottom of the following Page:

Selk Bag Review

If you really can't be bothered to visit the site to read the review, here it is in all it's reviewey glory:

Most people don't really believe me when I say my flat is cold. When I say they don't believe me it's not like they brand me a lying heretic and try to burn me at the stake (although the warmth would be welcome), it's just they never really take on board exactly how cold my flat is. Maybe I should use a better word than 'cold' as it's not terribly descriptive of the conditions inside of my flat.

A better description would be to say my flat is baltic, siberian, algid, artic, polar, gelid, glacial or just plain bloody freezing.

However, even with such good descriptions of the temperature, people still don't really believe me, it really has to be experienced before belief kicks in. Let me elaborate a little, so that maybe you too will also understand, which will in turn lead you to understand why I bought myself a wonderful Selk Bag.

I feel a little bit like Scott and Oates when ambling around my home. You can see your breathe on the air, you can wear layers upon layers of thermal gear designed for extreme weather on the tops of mountains, but you'll still be cold, and your fingers will be more numb than a penguin's backside. You worry that at any moment your blood may freeze in your veins and that like Oates, you may be gone for 'some time'. Milk left outside the fridge will happily stay fresh for a couple of days, and I need the grip strength of a Terminator to get the near frozen toothpaste out of the tube when I go to brush my teeth.

No amount of heating in the flat can actually generate enough heat to keep the flat warm; somehow the flat loses heat faster than the heating can generate it, so I end up paying large amounts of cash on heating for the luxury of being able to see slightly less of my breath on the air.

I don't currently get many visitors, as currently I only own one Selk Bag. I've been thinking about buying another one for my guests, as all of them complain that it is somehow actually warmer outside my flat than it is inside. I would like to confirm it, but my thermometer only goes down to 14 degrees celsius, and the marker doesn't even show up on the temperature gauge when left inside.

So, to cut a long story short, I bought myself a Selk Bag. Other than keep me toastie warm, the zippable ends on the arms mean that I can seal the arms and keep my hands warm. I like how the suit makes me look like a giant Master Chief Plush toy, and on the rare occasions that I have guests, when I answer the door in my giant Teddy Bear Rompa Suit, it always raises a smile.

As last year I spent around £800 heating my flat and I was STILL cold, I think this is the best £90 I've ever spent. It's kept me snug all winter, saved me a lot of money, makes my friends laugh, and allows me to romp around the house without my muscles seizing up, which is always nice. The canvas type material on the feet provides grip and stops me worrying about wearing out the feet area by wandering round the flat.

The Selk Bag is only hand washable, but as I wear a layer of clothes underneath, I've been using mine nearly every day for a couple of months, and it still has that new smell about it.

Plus, to top it all off, when I go camping this year, I will be the envy of the campsite, and if I'm careful of splashage, I can even go to the loo without taking the suit off (number 1s only!!!).

So, if you're feeling the heat, or more specifically the lack of it, I can't think of a better purchase than a Selk Bag!

PS - the photo is me wearing this at work when it arrived, and I can tell you that it's probably not designed for a warm office, as I had started to sweat profusely from the very moment I put it on - it's that warm!

Heath Ledger Dead!

2008-01-23T18:28:00.000Z

Well, as you all probably know by now, Heath Ledger was found dead at his home, of a probable overdose. The media are apparently reporting that the overdose was by accident. Quite how someone 'accidentally' overdoses on pills is beyond me. Maybe he thought they were smarties, or given celebrities' penchant for drugs, ecstasy. Maybe he tripped, and fell on them. Who knows?

Anyway, he is no longer with us, and according to the Christians, is probably burning in the fires of hell right now due to Brokeback Mountain, or suicide.

If you believe such fairytales, that is.

I'm sure Heath wouldn't want people to mourn, because let's face it, if he did commit suicide, he probably had a very good reason, and suicide was probably a way out of it all. Therefore, he is probably more happy today than he was yesterday.

So... he wouldn't want people to feel sad, he'd just want people to remember him, the good times, and be happy!

In that light, here are some alternate titles proposed for the Film Brokeback Mountain:

- Homo On The Range.
- Irregular entry in Ledger.
- Oklahomo!
- Queers and Steers.
- Bloke's back mounting.
- Cowboys up shit creek.
- Marlboro Men Enjoy Butts.
- Flaming Saddles.
- Raw Hide.
- Cowboys prefer chaps.
- 'Snakes' on the plains.
- Ang Lee's incredible hunks.

And My personal favourite alternate title for Brokeback Mountain goes to:

- Crouching Cowboy, Hidden Sausage.

Muahuahahahahahahaaaaaaa!

I have to admit, that these weren't proposed titles at all. Could you tell? I found them on The Four Word Film Review. I felt I should provide a link as I did nick all those titles from there. :)

Well Heath, it's gonna be weird watching the new Batman film now that you're dead. I was kinda hoping that Hollywood would do another Knight's Tale, as the first was very entertaining. Ah well.

My condolences to your friends and family, but I hope you've finally found happiness, or peace. :)

The Funniest Case of Assault in 2008.

2008-01-07T15:51:00.000Z

...So far, even if it was committed a mere thirty minutes into 2008!

Here are the basics of the article (link below):

A Nun and Catwoman were arguing loudly in public on 12:30am of New Years Day 2008. The Nun may have pushed catwoman to the floor. At this point, a Pirate and a Parrot intervened. The Nun 'turned violent' and delivered a 'savage attack' on the two Seafairers.

The Pirate (Cap't Jack Sparrow) was struck in the face and suffered a badly swollen left eye and had had to wear a patch, whilst the Parrot chipped a beak. This ties in all too well - The pirate really did damage his eye, and the parrot chipped his teeth!

I know assault is a serious crime, but I'm afraid I couldn't resist reporting about this as there were too many opportunities for jokes and references to 'Nuns On The Run' to pass up. Also, lets face it, Cap't Jack Sparrow is probably second only to The Crow in the 'Most overused costume ever' awards, so really, he deserved to be beaten up.

The Royal Marines were said to have ceased their persecution of Pirates, and instead were focusing on Nuns instead.

Robbie Coultrain was unavailable for comment.

NUN HUNT FOLLOWING ASSAULT

Funny Names of 2007

2007-12-28T14:39:00.001Z

I just read an article about some people/loons in the UK who officially changed their name in 2007. Beat this, Yanks.

DADDY FANTASTIC

Formerly: Robert Sullivan

Robert from Stroud, Gloucs, had his name changed as a 23rd birthday present. He says:

"I was giving my mate Ashley some stick because he hadn't got me a present so he said he'd give me the gift of a new name.

"He kept saying, 'You're the daddy', because of my way with the ladies, so that's how we came up with the name. We looked on the internet and did it there and then.

"All my close friends now know me as Daddy. I keep a copy of the official Deed Poll document in my pocket in case people don't believe me. I've been called an idiot for doing it and my girlfriend Kate isn't impressed. She hasn't told her mum about it yet - she's too embarrassed."

BIG CRAZY LESTER

Formerly: Joel Whittle

Sales assistant Joel, 17, from Blackpool, was given a crazy nickname by drunken friends, and decided to make it permanent. He says:

"My mates came around and we'd had a few drinks. One of them decided to call me Big Crazy Lester for the night. So I ended up following it through and changed my name.

"They didn't believe I'd done it until I got the documents through. My girlfriend Kirstie thinks it's stupid and my mum Ann doesn't know yet - she'll kill me.

"The only trouble I've had is when I had to sign a form to get my ear pierced. They wouldn't believe it's my real name, they thought I was taking the p***."

MOUTH WHO WANTS TO KNOW O'MIGHTY

Formerly: Chris Gray

The gobby reputation of barman Chris, 20, from Bingley, West Yorks, prompted his name change. He says:

"I'm known for being cheeky and loud - people have called me Mouth for years, so I thought I might as well change my name.

"The 'Who Wants To Know' bit is in case I get stopped by police or end up in court. It would be so funny because when they ask for my name I can quite rightly say, 'Who Wants To Know?'"

JAM DANGER SPONGE

Formerly: Jamie Lambe

Leeds-born Jamie, 31, changed his name as a means of promoting his music business, Sponge Studios. He says:

"I changed it three months ago. Everyone's known me as Jam since I was a kid and I thought it'd be good for business to change my surname.

"I'm single and now I can legitimately say that 'Danger's my middle name' if the ladies ask.

"The reaction's been great, but I'm buying a house and the prospect of changing my name on all those documents is a bit of a nightmare."

JET BLACK

Formerly: Natalie Springer

Glamour model Natalie, 26, from West London, made her professional name her legal one, too. She says:

"I've been on television doing glamour modelling and everyone calls me Jet. I changed my name two weeks ago and it's been great so far. When I book tables at restaurants they assume I'm an important person.

"But the woman at my doctor's surgery gasped when I went in to change my name on their records."

HMP HOLLOWAY

Formerly: Samantha Holloway

The 20-year-old from Canning Town, East London, got the idea for her name while chatting to her parents. She says:

"They said it would be ironic if any of us ended up in Holloway with our surname. We had such a laugh that I decided to change my first name to HMP.

"Strangely enough I did have trouble getting a job afterwards. When I put my name down at the Job Centre they wouldn't believe me. And the Passport Office has refused to change my name on my passport.

"My friends thought I was crazy anyway, so this has just confirmed it for them."

SCOTT EVIL

Formerly: Scott Tanner

Shy Scott, a 31-year-old IT salesman from Haselmere, Guildford, wanted to stand out with a scary, surname. He says:

"I'm not Evil, honestly. But people at work started calling me Evil for a laugh, after Dr Evil in Austin Powers. Everyone loved calling me Evil so I changed my name in September. When people phone up they often pronounce my name Evvil but I always explain that I really am Evil."

IMA STAPLER

Formerly: James Ashton

The student from Oldham, Lancs, changed his name after his mates played a joke on him. His pal Aisling Davis, 18, from Halifax, explains:

"We found a website that allows you to change your name online and thought it would be a great joke to give James a silly new name - Ima Stapler was the most ridiculous one we could think of.

"He rumbled us but said it was fine, although he was worried what his parents would say. But he signed the official documents, so I suppose he's stuck with it now!"

NIKKI SUICIDE NINE

Formerly: Adam Morgan

Musician Adam wanted a unique name to represent his wild personality, and he and his fiancee came up with this extreme monicker. But there's no good reason for the alarming 'Suicide' part - he says he just likes the sound of it.

Half of these people seem to be missing all the electricity from their Neurons. However, I'm not one to talk, because my father renamed himself to 'Gypsy'. Yep, no first name, no last name, just Gypsy. He says it makes various companies' computer systems throw wobblies of epic proportion as they expect both a first and a last name but he doesn't have one!

I think I might change my name. I might change it to Ryan Ninja. Or Jubei Uchiha. I don't know, I just can't top Ima Stapler. If enough people demand it, then I might even do it for real! But it'd have to be a lot more people than I get visiting this blog, as I could probably count those people on one hand that had just been involved in an industrial accident, and was now missing a few digits.

Hell, if you could find me a good woman, I'd also consider the change, although truthfully I'd imagine most women would frown upon people changing their names to something funny or ridiculous, so this would probably be counter productive.

The Mentalist's Christmas Playlist

2007-12-25T12:07:00.000Z

The following is a list created by some mentally ill patients for a magazine on Mental health. Although people with actual mental disabilities decided on the entries for this list, it appears that one person complained, and thus, the magazine has been pulled from the shelves.

Pity really. Enjoy the Mentalists' Christmas top ten:

1, Schizophrenia - Do You Hear What I Hear?

2. Multiple Personality Disorder - We Three Kings Disoriented Are.

3. Dementia - I Think I'll be Home For Christmas.

4. Narcissistic - Hark The Herald Angels Sing About Me.

5. Manic - Deck The Halls And Walls And House And Lawn And Stores And Office And Town And Cars And Buses And Trucks And Trees And...

6. Paranoid - Santa Clause Is Coming To Town To Get Me.

7. Borderline Personality Disorder - Thoughts Of Roasting On An Open Fire.

8. Personality Disorder - You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll Tell You Why.

9. Attention Deficit Disorder - Silent Night, Holy Oooh Look At The Froggy, Can I Have A Chocolate, Why Is France So Far Away...?

10. Obessive Complusive Disorder - Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells,...

Christmas Wishes 2007

2007-12-23T20:18:00.000Z

As usual I'm not giving out Christmas cards and instead bestow upon you the above animation I made. It's just a humble piece to wish everyone a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year. It's a bit juvenile, but I was working on short notice as Christmas has kinda snuck up on me this year.

Anyway, enjoy, and I hope you have a great holiday and new year, and you'll wake up and your pants are brimming with gold bullion.

At some point I'll add a stop button, or a play button, but for now, I'm just getting the work out there before the festive period is all over!

If you want to embed the video anywhere the code for this is:

Victory Is Mine!

2007-12-05T17:16:00.000Z

You remember the Email I wrote to my bank? I received a phone call yesterday from someone phoning "about the email I'd written". The first thing they said to me after completing introductions was, "are you still interested in having the loan?"

I was mildly suprised, because one of their 'experienced underwriters' had refused me outright for a loan after I’d made an appeal against my original application. The appeal I made had all the reasons why my loan should be granted, but common sense and standard arguments were not enough to convince my bank, so I decided to write a special email. One small ‘special’ email later, and voila - I have my loan approved!

I've been thinking about maybe starting a website for offering advice on how to write a letter to get you your way. I seem to be fairly good at it, with numerous successes, but at the same time, about half of my letters have landed me in trouble. I’ll probably be leaving out the ‘Write to your employer’ and the ‘Submit your opinion of the Human Resources Department’ sections off the list, as they didn’t do me any favours. When I eventually leave my current employer, I will write about them in all their troublesome glory.

The loan pleases me because it means I’ll be able to save a minimum of £200 per month, which is should just about cover my monthly fees for hookers, drugs and rock ‘n’ roll. Thus I’ll have more money to my name, and I might actually be able to start saving...! Plus in 2 years I’ll be debt free! Then I’ll have loads of cash – because currently I probably pay around £800 on my debts. That’ll be £800 a month that can warm up my bank account instead!

Woohoo!

Oh by God do I want one of these:

2007-11-30T22:00:00.000Z

A Letter To My Bank

2007-11-29T18:22:00.002Z

Dear *insert bank name here*,

Thank you for your bog standard automated response letter to my appeal against your decision to refuse me a loan. I understand the real people in your company are very busy refusing people loans, and have no time to write back personally to my emails. If indeed this is what the humans in your company are actually spending time on. It would seem to me that your ‘Underwriters’ are nothing more than a PC with a connection into Experian’s database, as if a real human had actually read my appeal, they would have realised that turning down it down defies both logic and common sense.

I do understand that with the equity problems dogging Northern Rock, you’re probably playing things safe. I am also aware that you’re probably bit tight on cash, due to losses on your Treasury operations, meaning for 2007 that your core-operating profit will be lower than the current range of analyst forecasts of £598 million. I feel for you, I really do.

I have been a loyal customer of *insert bank name here* for many years now, and I have a Premier Current account, an ISA, a Savings account, a Credit Card, and I have had loans with you in the past. However recently, our relationship reminds me of an ex-girlfriend who would deliver a slap of truly stinging proportions every time I would make even the most reasonable request.

For this reason I feel I should inform you that as soon as I am able, I will be transferring all of my accounts to a banking organisation I consider less villainous. I am also concerned that my money is no longer safe, as profits less than nearly six hundred million surely means the bank is on tetchy ground.

I will miss the time we’ve had together, but like Gloria Gaynor, I’m sure I will survive, and hold my head up high as I stroll into the lobby of my new currency handlers.

So long, and thanks for all the fish,

Ryaninja

EDIT: This letter got me the loan from my bank. Who says fighting the man is pointless? :)

Irony At It's Best

2007-11-26T19:21:00.000Z

Longer Life for Depressives?

- I have just one question – if you’re depressed, why on earth would you possibly want to live longer?

It makes no sense!

In other news, I bought myself a set of ear defenders to silence a colleague who sits kinda opposite me. He talks very loudly, and insists on giving everyone within 100 feet a running commentary on his life with lots of large pauses in between. It’s kinda like when you’re trying to read a book, and every time you start to read, someone says something to you. Then they wait until you’re reading again, when they’ll speak to you again. This how my colleague structures practically every sentence An example might be:

“Right, click… here, then add in the DNS server, then… Oh! Baad man. Bad. Man. That’s not the DNS server. Right, add in the REAL DNS server…”

I’ve noticed that the further along the sentence he gets, the longer each of the pauses gets. Also, if you agree a plan of action, he will repeat the entire plan at least twice, inserting long pauses between each step of the way. I might have to record it someday, because it really does have to be heard to be believed. It’s also incredibly annoying, which is why I bought the ear defenders. They’re rated to 30 decibels.

Unfortunately, my colleague’s voice is obviously far louder than 30db, as I can still hear every word. So much for the golden silence I was hoping for...

New Technology From Apple

2007-11-22T07:48:00.000Z

Observation

2007-11-21T16:30:00.000Z

It occured to me that my flat is so cold, that if I killed myself here then my body would stay preserved for all of time.

Not A Bad Day...

2007-11-07T18:59:00.000Z

Today is going fairly well so far.

I woke up this morning, the sun was shining. Kinda. It wasn’t raining anyway, and that's what counts.

As I arrived in work, a girl in my office complimented my bike on how mean and awesome it looks, and that with me on it, all in black, we look really sweet and awesome. Yes, the girl is hot, but unfortunately she has a boyfriend, so the compliments on my bike were not a precursor to asking me for some sweet lovin'. Dammit.

However, it put me in a good mood nonetheless.

Then I arrived at my desk, and I discovered a bottle of wine on it. Now I’m not much of a wine connoisseur, but my colleagues assured me that it’s a fairly nice bottle of wine that cost more than £5.

Wineriffic.

Done well Ryan! A large part of the morning was spent speculating on who the bottle of wine came from. It had no note on it, so we decided it must be from my secret admirer. We also decided that the secret admirer is probably hot and really horny, and is trying to get me drunk so that she can take advantage of me.

Then I finally got the sweet-ass pirate sword that I have been coveting for years. It’s a foam pirate/ninja sword, and Chris, a colleague of mine bought it from Tesco (supermarket) a few years ago on Halloween. I really wanted one, so I went to Tesco but they’d sold out. I pestered Chris for ages, trying to convince him to hand over control of the Ninja Pirate sword to me, as I am clearly more than a little worthy.

If I knew how to type so that it looked like Gregorian Chanting, then I would, but I can't, so I won't, but you get the idea.

However, for some strange reason, Chris wanted to keep the sword for himself. I pestered him so much, the following year, he bought me a sword from Tesco. However, Tesco had changed their design, so I was left with a flaccid, ninja-less pirate sword, as you can see from this picture.

Well fast forward to today, and Chris decided it was finally time to pass on the legacy of the Ninja/Pirate sword. Actually, he’s going travelling round the world for 18 months, and he won’t be needing his sword, so he donated it to the Ryaninja stabby fund. Any stabbing devices are welcome, and with enough donations will allow me to stab one person per day for a year.

Eventually, if the fund goes well enough, I will be able to afford my own forge, which will enable me to create my own stabbing devices and will set me up for the rest of my life.

Me with my new stabbing device.

Anyway, I digress. What with all the good things happening today, I had a most pleasing day.

Finally, to top off my day, I bought a pack of Tea bags and got a free monkey. Not a live one obviously, but it’s about as pleasing as a non-alive monkey gets.

Monkey!!!!! (what else needs to be said?)

I haven’t decided on a name for my monkey yet. Answers on a postcard please, or just post suggestions in the comments like everybody else. Choose my Monkey's Destiny!!! Well, actually, his name, but you know, it might affect his destiny.

Remember Remember

2007-11-05T12:02:00.000Z

I was going to celebrate Guy Fawkes Day, or Bonfire Night as it is informally known. But then I thought, "Why should I celebrate the anniversary of when the Houses of Parliament DIDN'T get blown up?"

Personally, I think that blowing up the houses of Parliament probably would have done the country some good, and taught all those good-for-nothing on the take, lazy, power mongering Politicians a damn good lesson.

They don't care about the common person anymore. They're simply in it to earn themselves a whole load of cash (expenses, sitting on the boards of companies), and keep themselves out of trouble.

Unfortunately in today's society, democracy takes a back seat to keeping other countries happy (like America) by joining in on their wars, and keeping the politicians in power. They do what they like whilst simultaneously ignoring opinion polls and the cries from the Shadow Cabinet, who lets face it are just as bad when they're in power.

Therefore, I'm not celebrating Corruption and Deception Day. When someone finally blows up Parliament, then and only then will I celebrate Guy Fawkes Day.

If only Bill and Ted had gone back in time and fixed this. Wild Stallions!

Ninja News October 2007

2007-10-25T16:29:00.000+01:00

I'm trying to practice being concise, so you if want the full in depth waffling version of any of these points, please let me know.

1) On Friday(tomorrow), I am going to see the bloodhound gang. Should be fun, but at the same time I bet it's full of annoying kids. Plus it's in the Plymouth Pavillions, a venue only rivalled in acoustic excellence by a garden shed, full of angry crickets.

2) I've been playing a lot of Halo 3. I'm only 3 achievements away from completing the game! Woo! Go me! Unfortunately they're multiplayer achievements, and I'm a fairly high rank, so whenever I go online I get pwned big style. I'm gonna have to be sneaky about this. Still, it's not really like I have much else to do with my life, so I'll probably get there in the end.

4) I had a dream last night. I don't dream very often, but when I do, they're pretty weird. I dreamt last night that I had become fat, and I kinda looked like John Candy. It was strange, but that's all I remember about it.

3) I really want to move flats again. My current flat is quiet and has a garage for my beautiful motorbike which is really the two main things I need from a flat. Unfortunately it's also so bloody insanely cold that living there in the winter is a nightmare. Thus I want to move out into somewhere else, that's quiet, has a garage, and doesn't enable me to see my own breath every morning and evening. Currently I'm convinced that my garage is actually warmer than my house.

4) I was supposed to be going to Jelly Jazz last night. Jelly Jazz is a funkalicious night that used to be on every Wednesday before it was cancelled. It was a one-off night of funk in Plymouth, and I was on the guest list, but I didn't go, because I don't have any friends.

5) I'm taking a evening flash course at the Local College. This isn't a course teaching how to flash at people sitting on park benches; I'm already highly proficient in this area. It's teaching us how to use Adobe/Macromedia Flash. I already know how to use flash, and so I haven't actually learn't anything in the four weeks I've attended so far. But going does allow me to spend some time actually practicing my flash work, instead of procrastinating at home, and then playing my xbox instead.

5a) Also, I sit next to a hot woman on the course, and although I think she has a boyfriend, we seem to get along quite well. I'm not kidding myself though - she's too hot for me, but at least I'm talking to her. I've been single for so long I was starting to forget what women are.

6) If I can muster the motivation, I'm gonna start writing a secret blog, with all my proper thoughts/feelings in. That way, I can keep this blog bright and happy and clear of all my 'baggage'. Because people I know read this blog, I never truly open up properly and write what I really want to. I'm restricted by my job and my own embarrassment at my feelings from really writing exactly what I want to, and I don't want to be the next blogger fired from his corporate job simply because he told the truth.

So I might start up a new blog. But it then means another blog to maintain when I cna't even keep this one running, that's the down side...

Anyway, that's all for now, I'm trying to keep my posts a bit shorter, so I'll be more inclined to post more often.

Randy Pausch's Final Teachings

2007-10-24T10:26:00.000+01:00

I watched a lecture on Google Video last night, not knowing what to expect. It was recommended by Bungie.Net, which if you've been living under a very large immovable rock, is the company responsible for the Halo games.

As the video was recommended by Bungie, I thought it would be a fairly geeky lecture. Boy was I proven wrong! I would highly urge anybody and everybody to take an hour or so out from their life and watch this. I would go so far as to call it life-altering.

Randy Pausch is an amazing man. He is a Professor of Computer Science, Human-Computer Interaction and Design at Carnegie Mellon University. However, this lecture does not really focus on these topics. I don't want to go into too much detail about what Randy talked about during his lecture as you should watch it and experience it yourself.

"Experience is what you get when you didn't get what you wanted."

This lecture was funny, inspiring and motivating, however, at the same time, it was very moving and really reminded me of our own mortality as individuals. I simply cannot explain how amazing this lecture was, and will admit that at the end of the lecture I couldn't help but to well up a little.

This is probably the last lecture Randy Pausch will ever give. I'll let him say why, but please, watch this lecture. Do it for yourself.

National Suicide Day?

2007-09-29T08:51:00.000+01:00

Was it National Suicide Day Yesterday or something?

On my way to work, at least 2 pedestrians tried to end themselves with my unconsenting help. As I don't want to damage my shiny black motorbike, I was unwilling to let them succeed.

Normally, I would post this article on my other blog, which is about close calls on my motorbike. However, as I have close calls nearly every day, I just don't think about them, and by the time I get to work I've generally forgotten about them. Therefore, that blog is a little sparse, so I thought I'd use this one instead. Being close to death really is that mundane for me. It's the really really close calls that I remember though, and today I had 2. Mind you, even the first one this morning seems vague by now, and it was only a matter of hours ago!

I was riding my bike up the road from my house, and there was an old person waiting to cross the road. I was moving swiftly, but I wasn't going 'fast' (less than double the speed limit at most). The old lady waited until the last possible minute before deciding that she would cross the road, and then just stepped out. I was so close I could have plucked one of the hairs straight from her chin. Luckily I swerved slightly, and she paused for a second. It wasn't the sort of stuck-in-the-headlights pause that happens when you're about to get run over, but more of a did-I-leave-the-cooker-on kind of pause.

I didn't see this sign anywhere around, but maybe there should have been one...

I still don't know if she left the cooker on or not, but the mere ponderance of the situation probably saved both of our lives. I'm still not sure she even noticed me at all. I should have punched her when I went past, that probaby would've alerted her. Lord knows I was close enough.

The second close call went like this: I was zipping round a large roundabout. Here's how it looks on Google Earth. Anyway, I came round point 1, and just made it through the traffic lights before they turned red. I was moving swiftly and smoothly, probably about 50mph. I came round bend 2, and instantly had to stand the bike bolt upright, and slam the brakes on. The reason initially wasn't clear to me. Sure, I had the brakes on as hard as I could, but I still had yet to analyze why exactly I was braking. My brain knows what the roundabout looks like empty, and the image I was currently seeing wasn’t it.

As I slid to a stop (my bike doesn’t have abs, so slamming the anchors on usually locks the back wheel up a bit – all part of the fun) I realised what the unusual shape was in the middle of the road. It was a man. Carrying a ladder. Widthways. Yep, that’s right, I couldn’t even swerve round the guy, as he had 20ft of ladder protruding in front and behind him.

I'm sure I could have been a top scorer if pedestrians really were worth points. And like the Film Death Race 2000, I'm sure I would have gotten more points for the old people too...

Well, I continued to brake, really really hard. He stopped moving, like a when you throw a running chainsaw at a small child, or to submit to cliche, a deer in the headlights.

Just to hit a tangent a little, I need to explain how car drivers and pedestrians think. If you’re on a motorbike, and you have a car thundering towards you and it doesn’t look like it’s gonna stop in time, you get the fuck out of there, lest it hits you, and heaven forbid, damages your motorbike. The saying, ‘shit, or get off the pot’ is a rule that every biker knows well. As a biker, you either go, or you don’t. There’s no búggering about. If you umm and ahh about whether to go or not, then quite simply, you don’t go. Junctions are a fine example of this. Many car drivers will sit there wondering whether or not to go, then at the last minute they’ll decide to go, and nearly cause an accident because by then, they’ve left it too late. This has happened to me many times.

So anyway, I'm scrubbing speed off rapidly, but it's still gonna be close. He's still in the middle of the road, unmoving, and wearing an expression I'd really only associated with people who've had labotomies. This was gonna be close. Close enough that I had one of those slow-motion incidents. In the 'slow-mo', I could see the faces of the people in cars stopped at the traffic lights (yes, it's a roundabout with traffic lights on - what is the point of that?!?) - they looked horrified, kinda like I was an evil monster, and I was about to devour the man holding the ladder, and they couldn't bear to watch.

The crazed pedestrians expression meanwhile hadn't changed, gormless was still the best way to describe it.

So, I'm in slow-mo, pulling on the front brake lever so hard I thought I might snap the thing, and all I can think of is, "Screw hitting the ladder, I'm going for the squishy bit in the middle..." - Luckily for both of us, my brakes worked like they should, and I stopped about half a metre in front of him.

It's amazing I didn't run him down, but I'm pleased, as his body probably would have damaged my bike, and that would be poor show.

I swear most Plymouthians have a death wish, or are just plain retarded. Most have no idea about how the road works, or how to operate heavy machinery (such as a vehicle) safely. If the ladder man had waited a mere 30 seconds, the traffic lights on the roundabout would have changed, and he could have walked across safely at his own pace without fear of being run over!

I think I've reached the end of this post, but I'm not entirely sure, as I've been typing for so long I've kinda forgotten what I was writing about. I'm sure I had some other points I wanted to make, but I can't remember them now, so that signals the end of this post!

An Unexpected Turn Of Events

2007-09-17T16:23:00.000+01:00

I really have to update my blog, because something pretty weird happened yesterday, and to not blog about would be plain lazy. I haven't blogged much, because not much has really been happening in my life.

About a week ago, my friend and colleague Darren told me about his friend Kev who had just gone through a divorce with his wife. He'd essentially lost everything; his wife, kids and job, and was looking to start afresh with his life. Or something like that. Darren mentioned that Kev was thinking of moving to Plymouth, but that he didn't have anywhere to stay. As I have a spare room in my flat, and the Council Tax is killing me, I told Darren that Kev could stay in my spare bedroom if he needed, and we could go halves on the rent.

That was about all we'd discussed. A couple of days later, Darren told me that Kev was coming down, but he had a flat to look at on the Friday and he was more than likely going to move into it, so my offer was graciously recieved, but it probably wasn't needed. However, on the off chance that Kev didn't take that flat, Darren would bring him round on Sunday so that Kev could have a look at my place and see if it was suitable for him.

This seemed like a good plan. I want to move out of my place before winter really sets in. Somehow, the inside of the flat gets colder than being outside in winter, it's bloody freezing. As well as this, the council tax is abusively high (yes, I know that seems like a weird choice of words, but it seems to work for me). I'm hoping to move somewhere a lot cheaper, so that I can pay off my debts and then save to go travelling, although I'm expecting the saving to take me about 2 years.

Sunday arrived, and I was expecting Kev and Darren at around 2:30pm, but Darren called to tell me that Kev had to go to Taunton to pick up some stuff. They'd be round at about 5pm instead. 5pm arrived, and Darren called and informed me that Kev was running late, and they'd turn up at 6ish. 6ish arrived and went, and Darren called again - Kev was running late. This continued until about 8:30pm-ish when Darren and Kev finally arrived.

Darren phoned me to let me know they'd arrived, and then said, "we've just gotta take all of the stuff out of the car, then we'll be up."

"Weird" thought I, "What Stuff?". So I looked out of the window, to see Darren with some dude (Kev) carrying suitcases and bedding towards my door.

"WTF?"

Yep, Kev was moving in!

It felt a little like a home invasion or some sort of random reality TV show. It's was a bit like, "Suprise! You've got a flatmate!"

I thought Kev had been coming over to 'view' the place, but it turned out that Darren had meant to say that Kev was gonna move in, but had been a bit language challenged, as his text messages and conversation never even hinted that he needed somewhere to stay this weekend. But it was dark, it was raining, and everything Kev owned was now in my flat - I couldn't really turn him away, as he's a good mate of Darren's and Darren is a good mate of mine. Plus it means that only I have to pay half the rent and bills while Kev's there.

I've been trying to whittle down my stuff so that I can move somewhere a lot smaller (and cheaper), so at least I'll be a bit more motivated to do that too as Kev will need some room for his stuff, although he hasn't got a lot.

Overall, Kev seems like a nice enough guy, and I could use saving some money. I'm not too bothered, but it is frigging weird cos I've lived on my own for nearly a year in this flat, and now I've got a flatmate. Also, the circumstances are bizarre, what with the home invasion and all, but what the hell, it makes an interesting story, and my life has been lacking excitement of date.

I'm still a bit wary as I've had issues with terrible flatmates in the past ripping me off amongst other things, but I'm sure Kev will be fine, and he paid his rent up front, so I have no worries from a monetary point of view.

That's the end of the story. I'm not angry, bitter or upset. But I was well spun out. Wouldn't you be?

Stab The Monkey

2007-09-07T18:19:00.000+01:00

Genius.

Study: Multiple Stab Wounds May Be Harmful To Monkeys

That is all for now, but I will start blogging again, after at least a 2 month gap!

Short, and to the Point.

2007-06-20T17:55:00.001+01:00

Best News Article Ever.

2007-06-13T10:00:00.000+01:00

Russian Ninja Arrested in Italy.

For those of you in China (and thus unable to view BBC News), here is the article in all it's glory. I'll add some pictures of Ninjas when I get home.

Italian police have arrested a Russian "ninja" who had been spreading fear across farmlands in the north of the country.
The man, camouflaged in an all black suit, had robbed several farmers and their families at knife point, police say.

Police had been searching for him for several weeks.

Ninjas were trained for stealth. They first appeared in 14th Century Japan and were famed as assassins and spies.

Outwitted
For several weeks the police had been scouring the countryside looking for shadows.

The "ninja" was known to have struck several times - his head wrapped in a black bandana, a powerful bow in one hand and a knife strapped to his leg.

He targeted isolated farms late at night forcing farmers to hand over cash and valuables at arrow point.

His victims were usually so afraid they didn't report the attacks until some days later.

But on Monday night the "ninja" was outwitted.

As he smashed through the door of a farmhouse, a feisty old pensioner was waiting for him.

Former soldier
The old man came down the stairs but tripped on the last step letting off his rifle.

Startled, the "ninja" made his escape, hopping onto a bicycle and racing off into the nearby cornfields - followed by police who were quickly on the scene.

Police eventually trailed him to an abandoned farmhouse where he was arrested.

He was later identified as Igor Vaclavic, a former soldier from the Russian army.

He was caught carrying night scopes and a head torch.

When asked about his chosen disguise, he told police he had been inspired by his boyhood idol - Robin Hood.

The very fact that he was caught proves he wasn't a real ninja, but still, this is the best article I've ever seen, ever!

The Battle Of Trafalgar: 2007

2007-06-12T14:27:00.000+01:00

'Order the signal Hardy.'

'Aye, aye sir.'

Hold on, that's not what I dictated to the signal officer. What's the meaning of this?'

'Sorry, sir?'

"England expects every person to do his duty, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious persuasion or disability." What gobbledygook is this?'

'Admiralty policy, I'm afraid, sir. We're an equal opportunities employer now. We had the devil's own job getting 'England' past the censors, lest it be considered racist.'

'Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco.'

'Sorry sir. All naval vessels have been designated smoke-free working environments.'

'In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the mainbrace to steel the men before battle.'

'The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. It's part of the Government's policy on binge drinking.'

'Good heavens, Hardy. I suppose we'd better get on with it. Full speed ahead.'

'I think you'll find that there's a 4 knot speed limit in this stretch of water.'

'Damn it man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in history. We must advance with all dispatch. Report from the crow's nest, please.'

That won't be possible, sir.'

'What?'

'Health and safety have closed the crow's nest, sir. No harness, and they said that rope ladder doesn't meet regulations. They won't let anyone up there until a proper scaffolding can be erected.'

'Then get me the ship's carpenter without delay Hardy.'

'He's busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the fo'c'sle Admiral.'

'Wheelchair access? I've never heard anything so absurd.'

'Health and safety again, sir. We have to provide a barrier-free environment for the differently abled.'

'Differently abled? I've only one arm and one eye and I refuse even to hear mention of the word. I didn't rise to the rank of admiral by playing the disability card.'

'Actually, sir, you did. The Royal Navy is under-represented in the areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency.'

'Whatever next? Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons.'

'A couple of problems there too, sir. Health and safety won't let the crew up the rigging without crash helmets. And they don't want anyone breathing in too much salt - haven't you seen the adverts?'

'I've never heard such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell the men to stand by to engage the enemy.'

'The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral.'

'What? This is mutiny!'

'It's not that, sir. It's just that they're afraid of being charged with murder if they actually kill anyone. There's a couple of legal aid lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks.'

Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?'

'Actually, sir, we're not.'

'We're not'

'No, sir. The Frenchies and the Spanish are our European partners now. According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn't even be in this stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for compensation.'

'But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil.'

'I wouldn't let the ship's diversity coordinator hear you saying that sir. You'll be up on disciplinary.'

'You must consider every man an enemy who speaks ill of your King.'

'Not any more, sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural age. Now put on your Kevlar vest; it's the rules.'

'Don't tell me - health and safety. Whatever happened to rum, sodomy and the lash?'

'As I explained, sir, rum is off the menu. And there's a ban on corporal punishment.'

'What about sodomy?'

'I believe it's to be encouraged, sir'

'In that case, kiss me, Hardy'.

2007 Movie Review!

2007-06-07T16:36:00.000+01:00

I watched Brewster's Millions again last night.

It was ace.

The Best Video On The Internet, Ever.

2007-05-09T16:34:00.000+01:00

That is all.

Pure Comedy Genius

2007-04-17T01:10:00.000+01:00

Q: What do you get if you cross a robot with a pirate?

A: Arrrrrrgh 2D2.

Run Cycle 2

2007-04-14T14:47:00.000+01:00

Here's another animation I've just finished making. I was gonna use for something I'm working on, but I decided it's too bland, and I need a more inspiring ninja. Trouble with Ninjas is that they wear all black, which kinda makes my character look a bit flat. It's also hard to detail and shade black, so I need to think about the best way to draw my ninja so that he looks good, but also animates well.

And there you go. It's a long way from perfect, but it took me far less time to make than my previous run cycle, so I must be getting better.....

Friday 13th

2007-04-13T10:01:00.000+01:00

And I feel the need to do something dangerous.

Suggestions please.

Flash Animation

2007-04-12T16:31:00.000+01:00

I found this on youtube, and I love it.

Look EVEN more stupid with the Wii Helm....

2007-04-09T10:11:00.000+01:00

OMGGGGG!!!!1111!1oneone1!! You may be thinking, "I don't look nearly stupid enough already whilst playing my Wii, where can I get one of these super cool devices?

Thinkgeek, my friends, Thinkgeek. Imagine four player tennis with everyone wearing these, it'd be like watching Michael J Fox (and friends) sit still.

It's Aliiiive!

2007-04-07T11:00:00.000+01:00

I've been feeling quite creative over the last couple of days (probably because I haven't been to work!) so I've been playing around with flash.

After seeing various tutorials and video presentations on the web, I've designed a basic run cycle for my ickle ninja.

Here it is in all it's glory.

It's not quite perfect yet, but it is a huge improvement on my previous animation, which you can see here.

Tonight's Sunset

2007-04-05T21:31:00.000+01:00

As I'm a sensitive and artistic type person, honest, I thought I take some photos from my balcony and post them for all to see.

All pictures taken with a Sony Ericsson K800i.

Four Puppies were harmed and/or maimed in the making of this blog entry.

NWA Day!!!!!

2007-04-02T16:40:00.000+01:00

This is the funniest thing I've seen in ages. It probably helps if you know most of the words to the original song, as I do, but hopefully, it'll be funny for you even if you don't know the words.

Thank you Adam Buxton. :)

A Haiku about what I'm going to do today.

2007-04-01T09:32:00.000+01:00

Gonna ride my bike
Really fucking fast
Holy banana Batman

The Missing Piece Of My Soul

2007-03-31T00:19:00.000+01:00

I think I found it in this video.

It's what happens when The Polyphonic Spree do a cover of Lithium by Nirvana, and then make a video for it. Genius. Enjoy. :)

Wiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii!

2007-03-28T23:12:00.000+01:00

Well I was in town on Saturday and I decided to buy myself a Wii. It was a bit of a casual decision really, as I'd wanted to buy myself something (cos I deserved it, dammit) and I said to myself "If any of the shops in town have one, then I'll buy it."

I didn't actually expect anywhere to have one, but as I wandered past Woolworths, I popped in, waited patiently in the queue behind an old couple who took bloody ages. They probably wanted an explaination on what CDs were or something.

Anyway, I got to the checkout, and said "Don't spose you've got any Wiis have you?", to which the clerk replied "Yes, we've got one actually" at which point she went off to get it from the storeroom. As I waited for her to return, a loud screechy voice at the next checkout across exlaimed something along the lines of, "Aww nooooo! The last one? Ere, I've been looking for one of them since before Christmas, innit!" I might have added the 'innit' in my head, I really don't remeber. She seemed the type to insert it into every other word though, so it's highly possible she did say it.

Right, well I digress. Anyway, had my Wii since about 4pm on Friday. It's now Wednesday, and I've just completed Zelda. Not bad going considering I've only been playing it in the evenings, apart from Sunday, where I pretty much just lounged around the houses in my dressing gown all day and played the Wii. I don't think I got dressed at all that day. It was pleasing.

So now I've completed Zelda (Twiglight Princess), I can get back to my life. Although I haven't even played SSX Blur or Red Steel yet. I wonder what I should do next?

Oh, also, in other news, I watched the film 300 the other day. Absolutely awesome!!! I loved it. Go watch it now, or at your convenience. I don't mind.

:)

How to: Newbie's Guide to the Ubuntu 3D Matrix Cube - As seen On Youtube! :p

2007-03-06T19:17:00.001Z

I have written this guide to show Linux newbies how to get their desktop looking like the My Ubuntu Beryl Matrix 3D Desktop video on Youtube. I will tell you what you need to install, where to get it, and how to actually install it.

Here's the video if you haven't already seen it:

Please bear in mind that I also am a newb to Linux (I've had it installed for 3 days now!), but having had to use Unix(AIX) when I was an Oracle Dba meant that I have been able to find my way a bit more quickly than someone who's never used Unix commands before.

This guide will not get your desktop looking exactly like that of the video, because I don't know exactly what plugins the guy is using, but I'll get it close, and I can assure you, it will still look sweet! :)

Install Ubuntu:
If you haven't done already, install Ubuntu Linux on your computer.
Go to Ubuntu.com and download the live CD iso image. Use that to install it, it's very easy.

If you're setting the machine up for dual boot and you want to manually edit the partitions, remember to create a partition for Ubuntu, plus a small partition (500mb-1gb) for the swap file.

When assigning the mount points to the filesystem (the next step after creating the partitions) the absolute minimal you need to assign is / (root) and swap. Assign / to your OS partition and swap to the small partition. Assign other mount points if you want, such as a seperate directory for /home (think of it as the equivalent to My documents on Windows).

If you have any issues, the Ubuntu.com website has a lot of help on there, as well as forums.

Install Beryl:
Go to Beryl Wiki and choose your installation type.
I chose the "Install Beryl on Ubuntu Edgy with nVidia (1.9xxx or higher)" option, as I have an nVidia 7900GTX card in my laptop.

This will also install the nVidia drivers, set up your X-console to use the nVidia drivers and also prepares settings so that Beryl can be attached to the X-console. - I think. Still figuring out how everything slots togerther! :)

If you don't have an nVidia card, please choose the appropriate setup for your system.

After the install of < href="http://www.beryl-project.org" target="_blank">Beryl, I also had problems with my wireless. I just disabled the connection, re-enabled and re-entered my settings, and that seemed to fix the problem.

Another problem was that my windows were missing the top bar, containing the minimise,close buttons etc.

With Title Bar:

Without Title Bar:

If you have have this problem, open /etc/X11/xorg.conf and change the default depth to 24.

Log out, then Ctrl+Alt+Backspace - this will restart your window manager.

Right, now you have Beryl installed, on to getting the Matrix stuff! :)

Matrix Stuff: Themes

Firstly, Themes. The Emerald theme manager you get with Beryl only really applies to the border of and topbar/titlebar of your current window.
It does not change the colour of the inside of the window, such as the file/edit menus etc. Some themes have extra controls for the title bar as well as the obvious colour variances.

For Emerald themes, see www.gnome-look.org under Beryl Themes. To install, simply open Emerald Theme manager (right click on the beryl tray icon) and choose import theme.

To change the properties of the insides of the windows, the Gnome Desktop manager seems to be the beast to use.

Go to System>Preferences>Theme. This is the Gnome Theme Manager. Here you can change the colours of the text, the background colour, the icons, etc. With a bit of fiddling, you can customise your theme to look exactly how you want. Plus, as with the emerald themes, you can download more online.

See www.gnome-look.org for more themes. The secton you want is GTK 2.x themes. Open up your gnome theme manager and drag and drop the theme.tar.gz files straight in.

For the matrix effect, you'll need black and green themes for both emerald and the gnome desktop. If you can't find one, tinker until you get the effect you want.

This is a good theme for the effect we are going for:
http://www.gnome-look.org/content/show.php?content=53822

Additional Software:

Go to Trevino’s Ubuntu Repository and install the following:

Libseom.
Seom.
Beryl Vidcap.
Xwinwrap.
akamaru:libakamaru0

Now right click here and ‘Save As’ Kiba Dock deb file

Kiba dock is, funnily enough…a dock…for application shortcuts, much like the OSX's, except that this integrates the physics provided by the akamaru engine, which provides some interesting effects...

Once done, go back to Trevino’s Ubuntu Repository

And install the following:
gset-kiba
kiba-plugins

Now go to system>administration>synaptic package manager. Install xscreensaver.

Now go Here

Scroll to the bottom of the page, and download the file called qxwinwrap.tar.bz2

Extract that, and start the program qxwinwrap. You can then simply set the glmatrix screensaver, click start and then close the program if you wish. Viola! Matrix code running down your desktop!

For added effect, download one of these files

Matrix Skydome 1
or
Matrix Skydome 2

Set it as your skydome in Beryl Settings Manager, and animate it.

To get the fire effects play with the animations section in the Beryl settings to get the effect you desire. Word of advice - you may want to turn off the animations of tooltips for both create and close actions. It can get very annoying otherwise.

I will post a video of the end results as soon as I can figure out why Beryl's vidcap isn't showing up in the settings, despite the fact it's showing as installed in the Synaptic Package Manager!

Here's a couple of screenshots of my current setup. Click the pictures for full sized-mega detail!!!111!!!

--------------------
Note: This is edit 1.0 - Please let me know if I haven't got something right - I'm still a newb at this myself! :)
I will also tidy up this document a bit more, to make the whole thing look a bit nicer, not just the first half!

Naruto Shippuuden and Ubuntu

2007-03-05T16:49:00.000Z

Well, I had a weekend of pure geekiness this weekend. Not to be outdone by Foss, and his promises of how his Ubuntu/Beryl installation could look like some guy's youtube video, I set out to actually make my desktop look like it.

It wasn't completely straightforward, so I'm sorry to say that I spend 90% of Saturday playing with Linux on my laptop. It was a lovely day too - I really should have gone out on the motorbike, but I didn't. So get off my case. :P

Now I have my Matrix 3d Cube working using Ubuntu and Beryl. Not bad, considering I'd never used Ubuntu before Friday night. I've used other flavours of Linux before, but had never done anything more complicated than read my email on them, so it was a good learning exercise.

My desktop currently looks like this:

Not bad Eh? I've been thinking about creating a tutorial on how to set your system up like this, as it took me bloody ages to work out what to do, and then about the same time to actually implement (and get all the instructions right). Also, a Ubuntu / Beryl/ Matrix guide/faq would probably endow my site with plenty of fresh hits too!

So I think I'm gonna write a Newbie's Guide to Ubuntu, Beryl, and the 3D matrix cube! If you've come to this site looking for such a guide, please post a comment. The more comments that appear, the more likely I am to finish this tutorial quickly!

However, when I wasn't playing with Linux, I was watching Naruto. By god I love that series. Since the last post regarding this, I have watched episodes 180-220. I've also watched the current 4 episodes of Naruto: Shippuuden, aka Naruto: Hurricane Chronicles. Yes that's a lot of episodes, yes I don't have enough friends and yes I don't get out enough. :)

The new series starts right back at the main storyline, with Naruto just retuned from his 2 and a half year training stint with Jiraiya (Ero-Sennin).
Man how this new series reminds me of the old episodes of Naruto - exciting, but a bit too drawn out with too many flashbacks, and always a bloody cliffhangar right at the very end! But still, I'm enjoying it like I did the first 130-odd episodes before they took the route to filler city.

If you're going to watch the new series, and you haven't watched all the filler, I'd recommend just watching the last 4 episodes of Naruto (eps 216-220), as it builds up to Naruto going away with Jiraiya. The final episode was very exciting, with Naruto telling everyone of how he was going away to train.

Here is a reconstruction of the events in Naruto, but replayed by some doped-up Californians:

Naruto was like, "Yeah boyyyzzz, I'm going training with Jiraiya for 2 years and hopefully stare at loadsa naked bitches with him!"
Then Neji and Everyone was like, "Shiiiiiit doggg, he's gonna come back even more hardcore than he is now! I'm gonna have to work my butt off jus' so I don't look like no weak ass fool when he come back!"
And then Hinata was like "Maaannnn I'm gonna be sooo hornyyyy when Naruto gets back, I'm gonna let him do me in the Byakugan."

Yeah.

Giant Enemy Crab & Three PS3s...

2007-03-03T11:01:00.001Z

I'm almost certainly not gonna buy a PS3, not unless I suddenly win the lottery, in which case, I might, but it's still not definate.

However, taking a page from Foss' book, I realised that it's much easier to post links to videos on youtube, than it is to actually write something (cunning plan Foss, took me ages to catch on). :)

So, with that in mind, enjoy the following two videos. The first is about Real Battles in Japanese History, and the second, why it's about three PS3s.

Haha! Easy blogging! :)

Naruto News

2007-03-02T09:37:00.000Z

For those of you that don't know, Naruto is an anime series that follows a young ninja called Naruto, as he strives to become the best ninja in Konoha, the hidden leaf village.

Originally published as a Manga(comic) in a popular Japanese magazine called Shonen Jump, it quickly moved to an animated TV series. Shown at about 7pm in Japan, it is family show, despite the amount of blood and violence. America licenced Naruto, so they could dub it in American, pronounce all the names wrong, change the gender of certain important characters (Orochimaru, Haku), cut out all the blood and violent sections, and then put it on Nickelodeon. The American version is a travesty. Apparently this is what happened to Dragonball Z too - apparently the Japanese version was about 100 times better. I can understand that, as watching the US dubbed Naruto makes me wanna pluck out my eyes and pour burning petrol into my ears.

I haven't been watching Naruto for quite a while now, cos it was all filler episodes (not following the interesting plot of the manga), and a lot of it wasn't very good, with all the characters acting totally out of character (Eg, not like ninjas), so I kinda lost enthusiasm.

However, I found out this morning that Naruto has quit doing filler exercises. Naruto the series stops at episode 220. After 220, there's a new naruto, it's called Naruto Shippuuden (spelling?). The Shippuuden means hurricane, so it's Naruto Hurricane, and it's continuation of the story that is in the manga.

Apparently though, a couple of the last eps of Naruto build up to Shippuuden, so it's advisable to watch those.

I realised yesterday that I hadn't seen Naruto since about ep 180, so I'm gonna go mad and watch all the filler eps in a couple of 'Lame Naruto Sessions', then I can move back on to the story. Mind you, there are currently only 3 episodes of the Shippuuden, so it'll probably be back to having to wait desperately every week very quickly!

Before I get there though, I gotta watch the non-plot episodes. Still, it's not half as bad when you can watch episode after episode of filler, cos you're not left hanging after 20 minutes, only to have to wait a whole week for the next episode of a story that actually has nothing to do with the main plotline.

I watched up to episode 195 last night. Only 25 more eps to watch before the story moves on!!!

Letter To My Letting Agents...

2007-03-01T08:54:00.000Z

Dear Executive Lets,

I spoke to Emma on Monday morning regarding the gate zapper, and asked her to pass a message to you to call me as you were on the phone at the day. This was regarding the shower still not working, and absolutely no news on the roof either.

However, I have heard nothing since then.

Please be aware that in a week’s time I will have been in this flat for four months, and I still cannot use the shower, or one complete room as the light fitting is leaking, and thus I cannot use the light either. Bearing in mind that I rented the flat with TWO bedrooms and a shower, and I cannot use this 2nd bedroom (I wanted to use this room as my bedroom, but I cannot) or the shower.

I’d like some money back on my rent please, as you are not fulfilling the conditions of the let.

Regards

Ryan

All Hail Adz!

2007-02-21T08:00:00.000Z

Thanks be to Adz, without him I may never have discovered PornoTube.com

I'll never be lonely again!

:)

Feeling Shite Index: 9.5

2007-02-20T12:30:00.000Z

Hello.

I'm feeling especially shit today, for the following reasons:

I hate my job.
I hate my life.
I hate the company I work for.
I didn't get any Valentine's Day Cards.
I haven't had any for half a decade.
I've been single for just under that.
I expect to be single for even longer.
I don't 'fancy' anyone.
I can't even remember what it feels like to 'fancy' someone.
I have nothing in life to look forward to.
I find it hard to care about anything anymore.
I'm socially retarded.
I have nothing to show for eleven years of working.
I can't afford my own house.
I hate the weather (raining & always bloody cold).
I'm completely out of ambition.
I'm unwell at the moment, and I have a headache, really sore throat, and runny nose.
I can count my friends on one hand, and I rarely see any of them.
I feel like I'm waiting for God.
Other reasons I'm unable to form into coherant words, but I feel it.

Reasons my life isn't so bad after all:

I have a sweet motorbike.
Ummmm.... my flat is quiet at night.
.....
.....

No Sleep for A Week

2007-02-15T11:41:00.000Z

Some of you may remember when I first got my Xbox 360 and the game Oblivion, I barely slept for three to four weeks. This was due to me having to go to work, play my new game, AND sleep. There just weren't enough hours in the day. So, to counter this, I was getting up at 7am, going to work, leaving work at 4pm, coming home and playing Oblivion until approximately 4am, at which point I'd go to bed and then start the whole process all over again by getting up at 7am.

After about three or four weeks of 3 hours sleep a night, I realised I was starting to make bad judgement calls, and I wasn't quite as 'with it' as I should have been. Finally I clipped the wing mirror of a stationary vehicle whilst riding my motorbike and I realised that I was too tired for everyday life, and I decided to knock it on the head. Luckily I was pretty much at the end of the game anyway, so I completed the game, tidied up loose quests etc, and then decided to get myself a solid 6 hours sleep (I rarely sleep for a full 8).

Well, apparently next week Bethedesa is releasing an expansion pack to oblivion. It's 25% of the size of the original. As the main game took me around 240 hours to complete, this means that if I resume my 'no sleep plan' then I should be able to continue to go to work and finish the expansion pack in a week.

Note: Yes, my four week gaming stint accrued to about 70+ hours a week, including weekends, but that was about double what I spent at work during those weeks - in three weeks I had approximately 60 hours of sleep instead of around 168, which would explain why I felt 'a little tired'....

Of course the main problem with this is that I probably won't play the expansion on it's own, but start Oblivion from fresh with a brand new character.

Ahh, it's fun to be a geek, but at least it gives me something to do rather than sitting round the house on my own. I really must get myself a lady. Any takers?

Baconalicious.

2007-02-14T10:39:00.000Z

Well, it's now Wednesday, and I'm still on my training course. I'm feeling quite good actually. I changed hotel rooms, and now the roadworks and rattley bathroom noise has gone, so I got quite a good night's sleep.

Also, so far out of three day's worth of meals, so far I've only had one meal that hasn't included bacon in it. This pleases me, as I like bacon.

I was thinking about this last night, and I had a whole bunch of psychological reasoning behind something, it could have been bacon, but I don't really remember. I'm quite annoyed, because I'm positive it was funny too. Ah well, your loss.

Also, I've just realised it's Valentine's day today. I was planning on creating a flash anination regarding V-Day, but the truth is that I never really got started. I blame Cupid, for being awkward to draw, or perhaps my art skills for being, well, shit.

So I must apologize to everyone who may have been expecting it. Maybe I'll do it next year. However, I am planning on doing an Easter animation. Also, Jesus is pretty easy to draw I reckon, so how hard can it be?

I have two months to get that done, so we'll see closer to the time...

Oh, for those of you lucky ones with Someone to bestow gifts upon them today, happy Valentine's day, I hope your loved ones they give you a huge box, containing a dozen red ~~ROSES~~ Turds.

Happy Valentine's day Danish Bacon. I love you.

My Evil Twin...?

2007-02-13T13:51:00.003Z

I'm in Bristol at the moment, on a training course that my company has sent me on. It's not very interesting, the hotel's air conditioning sounds like roadworks (and the entire bathroom 'rattles') and the course room is so hot and airless I feel like sleeping through the entire course, but because I'm keeping myself awake I end up with a stonking headache by midday. And I haven't even had anything to drink the night before!

Still, I'm not one to complain (too much) because they could be peeling the skin from my body, and it'd still be better than work.

Anyhoo, the hotel is only about a ten minute walk from the hotel, so it would be environmentally irresponsible for me to get a taxi there. However, On walking home last night, some dude in a white transit van beeped me. I looked up, and he was waving at me. I looked around to check he wasn't waving at another pedestrian, but there were none, so I kinda 'nodded' back at him.

"Weird" thought I, "I wonder who that was."

By the time I got back to my hotel I had all but forgotten about it.

However, this morning, walking to the training center, I got beeped again. I don't think it was the same person, but it was another white transit van.

I wonder if I have an evil twin here in Bristol?

I mentioned this to the bloked sat next to me on the course. He suggested that I was probably the evil twin.

I only met him yesterday...

Just the Right Angle

2007-02-10T14:51:00.000Z

Photos taken from just the right angle...

That Was Quick...

2007-02-09T14:43:00.000Z

Stinky Stinky.

2007-02-09T08:39:00.000Z

Christ almighty the people I work with have rancid breath. I know for some it's a mixture of coffee and cigarettes, for others, just coffee. I'm sure some people have had neither, but instead have swilled their mouth with shit prior to engaging conversation with me.

They turn up at my desk, stand behind me, and waft their oral stench in my direction. It's disgusting, and not a lot disgusts me normally.

I swear from the state of some of the breath round here, they must be having a competition as to who will be the first to knock a person clean out simply using the power of breath. It's seriously worrying that some people's insides smell like this. If mine smelt like this, I'd drink bleach or something.

It does make me wonder what the hell they've been eating. Here's what I envisage their diaries to look like:

9:00am - get up. Chew some tree bark, drink some liquid manure. Have Cigarette. Brush teeth with toilet brush.

11:00am - Snack time. Eat out of someone's unwashed arse. Have Cigarette.

12:30pm - Lunch. Coffee, Mud, Creasote, Marmite, tar, sawdust, dead ferrets, arse. Have Cigarette.

15:00pm - Snack time. Lick dirty toilets, then suck on old socks. Have cigarette.

18:00pm to Bedtime - Eat old carpets and mildew infested towels. Have Cigarette. Eat remaining cigarettes. Brush teeth with toilet brush.

Still, if I get angry every time they come over, maybe they'll stop... or at the very least stop eating arse. Chewing gum wouldn't help either.

What Sun Tsu Told Me #2:

2007-02-05T08:40:00.000Z

If the Enemy Troops are aroused and approach your forces, only to maintain their positions without engaging in battle or breadking off the confrontation, you must carefully investigate the situation.

Hehehehe.... aroused...

Was Sun Tsu gay? This seems to suggest so. Maybe it's my lack of knowledge of Ye Olde way of talking, but what I read here is "If an army of men with boners approach, and then do nothing, carefully investigate why they have boners/investigate the boners.

Sounds kinda gay to me...

GroundHog Day!!!!

2007-02-02T16:59:00.000Z

It's groundhog Day! Unless my Sun Tsu desktop calendar is lying to me. I didn't realise they celebrated Groundhog Day ancient China, so it's possible.

Apparently, if the Groundhog emerges from it's burrow and sees it's own shadow (if it's sunny), it will become scared, and run back into it's burrow, and the winter weather will continue for another six weeks. If however it's cloudy, the Groundhog will not see it's own shadow, and this allegedly means that Winter is over.

Is it just me that this makes absolutely no sense to?

Six more weeks of winter my arse.

I will admit that it was quite a few years after I saw the fantastic film Groundhog Day, that I realised Groundhog Day was a real event (obviously time restarting isn't the event, the Groundhog business is).

I love the film, but I have to say I'm with Bill Murray on this one. What a stupid tradition.

First, other than the obvious obscurity of relying on a marmot for predicting the weather, this actually makes no sense. The Woodchuck, otherwise known as a groundhog or whistlepig is more or less a large fat squirrel.

He may looked stuffed, and he is. Groundhogs Gorge themselves on human flesh.

Now, last time I checked, ground based squirrels weren't as accurate at predicting the weather as meteorological satellite data. It's like Luke Skywalker using 'The Force' to aim his X-Wing's weapons at the Death Star, when he should have been using the weapon's instrument control panel; that's what it's there for. He got lucky if you ask me.

Second, is the Groundhog retarded or what? Scared of it's shadow? Why on earth would any animal be scared of it's shadow? I mean other than the shadows of Ninjas, shadows are completely harmless. For those not in the know, Ninjas don't have shadows. If a ninja ever spots his own shadow, he will normally stab it right away with something pointy (and usually poisoned) as the shadow is not a shadow, but another Ninja. If you ever see your shadow wielding a katana, run away immediately.

This groundhog uses flowers to lure you closer. Then it leaps into the air and sinks its big squirrely teeth into your jugular. 'Ave it!

Anyway, back to business. It's not just the Groundhog who seems to be retarded, all the people who look to him for the weather forecast must also be lacking in cells of the brainium. They're almost as deluded as the people who believe in a magical being in the sky who created everything, and watches over us like some sort of omnipotent pervert.

All hail the great spaghetti monster.

Well to make matters even more deranged, somewhere, someone decided that if the weather was nice, then it would be winter for longer, whereas if the weather was bad, then spring was on it's way.

Now I don't know about you, but this makes even less sense on relying on a fat squirrel that can't climb trees for a weather report. I might as well 'read' tea leaves, or the skidmarks that giant turd left in my toilet.

"Ah yes, the turd says that we are to expect six more weeks of winter".

But the best thing about this tradition, is that the the most famous groundhog, Punxsutawney Phil, is usually wrong, meaning if you were to take the exact opposite to whatever he 'decided', you'd have a greater chance of being right. A simple search on the Internet will reveal that this groundhog is wrong usually around 25-40% of the time.

Punxsutawney Phil, looking like his handler has just stuck his hand up poor Phil's arse. Now wonder he scares easily.

This makes me wonder if actually, the groundhog does have some magical weather detecting ability, but it's us humans have got the Myth wrong. It does seem stupid that if the weather is good, then winter will continue, but if it's bad, then spring is coming.

However, then we have to consider the fact that another famous groundhog, Chuck, who lives in New York, is accurate up to 85 percent of the time. Crazy!

Maybe it's where you live. However, regardless of this, wouldn't it be cool to live in your own groundhog day? Wouldn't it be cool to learn ice-sculpting, piano playing, and all the things you've ever wanted to learn but didn't have time? Finding out what it was like to jump off a building or drive your car into a quarry? You could do ANYTHING you've ever wanted to without any fear of consequence! Can you imagine how many times Bill Murray got Andie MacDowell really really drunk and slipped her the pink one-eye? A lot, I bet, along with most of the other women in town. How do you think Bill knows all their names?

Please Don't Rob Me!

2007-02-01T16:28:00.000Z

This morning, on my person, I had:

*My new motorbike.
Cost: Approximately £6000, but more like £7000.

*Motorbike leathers.
Cost: Approx £350

*Motorbike Boots.
Cost: £150

*Motorbike Gloves.
Cost: £90

*My Dell XPS Laptop.
Cost: Approx £2000 (I paid £1700)

*Dell Work Laptop.
Cost: Worth about £700 (I paid £0 - it belongs to work)

*An 8gb USB pendrive.
Cost: £110 (work bought this too)

*320Gb Hard Drive.
Cost: Approx £100

*300Gb Hard Drive.
Cost: Approx £100

*Garmin Zumo GPS.
Cost: £590 (I paid £490)

So...in total, today I'm carrying approximately £11,200 worth of stuff. And that doesn't even include the value of my life, which would probably take the total to around £11,210.77.

Also, I haven't included the cost of my underwear, cos I doubt anybody would want to steal that, apart from Jeff, and he's miles away in the old U.S of A, so I'm feeling cocky and safe.

Although, It would suck balls if I got struck by lightning though. Or robbed. Luckily, my motorbike will do around 175mph, and most people can't run that fast.

Why Hast Thou Left Me With Furry Teeth?

2007-01-31T08:25:00.000Z

I'm currently working in London, on a jolly we call Disaster Recovery. Basically we have to pretend that our data center has been blown up by terrorists, or attacked by Godzilla, that sort of thing.

We're staying in a nice 5 star hotel called the Park Inn.

After a hard day fighting off godzilla, I went back to my hotel room to have a bath before our nightly visit to the hotel bar. As I entered the bathroom I noticed that the bar of soap I had opened only yesterday had vanished, and been replaced by a brand new bar of soap, unopened in it's packet.

I assumed that this was because they are a posh hotel, and this is what posh hotels tend to do, at least from prior experience. However, I also noticed that the National Geographic magazine I was planning on stealing had also disappeared. I was a bit disappointed, as it had loads of cool pictures in, and some interesting articles too (although I mainly liked looking at the pretty pictures), and I was looking forward to enjoying my crime.

However, Karma must have sensed this upcoming misdemeanor, and couteracted accordingly. When I got back from the bar, I realised that this wasn't the only thing missing from my room. My toothbrush and toothpaste were also gone.

I couldn't believe it. Why would room service steal my toothbrush and toothpaste?

My imagination tells me that there's probably some asian room service girl getting jiggy with my toothbrush as I type, while I'm left with furry teeth.

Oh the irony.

I love Ham.

2007-01-30T15:53:00.000Z

The title says it all really.

Welcome (Part II)

2007-01-29T16:58:00.000Z

Morning people. Actually, scrub that, it's 4pm.

I haven't updated for a while. I'm a terrible person. I deserve to be sent to the 7th layer of hell, and have my ballsack covered in marmite. Note: I hate marmite.

Anyway, as I haven't updated for ages, I thought I'd better write something before everyone forgets I have a blog. Maybe I should have set a New Year's Resolution, but I don't do New Year's Resolutions. I believe that if people are unhappy with their life, they should try and change it, rather than wait for the most depressing time of the year before making their life more difficult. If you wanna change, just do it dammit!

So, the purpose of this blog post is a recap of my life. Lots has changed since I last posted, so here is the lowdown.

You should already know THE FACTS, so we'll move swiftly on...

I currently live in a two bedroomed flat on my lonesome. Here is the view from my front room, kitchen, and both the bedrooms:

Click pics for full size:

Occasionally, I even get to see a double rainbow...

I like my flat. It's nice and quiet. My flat is right on the top of the building, so there is nobody either side of my flat, meaning I don't get any noise from neighbours. Also, the guy below me doesn't live in his flat for most of the year, so I don't even have to worry about that. Besides that, all the floors are solid concrete, and my bedroom is directly above my front room and kitchen, so even when he is there, I'll still be undisturbed!

The only thing I don't like about the flat is that it's cold. Really cold. Sometimes it feels like it's actually colder inside than it is out. I think this is because there flat juts out on it's own, and the walls are literally just that - walls. No insulation, just walls. That and one out of four walls is made of glass probably doesn't help either.

However, all I really care about is being able to sleep and have a bit of peace and quiet, and my current place certainly offers that!

This is what I currently look like:

This was taken about a week ago in work. However, to keep everyone on their toes, today I shaved off my comedy pirate beard. Again. Haha, tricked!

Speaking of work I'm currently working as a Windows Server Systems Administrator. I used to be a Database Administrator, but after I told my boss that I'd rather cut off my hand than go to work, he helped me find a new role. I still don't like work. I think I'm allergic or something.

I've been working in IT for about 9 years now, and I think I'm sick of it. I want to work as a Flash animator, but there are no jobs anywhere near my hometime. We are right down the 'arse end' of the company, so there are barely any jobs at all down here, let alone anything fun like that. I would like to eventually start my own company doing animation, but in order to do that I need to get good. The clincher is that I can't start my own until I have experience as a flash animator, but there aren't any jobs about.
I've been practising on my own, but it's difficult spending all day doing something you hate, and then coming home and feeling so demotivated by my day at work I don't get much done in the evenings either.

Anyone got a job for me in Plymouth?

I've also bought a new bike. It's freaky sweet. I will tell you more about it in another post, but for now I'll just show you a couple of pics...

I'll post some better pictures in the more detailed post about my new motorbike another time.

Keira Knightley's Norks

2007-01-16T09:53:00.000Z

I've seen them. Have you?

Maltesers Production Methods - Revealed!!!

2007-01-15T08:21:00.000Z

That is all. Very busy currently. Some updates to follow soon.

Oh, and does anyone want to come with me to Jelly Jazz this Friday?

Controversy for 2007

2007-01-09T08:00:00.000Z

Well, here it is, my first post for 2007. I thought I'd start off the New Year by spreading some controversy. I was gonna tell you what I did for Christmas and New Year, but I didn't get any presents and I didn't do anything at all - so I wont, as it wouldn't make for a very interesting read.

Anyway, this morning, I got the following email message:

What Can You Do For Our Navy?
Quite a bit apparently...

Hi,
Please take a moment to look at the attached link. It's gen and all above board as it's part of the Prime Ministers website, so if you decide to take action, then do so without fear.

Although the cause is worthy, a successful result may well not be likely, (we are talking about HMG who know what's best for all of us(?)), but pass it on to everyone you know, both at home and at work.

The more names the better.

Remember your future depends on it!

http://petitions.pm.gov.uk/savethenavy/#detail

Here is my reply:

Why would I sign this? Living in a port town such as Plymouth, I can only encourage the dissolution of the Navy, the Navy has only ever done three things for me, and they're not at all positive:

Point one: The Navy has kindly inflicted pain on people I know, as they have been beat up, by drunk scumbags in matlow uniforms, on numerous occasions. If I couldn't talk my way out of almost anything, I'm sure I would have been another victim of too much testosterone, and far too little intelligence.

Point two: Saturated Nightclubs with hundreds of horny men who think the words "Grab your coat luv, you've pulled" is a masterpiece of poetic revelation. Whether or not they've pulled, they bring down the tone of the club, and towards the end of the evening will inevitably forget about being horny, and concentrate on point one - Inflicting as much pain as possible to some innocent passer by.

Point three: Like all the armed forces, the Navy protects us. Apparently. From what? Well, wars that we never wanted to be involved in for a start. Actually, I've only ever seen the Navy inflict pain and discomfort on UK citizens, not protect them.

So.... I for one WILL NOT be signing this, and I encourage you all to do the same. We don't need more armed forces to defend us from mythical enemies the US dreams up. Besides that, it costs much more to run the navy than jail, and based upon the behaviour of over half of the Navy, if you chucked em out of there, they'd more than likely end up in jail anyway, which would be better for everyone, and cheaper too!

My First Finished Flash animation!

2006-12-22T00:22:00.000Z

And it's just in time for Christmas!

As you all may know, I don't send out Christmas cards as I believe they are a waste of resources amongst other things.

I usually opt for finding some funny pictures of santa, but they're getting tired now, so I thought of making something myself.

As I taught myself a little flash about a year ago, I decided to put some of it to use. Please bear in mind that this is actually the first project I've seen through to completion, so if you think it's rubbish, it's cos it's my first attempt, and I completed it in 3 evenings! ;)

Anyway, here's to drunken fun over the Holiday period.

Have a good one.

Cheers,

Ryan

Was I drunk?

2006-12-17T10:38:00.000Z

Asked Jeff in the comments of my previous post.

Well, I'll show you the pictures, and you can decide.

It all started with beer, obviously, but then the Hat competition started to get out of hand. I suppose the 4 free bottles of wine per table didn't help the situation.

The girl in these pictures is Becky, girfriend of Geraint (he's the one that looks evil in the final picture). I've known them both since I was about 19 and used to frequent JFK's, Plymouth's rock club. Geraint now works about 30 feet away from me on my floor in the office, thus adding another notch to the argument that everyone in plymouth are only 2 degrees of separation, instead of 6.

It all started off quite innocently; I pulled a cracker, and donned the hat. Suprisingly, not everyone at my table wanted to wear theirs, so I took it upon myself to own and wear their Christmas apparel too.

Becky decided that she too would do the same, and like 'pieces of flair' it all got out of hand. I think I managed a total of about 5 hats, crowning me champion of the Bonce decoration, which was fairly impressive, considering by this stage I was having considerable trouble with the motor skills of most of my limbs.

How were your Christmas Parties?

PS - Sorry about the wait - I swear I thought I had posted this already!

How to make your Managing Director Smirk

2006-12-13T17:03:00.000Z

We have the work Christmas party tonight. For that reason there are loads of people in my office that aren't normally here. They've come to leech on the Christmas party, and who can blame them? Among them is the Managing Director of the entire IT department, we'll call him Pepé for good measure, and to protect his identity. Bear in mind that our IT Department has a budget of something like 70 million a year, so it's no small outfit, and Pepé is in charge of all of it.

At last year's Christmas party, I left the house with £40 in my pocket. After an unspecified time, and an unspecified number of free beers later (you'd be suprised the number of people who gave me their free drink vouchers) I arrived back home, with £38. I had no idea how I arrived home, which just how I like it. Someone in the office told me today that I got a taxi back with them last year, which would probably explain the disappearance of that two pounds.

Anyway, my boss asked me if I had any Bullet points for the past week. Bullet points are needed for a report that goes to management, and generally include important pieces of work or work that affects the business. I hadn't done any work worthy of mention on the Bullets list, so instead I offered the following,

"I'm gonna get pissed tonight"

My Boss grinned and suggested that this point probably isn't needed on the bullets list. Not to be outdone, I said,

"I'm gonna get PISSED tonight"

This still wasn't enough apparently.

"I'm gonna get REALLY PISSED tonight", I offered in a sing-song tone. "Really Really REALLY pissed!"

This went on for a while.

Meanwhile, beind me and one desk to my left, Pepé is looking at his phone, and trying not to laugh. he looks up catches the eye of the person opposite and says, "This should be interesting...."

I of course was completely oblivious to all of this, and I only found out because not one, but three of my colleagues had seen Pepé's reaction and thought it was so funny they came to tell me.

Note: I've read through this post, and it has occurred to me that this whole topic isn't half as funny second hand. Ah well, be grateful I've even posted - I've just moved house, and I STILL don't have an internet connection!

Hopefully the cable guy will come tomorrow, and I shall be back in the world of the intarweb.

Who needs talkin', Hawkin?

2006-12-08T17:52:00.000Z

I remember hearing about this in the tabloids aaaages ago, but in work, when discussing theoretical physics, the topic sort of worked it's way back to smut, as it usually does. This then reminded me of the following, but then as per usual nobody believed me, so I had to go find proof.

Instead of me telling you what I'm talking about, I'll let the transcript from a BBC podcast and a couple of pictures tell the story....

Rob - It’s absolutely brilliant, I was lucky enough to interview Peter Stringfellow last week...

Mat - Whoa

Rob - Yeah, lucky enough - and he’s a very charming man actually, I’d heard he was very obnoxious he was actually very nice. And one of the questions I asked him was who’s the favourite customers you’ve ever had at Stringfellows, and he said to me well, Professor Stephen Hawking...

Mat - What?!

Rob - ...and I said what? The Professor Stephen Hawking went to Stringfellows? And he said yeah and the first thing he thought was that it was a look-alike.

Mat and Liz - [laughter]

Rob - which would look a bit stupid, and even more bizarrely Professor Stephen Hawking was accompanied by Callum Best who I believe was the co author of A Brief History of Time…

Mat - Eh!?

Liz - [laughter]

Rob - The two of them where together anyway and Peter String fellow told me that he was a obviously little bit flummoxed, he didn’t really know, you know, does Professor Stephen Hawking do small talk? What should he do? So Peter invited him over to his table and said “well, it’s a great privilege to have you in the club Professor Stephen Hawking, we can talk about your book if you like, or would you rather just go and have a lap dance?”. In a rather laconic manner through his voicebox Stephen Hawking just said “the girls”, and just wheeled himself off and had a half hour lap dance with a 19 year old called Tiger.

Nice one Stephen, even if these photos do look like you've been eating out of someone's arse.

What is that brown stuff around his mouth and on his teeth anyway? Ideas anyone?

Maybe it's just the image quality, although if I had to guess, I'd probably say it was some of Quantum Gateux, like black forest gateux. 'Black Forest' could be a spacial term, if you apply enough imagination....

Microsoft Firefox

2006-12-07T13:46:00.000Z

Hold Crap Batman!

http://www.msfirefox.com/

That is all.

Takeaway Tribulations

2006-11-22T17:32:00.000Z

I had a couple of friends over last night, and after spending ages discussing what pizza to have, and then signing up for the dominos website, we realised that the pizzas are now extortionately priced, with a medium pizza costing around £14. Well they can kiss my glorious golden arse, because for that much I'd expect to find platinum flakes on my pizza.

So I hunted around the new flat, and lo and behold, I found a chinese takeaway menu! I rock.

me: Bloop bleep bloop bloop blerb bloop (dials number)
No.1: Lumberone.
me: Is this No.1 Chinese takeaway?
No.1: Yes, Lumber One.
Me: Excellent, I found this menu in the drawer at my flat, and it's over a year old, so I was a little concerned that you wouldn't still be there.
No.1: Ahh. We are still here.
Me: Excellent. Well anyway, can I order some food please?
No.1: For derivery or correction?
Me: For Delivery please.
No.1: Ok, what your Postcode please?
Me: PL2 1DL
No.1: You sure that right? It not come up. Is PL2 1 D for dog, L for lion?
Me: Yes, dog and lion. It's Unsuprising it didn't come up, I'm in a new building, and nobody's computer system seems to find it either. Although it's possible Although actually maybe I'm remembering wrong. Try PL1 2DL.
No.1: PL1 2 Dog and Lion again?
Me: Yes.
No.1: No, not found.
Me: Ok try this postcode instead. *gives postcode*
No.1: No, that no good. Ok, what your house number?
Me: 237.
No.1: And road name?
Me: Albert Road.
No.1: ......
Me: I'm actually flat 82.
No.1: Are you in new building across the road?
Me: ..........ummmmm.....are you in Albert Road?
No.1: Yes.
Me: *Checks chinese menu (hadn't thought of it before).* Ah, I didn't realise you were so close. In that case can I have the food for collection
No.1: Correction?
Me: Yes, collection.

I then spent the next 5 minutes fucking up the order and getting all my menu numbers mixed up. I eventually placed my order, and was told to come and collect it in about 5-10 minutes.

When I went down, I realised that the takeway was no more than twenty steps away on the other side of the road, and that they could see the building from the takeaway, even if their computer couldn't find the postcode. My friends laughed their asses off, and then complained that I made them come with me for a twenty step outing for chinese.

I felt a right pratt picking up the food because of all the problems with the postcode and the order. The girl must have thought I was retarded.

And to top it all off, I still fucked up the order, and so we only got one rice dish.

The takeaway was lovely though.

Another New Gaff

2006-11-15T20:11:00.000Z

Haha! Tricked! I bet you didn't think you'd be getting an update ever again did you?

Well, finally, here one is. It's not been sooner, because I've been moving house, I'm a lazy git, I no longer have an internet connection (see below for more on this), and I had to rid my shoes of a Mongolian family that had taken up residence in them.

Anyway, news....

I've moved house. For those of you who aren't British, Gaff is slang for house/home/place to live. I had a look on the net for a link I could point you at, but I couldn't find one in the 30 seconds I searched, so I thought I'd better explain. And there it was.

I'm now living on my own in my "American Psycho Batchelor Pad" as Foss likes to put it. I moved because the place I was in was too small for 3 people, the walls were too thin (who wants to hear their flatmates going at it, epecially when you can't remember the last time you had some?!?). I felt cramped and unhappy, and I was starting to come home and take it out on my flatmates. I figured it would be best for everyone's friendship if I left, or else I was in danger of ruining it all.

Besides that, I'm getting on quite a bit closer to 30 than I am to 20 now, so I figured it was about time I got a place on my own. I haven't lived on my own for a good 7 or 8 years, so I figured it really was about time.

Here are some pictures of the new place I'm renting:

The Lobby

Lobby looking down

The main room, plus the kitchen at the far end off to the right

The same room, from the kitchen end looking in.

The kitchen

View from the kitchen

Bedroom 1 (upstairs)

Bedroom 1 again

Bedroom 2 (upstairs)

A very basic panorama. This is the view from the kitchen/main room, both balconies (there's one on each level) and the bedrooms have this view too.

There's also a bathroom on each level, and they're posh and shiny, but all nice bathrooms look the same to me - like hotel room bathrooms. Imagine that, and you don't need a picture. I'm saving you bandwidth, and I'm saving my neighbour's unsecured access point's bandwidth too. Don't worry, I'm not abusing it, I'm only connecting for brief periods of time to check my email and stuff! It's really useful!

Right, I'm tired now, and I can't be bothered to write any more at present. Thanks all for bearing with me while I delivered such update, especially Meep, whom I promised an update on at least two different occasions, and then failed to deliver. :)

However, I still have more news for you, but I will save that for tomorrow or the day after.

For example: although I have just moved into this new luxury flat, I might be moving out again within the month! How can this be?

You'll just have to wait!!! Bwahahahaaaaa!!!111oneoneone11!!

Lonely Hearts

2006-11-02T12:22:00.000Z

Every week, thousands of lonely hearts ads are placed in newspapers and magazines. But perhaps it's surprising that some of the most witty appear in the pages of the highbrow London Review Of Books. The column was established by the magazine eight years ago and attracts more imaginative messages than the usual 'WLTM' variety. A new book has collected some of the most amusing - and desperate...

I LIKE my women the way I like my kebab. Found by surprise after a drunken night out and covered in too much tahini. Before long I'll have discarded you on the pavement of life, but until then you're the perfect complement to a perfect evening. Man, 32. Rarely produces winning metaphors.

LIST your ten favourite albums. I don't want to compare notes, I just want to know if there's anything worth keeping when we finally break up. Practical, forward-thinking man, 35.

YOU'RE buying me dinner doesn't mean I'll have sex with you. I probably will have sex with you, though. Honesty not an issue with opportunistic male, 38.

BRUNHILDE of Stockport, desperately waiting for hunky bloke up to 40 to pull her from ignominious fire of full-time lecturing. Must have some understanding of the vagaries of womanhood and the engines of S-reg Polos.

MY FINGER on the pulse of culture, my ear to the ground of philosophy, my hip in the medical waste bin of Glasgow Royal Infirmary, 14 per cent plastic and counting - geriatric brainiac and compulsive NHS malingering fool (M. 81), looking for richer, older, sex-starved woman on the brink of death to exploit and ruin every replacement operation I've had since 1974. Quickly, the clock's ticking, and so is this pacemaker.

SINISTER-LOOKING man with a face that only a mother would love: think of an ageing Portillo with a beard and you have my better-looking twin. Sweetie at heart, though. Nice conversation, great for dimly-lit romantic meals. Better in those Welsh villages where the electricity supply can't be guaranteed. Charitable women to 50 appreciated.

MATURE gentleman, 62, aged well, noble grey looks, fit and active, sound mind and unfazed by the fickle demands of modern society seeks. . . damn it, I have to pee again.

TIRED of feeling patronised by the ads in this column? Then I'm not the woman for you, little man. Today you may be benighted and insignificant, tomorrow you will be more so. Now off you go.

BALD, short, fat and ugly male, 53, seeks short-sighted woman with tremendous sexual appetite.

DISREPUTABLE, mean, ruthless, perverse, hateful wretch. But what do divorce lawyers know? Woman, 40s, marketing director for major international publishing firm, London/SE, you'll soon find that I'm the finest fellow breathing. Just take time out to get to know me.

FROM now on I'm only going to reply to my own ads. That's because I'm funnier and better-looking than any of you. Publicist F. 29.

I'VE DIVORCED better men than you. And worn more expensive shoes than these. So don't think placing this ad is the biggest come-down I've ever had to make. Sensitive F.

MEET the new me. Like the old me only less nice after three ads without any sexual intercourse. 42-year-old fruitcake (F).

ROMANCE is dead. So is my mother. Man, 42, inherited wealth.

BASTARD. Complete and utter. Whatever you do, don't reply - you'll only regret it. (Man, 38)

CONGRATULATIONS! You are the thousandth reader to pass this ad by. Your prize is to pay for dinner and listen to me bitch about my university colleagues until pub turfing-out time. And no, you don't get sex. Ever. Ever, ever, ever. Sensitive F. 38.

SO MANY men to choose from, so few vitamin supplements. Arthritic F. 73.

SAVE it - anything you've got to say can be said to my lawyer. But if you're not my ex-wife, why not write to Box No5377. I enjoy vodka, canasta, evenings in, and cold, cold revenge.

THIS ad is not an attempt to find a partner. It is a Guinness attempt at a record number of rejections. Realistically, however, I'll probably fail, being as I'm the most gorgeous man in here, have better hair than everybody else, and am fluent in 17 languages (of which half are no longer in use).

MAN, 32. Golden nutritious wheat in a rotting column of chaff.

ALL I need is the air that I breathe and to love you. And a five-door saloon (fully air-con). And a minimum income of £55k per annum. And two holidays a year (Latin America, plus one other of my choosing). If you can meet these requirements, apply to 'Evil Dragon Lady, Breaker Of Men's Constitutions' (37).

SLUT in the kitchen, chef in the bedroom. Woman with mixed priorities (37) seeks man who can toss a good salad.

IT ONLY takes a minute, girl. Not to fall in love, but to realise how futile it is to expect a normal relationship from these ads. With that in mind I'm after a juggling, tromboneblowing F in the finest gold lamé this side of Elvis (you're not a day older than 97).

MY CHRISTMAS DAY TV schedule includes a pause in transmission at 3.52pm for me to cry into the sleeve of the cardigan I bought myself. Unless you want to meet up and have crazy post-turkey sex? No? No? Man, 34.

PLOUGHING the loneliest furrow. Nineteen personal ads and counting. Only one reply. It was my mother telling me not to forget the bread on my way home from B&Q. Man, 51.

TODAY we are kittens, but tomorrow we are tigers. Confused zoologist (F. 34).

LADIES: apply now for opportunity to make love with Roman gladiator (bankrupt publisher, 5ft 2in, but every bit a man).

CELEBRATE 37 years of me this coming October 20! Send cash, candles and intimate items of underwear to lonely Libran lawyer, Leicester, struggling with some of life's cruellest alliterations.

WILL you sleep with me? Knowing is half the battle. Man, neither the time nor the inclination for subtleties.
This one's my favourite. It reminds me of me, more than you'd know! :)

NARCISSISTIC man, 32. If you're better-looking than me (and I doubt it), why not write?

MY MIND is a globe of excitement. My heart is an atlas of generosity. My body is a map of struggle. You can camp out on the flat heaths, but careful where you tread and remember to close all gates behind you.

AKELA of desire (F. 38) seeks orienteering M to 45 for nights of bluster and queuing for the showers

I AM the best-kept secret in Paignton.

WHAT I want from you: goosebumps with your poetic analysis of the seemingly trivial; laughter with your cutting down to size of the overstated; tears at the touch of our hands as we stand watching the waves roll out; shame at your superior knowledge of pre-1972 naval insignia. Perennial deckhand on love's roughest ocean (M. 47, Fleetwood) seeks Hattie Jacquesatsea for barrack stanchion shenanigans.

CLASSICS lecturer (F. 53) wishes she had Beyonce's stomach, bling and movement. Though not necessarily her appreciation of lyric poetry. I want a soldier, or else any sane man within M25.

ARE You Kate Bush? Write to obsessive man (36). Note, people who aren't Kate Bush need not respond.

STICKS and stones may break my bones but names will never hurt me. Do you find your legal representation inadequate? I once did - in 1992 - but now I'm ready again for love. Write to me, man, 47, Reading.

MUST all the women in my life take the witness stand? Serial embezzler, gangster, fly-tipper and - crucially for the prosecution against an otherwise watertight defence - bigamist (M. 48) WLTM easygoing, dizzy fems to 50 who don't ask too many questions (it's a business trip - I'll be back Tuesday week).

SEPTEMBER 5 is the anniversary of my divorce. So, too, are November 17, January 12, March 8 and June 21. Summer is usually much quieter - take advantage of the sunshine and lawyers' vacation periods by dating impatient, money-grabbing PR senior (F. 39)

UNIVERSITY lecturer in Russian literature (male, 57). Great legs.

I LIKE you because you read magazines with big words. And you've got great boobies. I can live without the first. But the second is non-negotiable. Shallow man, 34. When I say 'shallow', I mean, damn.

STROGANOFF. Boysenberry. Frangipani. Words with their origins in people's names. If your name has produced its own entry in the OED then I'll make love to you. If it hasn't, I probably will anyway, but I'll only want you for your body. Man of too few distractions, 32.

JUNOESQUE, blonde, 52-year-old provocative sex moggy (still with own fur, fully inoculated and housetrained) seeks similar male to scratch under her chin at night. Must be able to write own name (on own cheque book a bonus). Previous applicants need not apply.

REPLY to this advert, then together we can face the harsh realities of my second mortgage. M. 38, WLTM woman to 70 with active credit cards.

ATTENTION male readers 'Greetings, Earthling - I have come to infest your puny body with legions of my spawn' is no way to begin a reply. F. 36 - suspicious of any men declaring themselves to be in possession of a 'great sense of humour'.

• EXTRACTED from They Call Me Naughty Lola by David Rose

Flock, My Halloween Tie and stuff.

2006-10-31T17:31:00.000Z

Freaky sweet. I'm currently using a new web browser for blogging, they call it Flock.
Flock has functions that tie in really nicely with both Blogger as well as Photobucket.

This makes it really easy to upload photos and then blog about them, or anything really. You can upload your photos by dragging them directly from explorer to the Photobucket toolbar built in. The blogging function appears as a separate window and gives you the option to view the composer or the source html much like blogger's website does. The only thing missing from the blogging option is to pick out photos from your Photobucket library and have the code inserted automagically.

This isn't really needed though, as getting the location for your images is as simple as right-clicking on the required picture in the Photobucket toolbar. The blog post also stays 'on top' of the regular flock window too, so it really is very easy getting inserting the photos you want and editing your blog post using flock.

Nice Nice McNiceyNiceNice. Less effort should in theory mean that I'll blog more.

Today is Halloween, at least that's what someone in the canteen at work said this morning. Although I haven't checked the date, the person is fairly reliable, and I'm inclined to trust him on this occasion. As it's Halloween, I decided to wear my Halloween tie:

From a distance, it looks like I've chirruped some puke on to my tie.

I thought I'd better prove to the masses that it really is my tie, hence a picture of me at work. The ground isn't always that slanted. Also, if you look carefully, you can just see my tongue, which I'm poking out just a touch, for some reason. What a sexual treat!

Also, today was a good day of photographs of myself, as I was feeling very photogenic. I don't consider myself to be much of an oil painting (except maybe a Picasso), but I find photos generally make me look especially hideous.

However, when I was trying to get photos of my tie, I kept getting photos of myself instead, and damn, I looked good!
In fact, out of all the photos I took, I was only unhappy with one, and unhappy isn't really the right word, as I snorted a little bit of my cup of tea when I saw it.

I spose I'd better show you, for comedy sake.

I really don't remember pulling that face!

Curse you for making me embarrass myself!

EDIT: I've just needed to edit this post, as I was a muppet and I had made a mistake with my html. Upon opening this post and viewing it, the code I had written now looks like a car crash, with span styles and div tags all over the place. Hmm. The blogging option in flock is convenient, but nasty if you need to make changes to entries you've already written with flock.

Awesome Gaming Chairs.

2006-10-27T22:09:00.000+01:00

I swear that I have an update on the way, it's just taking it's time!

I'm moving into my new place in a week, and I was idly thinking that I really could do with some furniture as the place is monstrous, and the only furniture I own now is my sofabed and the big piece of smoked glass I'm using as a table (it's resting on 4 upside-down metal waste paper baskets/bins) - looks pretty classy despite how it sounds!

But why buy myself an ordinary chair, I wonder to myself, when I can buy a chair with convergence? Who needs an boring seat for simple sitting? Peasants, perhaps? Not me, that's for sure. I want a chair that will pleasingly throb beneath me (there's no sexual euphemisms there, honest), or blast out the sounds of stuff, like movies and games, or badly dubbed porn. At least I think I want one. I'm convincing myself more by the second. I really do make a compelling argument to myself.

Anyway, I came across (not literally) a couple of chairs that look good I thought I'd show them to you.

The Pyramat S2000. It has a 5" built in subwoofer in the back, which "makes you feel every explosion" apparently. It's also got speakers on the top, for that surround sound experience. Except that it doesn't seem to have any sort of optical input. also, the version sold in the uk looks like this:

Not particularly aesthetic would be a understatement.

Another couple of chairs up, are the Ultimate Gaming Chairs. Well, one is called the Ultimate Gaming Chair, and the other one is too, except it also goes by the name Raptor. Let me introduce them.

The Raptor. It has a whole host of features, the text of which I've nicked from the official site:

· 12 Vibration Motors, Synchronized Game Action
· Plugs Into Your Home Theater For Full Surround Sound
· Plug In Your Head Phones MP3 Player
· Plug In Steering Wheels & Your Other Controllers
· Adjustable Volume Control & Vibration Levels
· Backrest Folds Forward For Easy Storage
· Compatible With PS2, Xbox, USB 2.0
· Beverage & Remote Control Holder
· Pullout Storage Compartment
· Multiple Massage Chair Settings
· Reclining Action For Ultra Control
· Adjustable 3D Stereo Speakers
· Adjustable Ground Effects Lighting
· Adjustable Neck Rest
· Stain Resistant Fabric

This baby costs £225. But actually, not all those features belong to this chair. I'm not sure which ones belong to the Raptor, and which ones belong to the following chair. Every website I've visited have the features of the two chairs listed together.

The Ultimate Gaming chair. See the list above for features. It costs £350 mind you.

However, my main purpose of this blog post was to show you the following. I discovered it whilst looking for gaming chairs. Follow the link and look at the video half way down the page.

Amazing!!!

If you still haven't clicked the link, here's a pic to pique your interest:

Another random joke

2006-10-13T17:27:00.000+01:00

I'm sorry for all the random jokes, and not much personal bloggage (if that's not a word, it is now goddammit), but it's so much easier to blog funny emails than it is to write brand new funky fresh content like I'm doing now. However a real update is on the cards soon, as I have lots of exciting news! Wooo!

In the meantime, please enjoy this joke, which made me guffaw like a really fat jolly man. Santa, for instance. Dammit, that analogy wasn't as smooth as it should have been. Ah well, here's the joke:

A tourist walked into a Brighton curio/antique shop. After looking around for a while, he noticed a very life-like bronze statue of a rat. It had no price tag, but it was so striking that he decided to have it anyway. So he took it to the owner and said: "How much is this bronze rat?"

The owner replied: "It is £12 for the rat, and £100 for the story."

Well the tourist gave the man his £12 and said: "I'll just take the rat - you can keep the story."

As he walked off down the street, he noticed that a few real rats had crawled out of the sewers and begun following him.

This was a little disconcerting, so he started to walk a little faster, but within a couple of blocks the swarm of rats had grown to hundreds, and they were all squealing & screeching in a very menacing way. He increased his speed & ran on towards the beach, and as he ran, he looked behind him and saw the rats now numbered in their MILLIONS, and they were running faster & faster. By now very concerned, he ran to the edge of the sea and threw the bronze rat far out into the water. Amazingly, the millions of real rats jumped into the water after it and were all drowned.

The man walked back to relate all this to the shop owner, who said:

"Ah, you've come back for the story then!"

"No," said the tourist - "I came back to see if you've got a bronze Muslim fundamentalist cleric, and anything French.

The Best Joke I've heard today....

2006-10-11T17:15:00.000+01:00

A man pulls into a a multi-story car park and parks his car in a disabled space. As he's getting out of the car, a parking attendant comes rushing over to him. "You can't park there" she gasped.

"Why not?" Said the man.

"Because it's for disabled people, and you don't have a badge"

"But I have disabilities..." he replied.

"So what are they?" Demanded the parking attendant.

"Tourettes. Now fuck off."

Last day as an Ubergeek!

2006-10-06T12:27:00.000+01:00

Well, maybe. :) I don’t remember if I’ve told you any of this, because I’ve been more than a little slack when it comes to writing my blog recently.

Well anyway, A couple of months ago I said my boss, “When I wake up in the morning, my first cognitive thought is usually regarding whether or not it is worth chopping off a digit to get out of work. Most days I think that it would definitely be worth it, and all I’ve been doing since is working up the courage to nip off a baby finger or something.”

I think this was an early indication to my boss that I wasn’t too happy in my role.

I’ve been an Oracle DBA for nearly 4 years now. Equally, I’ve hated Oracle for about the same time. I love my team, the people I work with are loons, and I fit in nicely. However I find the work so incredibly boring that I’d rather peel off my eyelids and watch my fingernails grow than I would do Oracle work.
For this reason I am also not very good at Oracle. Considering that I’ve been doing this four years, I should be a lot better than I am at my job. Don’t get me wrong, I can get by, and I’m probably still better than the majority of contractors out there, like all those indian guys who work for Cap Gemini, who can barely speak English, let alone work well in an English speaking environment. And I haven’t even started on their badly written code….!

So, as you may be able to tell, I find my job boring. Truth is that I’d rather stare at my desk than read about Oracle, and this is why I’m not as good as I should be.

It’s all a vicious circle really:

• I don’t like my job because it makes me feel stupid.
• It makes me feel stupid because I’m not very good at it.
• I’m not very good at it because I find the topic dryer than Jacobs Crackers in a bag of sand.
• Because I find the topic so incredibly boring and dry, I can never read any more than about a paragraph of an Oracle book before I want to stab myself in the chest with a spoon, just to wake me up.
• So I find it hard to learn Oracle, which in turn makes me feel stupid, which leads me back to the first point.

However, thanks be to my boss, I’m starting a new role - although he’s probably just thankful to get me out of his team to be honest.

On Monday, I start a new job within the company. I will be a SysAdmin. Career wise, it’s a step down from my current role, despite what my managers tell me. The fact remains that Oracle DBAs get paid around £45-50K up country (there’s very few IT jobs in my area) and SysAdmins only get paid around £25-30K. However, I won’t really lose out as long as I continue to work for my current company, because even if you move roles, they don’t take money away from you. Technically, I could go work in the post room for my current salary, although I doubt the company would be too happy about it! 

So, I’m losing a career a little bit, but on the other side, I had no long term prospects as an Oracle DBA anyway, so I haven’t really lost out too much. I think I’d be better off as a Guru at my new job, than as a useless waster at my old job. Besides that, I used to fix PCs for a living, and SysAdmin is kind of natural progression from that, so at least I’ll be able to hit the ground running, unlike Oracle, where I was brand new to Unix, VMS, Sql/plsql, etc etc. Also, I have a fairly well rounded CV in IT now – when I eventually get out of this country, I shouldn’t have too much trouble getting myself a new job….

They say a change is as good as a rest, so I’m looking forward to my new role.

Wish me luck!

What the frig is this?!?

2006-10-05T08:53:00.000+01:00

I was browsing the internet the other day (revolutionary!) and I came across this website, although not literally.

http://www.izirobotics.co.kr/english/products_03.html

I think it's either some bizarre form of self protection, like a stun gun from the future, or it's a pirate catching device.

However, the english text on this website makes less sense than George Bush without a prewritten speech.

I must get me one of these, my stuffed pirate army is getting a bit stagnant.

Sluts in the Financial Times

2006-10-04T09:01:00.000+01:00

As I am a gentleman of exceptional class and finesse, I like to mose around sampling the delights my splendid life. However, I occasionally have to look down and slum it with the plebs. When I do, I read such publications as the financial times magazine, to blend in with the 'common folk', so they won't look at me, and say, "look at that exception man with his well to-do ways and his impeccable manners and grace and suchlike."

Except they wouldn't say that, that was my translation of something along the lines of, "Oi chek out da man wiv 'is posh stuff that I culd nik and by me some burberry boxer shorts and kappa shoes, init".

Anyway, I digress. Well, on Sunday, I was reading the Financial times magazine. Here's a picture, I know you lesser folk have probably never laid eyes on one of these.

Ah, I'm still kind of digressing. As chance would have it, I was bored, and flicking through the magazine when I came to the classified section. As I was flicking past, the words Nubien Princess jumped out at me.

"Why would the words Nubian Princess be in the classifieds?" thought I.

Here is why.

Knight with Charger? What a great euphemism.... I'd like to joust some women with my charger, I'll tell you that for nothing.

It would appear that the FT main readers are either women looking for rich men to have sex with for a kept lifestyle (basically hookers), or just plain weird.

To me, the words 'mutually rewarding times' means sex for him, and lots of cash to buy stuff for her...maybe I'm being cynical...

At least hookers admit they're having sex for money, these girls don't even do that!

Here's a few more or the more interesting entries I found that day.

Sluts! All of them! I can't believe she had the nerve to ask for a sugar daddy! Although that Pochahontas lookalike has peaked my interest. You know what they say - Once you go Asian, you never go Caucasian. Pity I'm not tall.

Honestly, who says 'Dangerous Liasons' nowadays?

This is just plain scary. I can't imagine she got many replies to this....!

Alternatively, I'd like to be a kept man, and I'm not sure "how low I'd go" so if anyone wants to be my 'sugar mommy' please send me a photo, and I'll try and decide on a suitable 'ugliness to cash' ratio that I could accept.

National Yemen Day!

2006-09-26T12:05:00.000+01:00

In Yemen of course. Hooray for September 26th.

In celebration, here's a Jewish themed joke:

Did you hear about the blind circumsizer?

He got the sack.

Although it's not as good as another joke someone told me earlier:

Why did the baker have brown hands?

He kneaded a poo.

ActionScript killed John Lennon.

2006-09-21T21:42:00.000+01:00

It didn't really, I'm not entirely sure why I wrote that. I think it's because I've had little sleep, and I've been staring at a monitor screen for the majority of my waking hours over the last couple of days.

I'm still trying to do my site, and as per usual, I'm trying to do far too much for my first attempt. I'm currently drowing in actionscript. I do have to admit to you that I'm not really much of coder, instead prefering to dream up great ideas and then sit back do nothing, hoping the idea will just materialise.
Coding kind of makes me wanna remove people's fingers - it never quite works they way you expect it to (to start with at least), and the problem is usually something as basic as a missing semicolon that takes 4 hours to find.

Still, if I wanna make really funkeh websites, then I'll need to learn this, but man, is it a bitch. I wish there was a way to see all the actionscript on all the keyframes at once, cos I'm forever forgetting where I've put stuff.

I also have no idea when to use certain elements for navigation. To start with, I created everything in one big timeline, then as I got more content, I realised I should be creating scenes. So I did that, and came up against limitations, that after more research led me to believe the best way for me to navigate my site is by using seperate movies.

So I set this up, and now nothing quite works, again. I got everything working, so I added some animations for scene/movie transitions, and that broke everything again. So I then spent ages fixing it, and added a preloader. That shafted everything, and now I'm in a whole load of jumble, and I'm kind of lost inside my own flash file.

Arg! Actionscript didn't kill John Lennon, but it might kill me. Although this frigging beanbag isn't helping things either.

Obviously Not A Real Ninja...

2006-09-20T11:37:00.000+01:00

Athens(reuters) - A Greek bank robber armed with ninja throwing stars finally ran out of moves on Tuesday when police arrested him after an Athens bank robbery.
ADVERTISEMENT

Petros Onen, 49, had held up 11 small suburban bank branches making away with 50,000 euros (33,866 pounds) in recent months, threatening to throw his razor-sharp, palm-size stars -- made famous by the Japanese ninja warriors -- at cashiers, police said.

His luck ran out when undercover policemen at the last bank he robbed followed him home and arrested him with his loot, his throwing stars, a fake gun and a list of other bank branches.

All I can say is that if he was followed home, then he wasn't a real ninja. Unless he was acidentally wearing his LA Gear trainers, with the flashing lights in the heels.

How to Become a Goverment Hitman

2006-09-18T11:33:00.000+01:00

Does anybody know how to achieve this? It's a career path I've been thinking about for a while, only it's difficult getting my foot in the door.

Does anyone know anyone who could give me a job like this? Alternatively if the goverment (doesn't matter which one) needs a new contract killer, but doesn't want to pay premium rates for an experienced hitman, please hire me! I'd happily accept a junior hitman position, and training me up would be much cheaper than getting a guru in, like Leon.

Please contact me if you have any jobs for me. Lord knows I could do with the pay, the travel, and above all, the excitement.

I'm sure you know how to get hold of me.

Today=Stuff.

2006-09-11T15:38:00.000+01:00

I've had quite a good day today in terms of stuff.

It's not every day I go to get a cup of tea, and return to my desk One Hundred English Pounds richer, but today I did. If this happened every day, I'd be minted.

I went in town at lunchtime, and took back Prey, and got Test Drive Unlimited. As I said to Foss earlier:

"I’ve played the demo of TDU – you drive around an open ended world, and then challenge other people driving round online. It’s great for checking your testosterone levels, cos when someone goes speeding past you, your body pumps you full of it, and then you go “Right, I’m not having that, I must win!” and then burn off after him. If you then wanna make it official, you can challenge them to a race."

It was a toss up between this game and Dead Rising, but I've heard some bad things about the whole save system on Dead Rising, so I'll probably end up renting it instead.

What else do I have today? Well, I've bought a new Laptop, a Dell M1710. I'll post a full review in a couple of days, once I've done appropriate testing and picture taking. That should be arriving here in work at any moment. Why isn't it here yet, goddammit?

I've also taken delivery of my lapinator plus. It's not nearly as exciting as the laptop, or the xbox 360 game I've bought, but it is still mildly interesting, and will let me use my new laptop on my lap, without searing my balls, which is always a plus.

Tomorrow, I'm hoping to get my new mouse. Since I have a gaming laptop, I figured I probably

should have a gaming mouse too, so I've bought me a green Razer Copperhead. They're freaky sweet mice, apparently.

So I'm feeling a bit skint, but like they say, Money can't buy happiness. Actually, they're kinda right. It can't allow you to buy happiness, but it will allow you to rent it.

Like Clare Boothe Luce says, "Money can't buy happiness, but it can make you awfully comfortable while you're being miserable."

And finally, like I say, "Money Can't buy happiness, but it can buy you things that will make
you happy, like drugs, laptops, hookers and giant bean bags. "

The most interesting conversation I've had in work today

2006-09-07T15:47:00.000+01:00

Me: Morning all.
All: Morning.
Me: I've got something to get your brain going this morning... name three fish that begin and end with the letter 'K'.
Mark: Ummmmm.....
Me: Got any yet?
Mark: Ummmmm.....
Me: Want me to tell you?
Mark: Alright then.
Me: Ok, number one - Killer Shark.
Mark: Of course. Number two?
Me: Number two - Kwik Save Smoked Haddock.
Mark: Okaaaay.... Number Three?
Me: Number three - Kilmarnock.
Mark: But Kilmarnock's a place...
...damn you.

Hahahaha! Suckers! :D

"E's a whoppa, let's poke 'im with a steek..."

2006-09-04T12:55:00.000+01:00

World famous wildlife warrior Steve Irwin has died in a freak accident on the Great Barrier Reef, killed by a stingray barb which pierced his chest.

Friends believe the Crocodile Hunter, 44, may have died instantly when struck by the stingray while filming a sequence for his eight-year-old daughter Bindi's new TV series.

The TV star and naturalist's final, fatal confrontation with a wild animal occurred in shallow water at Batt Reef off Port Douglas on Monday morning.

Unconscious, he was pulled aboard his research vessel, Croc One, for a 30-minute dash to Low Isle, where an emergency helicopter had been summoned at about 11am, his Australia Zoo said in a statement.

The crew of the Croc One performed constant CPR during the voyage to Low Isle, but medical staff pronounced Mr Irwin dead about noon.

Mr Irwin's death was only the third known stingray death in Australian waters, said shark and stingray expert Victoria Brims.

Wildlife experts said the normally passive creatures only sting in defence, striking with a bayonet-like barb when they feel threatened or are trodden on.

Those with Mr Irwin say he was swimming in shallow water, snorkelling as his cameraman filmed large bull rays.

"He came over the top of a stingray and the stingray's barb went up and went into his chest and put a hole into his heart," said Mr Irwin's friend and manager John Stainton.

Mr Stainton said he and Mr Irwin were in north Queensland to film a new documentary called Ocean's Deadliest.

"It's likely that he possibly died instantly when the barb hit him, and I don't think that he ... felt any pain.

"He died doing what he loved best."

Mr Irwin's body was flown to a morgue in Cairns, where stunned family and friends were gathering on Monday night.

His American-born wife Terri was told of her husband's death while on a walking tour in Tasmania, and has returned to the Sunshine Coast with her two children, Bindi and three-year-old son Bob.

The death of the larger than life Mr Irwin, best known for his catchcry "Crikey!", caused shockwaves around the world, leading TV bulletins in the United States and Britain.

He was one of Australia's best known personalities internationally and a valuable ambassador for the nation and its wildlife.

Mr Irwin was also a global phenomenon, making almost 50 documentaries which appeared on the cable TV channel Animal Planet, and which generated books, interactive games and even toy action figures.

Prime Minister John Howard, once lauded by Mr Irwin as the world's greatest leader, said: "I am quite shocked and distressed at Steve Irwin's sudden, untimely and freakish death. It's a huge loss to Australia.

"He was a wonderful character. He was a passionate environmentalist. He brought joy and entertainment and excitement to millions of people."

"He was a great Australian," added Tourism Australia chairman Tim Fischer.

Mourners laid flowers at the entrance of Mr Irwin's Australia Zoo, on Queensland's Sunshine Coast.

Mr Stainton said bad weather had stopped filming for their documentary about some of the world's deadliest sea creatures.

Mr Irwin instead decided on a whim to shoot footage for his daughter Bindi's upcoming series.

"He said 'I might just go off and shoot some segments for Bindi's show, just stuff on the reef and little animals," Mr Stainton said.

"I just said fine, anything that would keep him moving and keep his adrenalin going.

"The next thing I heard on the radio was there was a medical emergency, the little dinghy he was in was bringing him back with the crew.

"Everyone tried absolutely tirelessly to revive him to keep him alive, we cut dinghies loose and made it post haste to Low Isle where we knew the chopper would be able to get in, but I think it's possible he probably died at 11am."

Marine documentary maker Ben Cropp said he had spoken to one of Mr Irwin's production crew.

"Steve got probably maybe a bit too close to the ray, and with the cameraman in front, the ray must have felt sort of cornered.

"It went into a defensive mode, stopped, turned around and lashed out with its tail, which has a considerable spike on it.

"Unfortunately Steve was directly in its path and he took a fatal wound."

University of Melbourne expert Bryan Fry said stingrays only sting in defence.

"Stingrays only sting in defence; they're not aggressive animals so the animal must have felt threatened. It didn't sting out of aggression, it stung out of fear," said Dr Fry, deputy director of the Australian Venom Research.

He said the stingray would have been up to 2.5 metres across, with a "formidable" jagged barb up to 20cm long, capable of tearing flesh. But the stingray's venom would not have been a factor.

Mr Irwin was comfortable around animals, no matter how dangerous, and some wildlife experts warned he took too many risks.

"(But) nothing would ever scare Steve or would worry him. He didn't have a fear of death at all," Mr Stainton said on Monday.

Mr Irwin's enthusiasm and daring made him famous.

The Melbourne-born father of two's Crocodile Hunter program was first broadcast in 1992 and has been shown around the world on cable network Discovery.

He also starred in movies and helped developed the Australia Zoo wildlife park, north of Brisbane, which was started by his parents Bob and Lyn Irwin.

He grew up near crocodiles, trapping and removing them from populated areas and releasing them in his parents' park, which he took over in 1991.

Bob was involved in a controversial incident in January 2004, when his father held his infant son in one arm as he fed a dead chicken to a crocodile at Australia Zoo.

Child welfare and animal rights groups criticised his actions as irresponsible and tantamount to child abuse.

Mr Irwin said any danger to his son was only a perceived danger and that he was in complete control of the situation.

In June 2004, Mr Irwin came under fire again when it was alleged he came too close to and disturbed some whales, seals and penguins while filming a documentary in Antarctica.

Mr Irwin had close links with Mr Howard and was a guest at The Lodge during a function for US President George W Bush in 2003.

Mr Irwin was also a tourism ambassador and was heavily involved in last year's "G'Day LA" tourism campaign.

Queensland Premier Peter Beattie said Mr Irwin was an "extraordinary man".

"He has made an enormous difference to his state and his country," he said.

The Latest News In The War On Terror...

2006-09-04T10:14:00.000+01:00

UN Security Forces last night monitoring secure Taliban channels intercepted a mass communication broadcast memo from Osama Bin Laden to all active members of the Al Qaeda.

The signal, believed to originate in Jalalabad has spead like wildfire around the world, with News organsations all broadcasting this memo as their top story.

Here is a copy of the memo, translated by American Forces. They believe this memo is a call to arms for the Jihadists.

Please read this memo and decide for yourself.

To: All Al Queda Fighters
From: Bin Laden, Osama
Date: Wed, 22 Jan 2003 22:26:04 +0000 (GMT)
Subject: The Cave

Hi guys.
We've all been putting in long hours recently but we've really come together as a group and I love that! However, while we are fighting al jihad, we can't forget to take care of the cave, and frankly I have a few concerns:

-First of all, while it's good to be concerned about cruise missiles, we should be even more concerned about the dust in our cave. We want to avoid excessive dust inhalation, (a health and safety issue) so we need to sweep the cave daily. I've done my bit on the cleaning rota, have you?
I've posted a sign-up sheet near the cave reception area next to the halal toaster.

-Second, it's not often I make a video address but when I do, I'm trying to scare the sh*t out of most of the world's population, okay? That means that while we're taping, please do not ride your scooter in the background or keep doing the 'Wassup' thing.
Thanks.

-Third: Food. I bought a box of Dairylea recently, clearly wrote "Ossy" on the front, and put it on the top shelf. Today, two of my Dairylea slices were gone. Consideration. That's all I'm saying.

-Fourth: I'm not against team spirit and all that, but we must distance ourselves from the Infidel's bat and ball games. Please do not chant "Ossy, Ossy, Ossy, Oy, Oy, Oy" when I ride past on the donkey. Thanks.

-Five: Graffiti. Whoever wrote "OSAMA F**kS DONKEYS" on the group toilet wall. It's a lie, the donkey backed into me, whilst I was relieving myself at the edge of the mountain.

-Six: The use of chickens is strictly for food. Assam, the old excuse that the 'chicken backed into me, whilst I was relieving myself at the edge of the mountain' will not be accepted in future. (With donkeys, there is a grey area.) Finally, we've heard that there may be Western soldiers in disguise trying to infiltrate our ranks. I want to set up patrols to look for them.
First patrol will be Omar, Muhammad, Abdul, Akbar and Dave.

Love you lots,
Group Hug.
Ossy.

PS - I'm sick of having "Osama's Bed Linen" scribbled on my laundry bag.
Cut it out, it's not funny any more.

Really Frikking Busy and the New Dell XPS M1710 Core 2 Duo!

2006-08-31T12:24:00.000+01:00

As I mentioned in my previous post, I've been hugely busy whilst at the same time appearing to be not very busy at all.

I've decided to revamp my old website, but I didn't own any webspace, and I no longer owned the space that my old site was on, so I couldn't even update it! So I got me some hosting with Media 72 hosting solutions. They're good, and run by a friend of mine. Me like.
The reason this is one of the things that makes me busy is because I'm trying to do my site using Macromedia's Flash program, whilst having almost zero knowledge of flash. It makes life interesting to say the least.

You can see what I've done to date, by visiting my site, RyanRocks.co.uk.
It's still under construction, but let me know what you think. Unfortunately flash threw a wobbly and deleted all the files in the directory I was saving in, and I've been unable to recover them. Luckily, I've found a .swf decompiler, which will enable me to get the individual components from my final swf file, so it's not a total loss, although it is a pain in the ass.

Rather than do any more work on this particular incarnation, I'm trying out different ideas, so my RyanRocks site might not change much for a little while while I build, test and decide on a replacement. This seems like an awful lot of effort, but it should make me fairly competant with Flash.

I've also joined ScreenSelect.co.uk. Not only do they rent DVDs, but they also do Xbox360 games! This is good news for me, when I sit down to play a game, I really go through it. I bought Prey for about £45, and I completed it in about 2 evenings the first time round, then I completed it on it's hardest setting in an afternoon. However £45 spent towards games rentals could get me over 4 months rental, and an unlimited amount of games, although only one at a time unless you go for the more expensive packages.

So far I've had:

King Kong - not very good, but I completed it anyway. The bits where you were the Monkey were obviously more fun. Got it on Saturday, had completed it before Sunday, and I was playing Xmen during the same period.

Xmen the Game - also not very good, although it had it's moments. Got it Saturday was done by Sunday, though took more play than King Kong to fully complete it.

Fight Night Round 3 - Great fun. Wish I'd bought this when I first got my 360. I played through on Easy, cos I was rubbish at it. Sailed through easy mode though. I beat one championship fight in 4 punches. Four Punches! To clarify, I threw four punches, every one connected, and I knocked him down twice during the fight. The second time he didn't get up again, but rather lay twitching on the floor.

MotoGP 06 - Quite frankly, this game is nails, and very time consuming. I put the game on the easiest setting, and didn't have too much trouble winning races, but the problem was that despite winning races, my riding sucked balls. I quite like this game, because it has it's moments where you really do feel like you're riding a motorbike (and I should know!). However, it's too hard to judge speed when coming into corners, and so unless you know the track well, it's hard enough even staying on the track, let alone put in a good performance. Pity really, but I just don't have half an hour or so to practise each track before I race on it.

Chrome Hounds - Apparently this game is great fun in multiplayer. Unfortunately the single player missions are shit. It's a game about giant war robots, like Gundam, except boring. The game displays a lack of imagination, the early robots (never got far enough in to get anything else) are really slow and unexciting, and the direction of the missions is terrible, you never seem to know exactly where you're going, and it always feels like you're lost. I found a couple of bugs in the early levels that just made me not wanna play any further, let alone have to play the level that screwed up again. Just glad I didn't buy it, although if I had, I probably would have put more effort in for the sake of value for money.

I've also got Perfect Dark and Rockstar's Table Tennis game on route rfom ScreenSelect. These will keep me busy for a while, but I also have 2 games I own to play through - Quake 4 and Ghost Recon Advanced Warfighter. Must get round to playing these at some point.

Yet another thing taking up my time is my search for a new PC. It's taken a while, and I haven't got much done at all for the last week other than read reviews, forums, anything really that has info on one of the laptops I'd been looking into.
One of the reasons I'm getting a laptop is that I've decided the PC I bought from PC world last year has had it, so I'm selling it. £250 for a PC with a 3.0ghz processor, 1gb 400mhz RAM, a 160gb HDD, and an ATI X800. I don't think it's a bad deal, and I've managed to sell my old (now unused) 17" LCD monitor for £70, giving me £320 to go towards the new laptop.

The other main reason for getting a notebook over a desktop is because my long term plans are to save a load of money, take a year off work, and then go gallavanting round the world (and yes Jeff, I will make sure I end up in Texas at at least one point in my journey!). If I have a desktop, it's gonna make things a little tricky when it comes to portability, so I've decided to go for a desktop replacement. Basically it's a big fucking laptop, but I don't mind the weight, because (a) I'm double 'ard, (b) my ninja slaves can carry it for me, and (c) until I go travelling I'm not gonna be carrying the laptop round much at all.

Also, a point I've just thought of - The laptop is only about 10lbs. That's about one fourteenth of my weight. Ants apparently can lift fifty times their weight. If an ant can do fifty times it's weight, I'm sure I can do one fourteenth.

The basic specs of the laptop are as follows:

-XPS M1710 Core 2 Duo Processor T7600 (2.33 GHz, 4 MB L2 cache, 667 MHz FSB)
-17" UltraSharp Wide Screen WUXGA (1920 x 1200) Display with TrueLife
-Fixed Internal 8X DVD+/-RW Drive with Software
-XPS 512MB NVIDIA GeForce Go 7900 GTX
-100GB (7,200 rpm) Hard Drive
-3Year NBD (Next Business Day) On-site Base Warranty

Free Stuff I got with my Order:
-Memory Upgrade from 1024MB to 2048MB - DDR2 667MHz
-Free 15 month McAfee Security SW upgrade
-Inspiron XPS Gen 2 Nylon Backpack

If you want the full specs, or you want to read why I bought this laptop, check here.

I will post a full review up when I get the laptop...

Yet another thing that's been stealing away my time is TV episodes I've got from the net.
One such instance is The 4400. Although when it first came out, I watched the first couple of episodes, for some reason I didn't keep downloading and watching the show. About a week ago, I saw a trailer for an epsiode belonging to the third series. It looked really exiciting, despite the lack of Pirates, Ninjas, Robots, or Monkeys in it. So I got hold of the first 2 seasons, and I'm done with those already. I'm really enjoying the series, it's been quite thrilling.

In between watching the 4400, playing my x360, designing my website, searching for a new laptop, and teaching myself flash and adobe illustrator, I've been watching lost. I didn't see the first series until it was completely finished, which allowed me to watch the entire first season in about 4 days (I did the same with the 4400 too!). Showing an incredible amount of willpower, when the second series came out, I didn't watch any of those either. Now that the second season has finished, I've started watching those too. Unfortunately what with all the other things going on, I've not had the chance to watch the whole series in about 4 or 5 sittings. I'm now up to episode 13 ish, and despite the series going a bit slow until now, it finally seems to be picking up a bit...

So... if you made it this far - congraturations! You are good player! :)

Now you know why I haven't posted here in a while... I'll post again sooner rather than later...!